Megan McCrindle

Cruise Control.

2012-02-09T09:10:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Megan, and I'm a control freak.

...I guess "freak" is a harsh word, let's just say that I like to be in control. I feel comfortable when I am in control of a situation for a number of reasons. One, I suppose, is a lack of trust in other people. Another is something like an overconfidence in myself and my capabilities in the majority of situations. A third, I suspect, might be that if/when things do fall apart- at least I can trace back to the where and why. I dislike not knowing why a situation went sour and in this way, I can understand it all to a micromanaging "T."
It's not pretty, I'll admit that. No one likes to be overbearing and micromanaging. But we all have our flaws, and among many more... this is one of mine.

I wont lie: this flaw of mine has gotten me into several pickles. Not literally, because that would be delicious, but figuratively of course. My neck and shoulders constantly ache, I spend more sleepless nights than I'd like to admit, and I'm getting wrinkles on my face from making that "you're kidding me, right?" face. Nobody, and I mean nobody, likes that face. Obviously this is something that I need to work on.

Which brings me to my daily commute thought this morning: Where does it start? And where does it end?
I think that a lot of the equation of "control" stems into our psyche of "taking care of things." Obviously we, as adults, need to be responsible individuals. However there are plenty of times when we (see: I) allow ourselves to overstep our boundaries of responsible and into the territory of controlling. It's far too easy to do, if you ask me. I am a master legitimizer, and I often tell myself the old "well if I want it done correctly/at all, then I had better do it myself." Or worse yet, "They need me to do it, it would be irresponsible not to step up to the plate."

I once had a roommate, years ago and she may still read this blog, who said that I was a "Mother." She claimed that I manipulated situations to a point where I could control them, and that I likely didn't even realize I was doing it. I can honestly say that I spent years annoyed at her evaluation of my personality. It's only far after the fact that I can see how right she really was. I hate not being in control of things, and to some extent I most certainly push them towards a place where I am back in charge. I guess it's true that the things and people you find yourself most angry at are often from a place of truth that you didn't want to see.

So now I ask, again: where does it end? To begin a search for the answer, I came up with this: Responsibility is taking charge of the things that you're supposed to do. Control is taking charge of the things other people are supposed to do.

It's my aim to make this a new credo. In a situation where I start to feel anxiety over what is and isn't being done, I need to ask myself: is this something that is my job to do, or is it someone elses? And there's a certain level of peace in releasing that need for control. Suddenly you wont feel so overwhelmed by the number of things that could go wrong. You wont feel that pressure to get things right, because they're not your things. Sure, things might not go the way you would have arranged them to- but isn't that sort of beautiful? Who wants to live the expected life, the one you see coming? I know I don't. I want surprise... I want amazement. It's not a matter of abandoning responsibility, but discerning what things in life were never yours to begin with. Then just take a deep breath and let those things go.

This is going to take a lot of work, at least for me. But I'm looking forward to it.

Phood.

2012-02-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

Life lately in meals. One of my best friends is in labor right now so I'm too excited to think about blogging!!

Anthro Apron (and cheesy smile)
... could my face look ANY longer, bytheway?

BBQ Chicken Pizza

Soy Sausage Stew with Carrots and Potatoes

Stuffed Acorn Squash with Cranberry-Walnut Quinoa & a Side Salad

Mussells in White Wine & a Side Salad

Turkey Burger w/ Mushrooms, Bell Pepper, and Serrano Patty and Balsamic Grilled Onions w/ Pita Chips

Stuffed Clam & Side Salad

My Weekend in Pictures.

2012-02-07T10:36:00.000-08:00

I actually have a really good post that I will write later, but here are some more photos from my camera. I promise to do less and less of these since I'm sure no one wants to see boring pictures on here.

1. My friend's dog, Diesel

2. Cookie party with Sayum and Rachel (playing with frames on a few of these!)

3. Hike @ Newport Bluffs

A Fellow Perfectionist.

2012-02-06T14:19:00.001-08:00

I found myself really loving this girl's blog, and thought I would share one with you. Check it out:

http://confessionsofaperfectionist.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/faith-in-uncertainty/

No More Mr. Nice Guy?

2012-02-02T10:02:00.000-08:00

There's an old adage that says "Nice Guys Finish Last," and we've held on to it for generations. For a lot of reasons, it couldn't be more true. You don't see many people who got to the head of their corporations by being voted "most considerate" by their colleagues. And how many times have we seen that sweetheart of a guy get stuck in the friend zone by some girl who is, instead, dating a guy who hardly gives her the time of day? Nice guys get screwed. Over and over again. Except the guy who is in the friend zone, ifyouknowwhatImean.
It's a dog eat dog world, and with the billions of people on this planet you've got to fight for what you want. Sometimes you've got to fight real dirty-like. I have a (beautiful, wonderful, bright, amazing...) friend who resides in New York. She gets up every morning at the crack of dawn and stays at work until sometimes as late as 10 o'clock at night. When I asked her what kind of crazy pills she was taking, her response was this: This is New York City. This is where the best of the best of the best live. If I don't do my job to the maximum capacity, there are 15 other people lined up behind me to take it from me. And here I am, complaining about not having a full-hour lunch break. Speaking of which, did you know that you legally only supposed to have a thirty-minute break for lunch? I looked it up.
Back to the subject at hand- nice guys get the raw end of the deal. We do other people's work. We give you a ride when your car is broken down- only to have you talk about us behind our back a month later. We give our boyfriends back massages even if rarely reciprocated. We let you over on the freeway when we've been waiting in a ten-minute line of cars, because you probably didn't realize this was your exit.

We.

Are.

Nice.

But I want to trump the horn of nice people everywhere and encourage them to continue. Don't cave to being the jerk hole who cuts people off in traffic and has some bizarre superiority complex about who knows what. Think, for a moment, about what you gain by being a jerk... I mean seriously. I'm a firm believer in a certain level of peace at the end of my life. I really, really look forward to at least that portion of being old (wrinkles, memory loss, etc.- notsomuch). When I am old as dirt, sitting in my rocking chair and whittling or whatever randomness I will get myself into- I anticipate and desire a feeling of calm about who I've been and the life I've lived. Now I'm no scientist, but I think that the most important thing you can achieve in this life is a series of positive relationships with the people around you. Even if you are in that whole zone of "I want to provide for my family," you're hoping to enforce a positive relationship with those people. You can't take your yacht with you, so to speak. So when you notice the things that you can take with you to the end of your story (and beyond, if you're a believer of such things)... it's not the job. It's not the relationship you sabotaged and wherein treated someone like crap. It's not the people you used or put down and the ego boost that maybe happened as a result. No one looks back euphorically on that. "Yeah! I was an asshole! Winning!!!"
It's the time you spent scratching someones back, so to speak. It's the smile on the face of someone you gave free babysitting to because they hadn't been on a legitimate date with their spouse in 3 months. You may be thrilled with your new promotion at work, but you can't take it with you. The only thing- the only thing- that you take with you throughout your life, is yourself. So in my humble opinion you should add value to that... add value to who you are. And I think that if you can accomplish that, it's impossible to finish last. Nice guys may finish last in laps 2-3 and 4; but they finish first in the big race. And that's all that really matters.

Photo Babble.

2012-02-01T12:38:00.000-08:00

So I got my new camera yesterday and got to fiddle around with it for a few minutes (literally) before I went to bed last night. These are some pictures that I toyed with on Picnik.com.

I know it's semi-pathetic that they are of my cat and my mirror-mantra but in all fairness I had a friend over for dinner last night, and I didn't get around to trying out the camera until afterwards. I already have the photo bug, though, and will most likely wind up getting way too into it for my own good!! I promise to try and write something more inspiring today or tomorrow, but so far I've been too busy to even think.

Hope everyone is having an awesome February so far!

Spring & February Goals.

2012-01-30T10:06:00.000-08:00

Well January, it was nice knowing ya!

I cannot believe that it's almost February, seriously. I have to admit that this past couple of months has been sort of "time off" for me. I haven't had school, and most of my weekends have consisted of lazying around not doing a whole lot. Don't get me wrong, it's been nice. But the sun has been coming back around and my motivation is sure to follow. Without further adieu, here are February's Goals.
1. Get outside! I've been trying to walk more lately, but what really needs to start happening is going on legitimate hikes again. Or at least legitimate for Southern California. Now that my weekends are starting to look a little sunnier, it's time to get out on full day hikes and walks and trips to dog beach (thanks for lending me your dog, roommate!!)
2. Focus on school. I start tomorrow. Yikes. I always love starting a new semester, though, because it's usually full of opportunity. I look forward to meeting new people and learning new things. A big part of this focus also includes applying to my transfer schools this semester. Another big Yikes.
3. Take pictures!! As mentioned below, I get my camera in the mail this week and I'm seriously excited about it. This month is going to be all about taking pictures, and I couldn't be happier to start a new hobby. So long, Instagram. Helloooooo Canon Rebel pics!
4. Continue eating healthy. January's goal was pretty well met. I don't know if I've discussed the "eating lifestyle" I try to follow on here, but it consists of seasonal and regional eating. That means that in the Winter I can eat a little bit of red meat if the occasion calls for it. Stews, winter squash, and basically the kind of stuff you think about eating while your fireplace roars in the background. Now that spring is here, I'm aiming to eat less winter foods and more spring time stuff. That means fruit, mainly white meat and seafood, etc. I'm sure you don't care about those details, but that's my goal.
5. Yoga/stretching. Basically just getting back into my body after hibernating it all winter. I am going to Costa Rica in July and it would be good if I was in some sort of decent shape.

I am beyond excited for spring to get here. Seriously, you have no idea.

Camera!

2012-01-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

I try not to post too many things pertaining to myself only, but I'm way too excited today. I just ordered this little number online and it should arrive next week. Expect to see a lot more photos on here soon!

Ingrid Michaelson.

2012-01-25T13:46:00.000-08:00

I might even like this better than the original.

Why.

2012-01-24T09:45:00.000-08:00

I have this tendency to not think before I speak.

It gets me in a lot of trouble.

...But to keep in line with my January goals (as well as my general efforts to not be a jackass) I try to think about what I am saying and why I am saying it. The why is what I am emphasizing today.
There are two ways to live a life: proactively and reactively. A proactive life is one where you do and say things pre-emptively in order to guide yourself where you want to be. A proactive life is an intentional one. To live a reactive life is to base yourself on other people. What they think you should be, say, and do. You follow the leader, and you play a defensive-reactive position to the world around you. We are all guilty of it, sometimes.
Those times of living reactively have a tendency to spiral beyond our control. We are living by emotion rather than logic. And more often than not- we are basing our lives around a release of that emotion. It's like an itch that we scratch for relief, only to find that it now pains us more. This is because we are reacting, and therefore not focusing on the why of what we are doing or saying (aha, the point emerges!)
How often do you do or say something for yourself, rather than for somebody else? And I don't necessarily even mean that in an altruistic way. For example: a friend comes to you for advice. You give your take on it without hesitation. Think about that advice: was it for you or for them? I frequently find myself giving advice that is more for me to emphasize my character than it is to guide my friend in a time of need. It's like the age-old expression: Who are you trying to convince? I think this lines up with the times when we advise when we ought to just listen. Sometimes (and I'd venture to guess more often than not) the people we so graciously advise are simply seeking out a friendly ear to listen. I had a boyfriend once who would ask me whether I wanted him to advise or simply to listen- and that's something I at least try to emulate. I'm not very good at it, but I'm working towards getting better.
The same conscious action applies to what we do; our actions. Why are we doing the things we do? As I've gotten older, I have begun to question my attitudes and behaviors more and more. Why do I have the goals that I have? Why do I treat people the way that I do? So many things about us are instilled in us by a sort of social conditioning. This is normal. This is not. The older I get, the more I am seeing this truth. The old nurture vs. nature of it all. And there are definitely things that have been programmed into my psyche that I will never be able to change. But I'm trying to at least question the majority of my attitudes and beliefs to be certain that they are stemming from what I believe, rather than what I've been told to believe. And for the record: this applies to everything, not only religious beliefs as it may be coming across. Political standpoints, racial opinions... even the idea of what kind of employment is acceptable- these are all things that we have been programmed to feel a particular way about. Not necessarily bad or good, just particular. I have plenty of beliefs that I spent years battling, only to find in my late twenties I know to be accurate deep down in my soul. But I challenge you to question them just the same- to be sure that they are a part of you and not just a reaction to the norms you were raised with.
Live a why life.

Happier.

2012-01-23T15:23:00.000-08:00

I talk a lot on here about comparing myself to, well... myself. It's like a little game I play; me now versus me five years ago, or ten years ago, or whatever. I guess that in a way, I'm keeping up with my 'stats.' Almost as if my life was some kind of sport and I want to gage my progress. This is (I believe) a very good habit.
Today I came across a quote that said something along the lines of: are you happier than you were this time last year? What I loved about this was the simplicity of the question. Because the answers are always that simple. It didn't ask "what were you doing last year?" It didn't encourage you to dwell on your life 365 days ago. It simply asked if you were happy. And I'm a big fan of that kind of simplicity.
The way I see it, there is a very simple answer to that question, along with very basic follow-up. Almost like those charts you see when you read Cosmopolitan magazine or whatever you read. You know. The ones where you answer yes or no, and depending on your answer you follow an arrow to the next step?

Yes, I am happier ------> Good. Keep doing what your doing.

No, I'm am not happier -----> Do something different.

It's comical how easy that is. If you are doing amazingly well, good for you! Keep doing what you're doing. Make goals, grow as a person, further your development as a human being.
If you find that you were happier this time last year, bummer. However there's a silver lining to the equation: you've already been there. You know the recipe, you just have to tweak the ingredients with what you have on hand. Were you in great shape last year? Get off your butt! Were you excited about a trip? Plan another adventure! Whatever makes you happy- just get to it, no matter what. Gain that momentum and I'd bet my life on it, this time next year your answer to that question will inevitably be YES.

The Evolution of Friends.

2012-01-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a nice, long conversation with a good friend of mine about the progression of friendships. Our relationships are funny, and it takes some adjustment to begin to understand the evolution of them all.
My friend was disappointed that some of her friendships seemed to be changing. Between trying to be a good listener to her and trying to impart some wisdom, I came up with a few facts about life that I hope she felt were helpful.
For one thing, and the most important thing you will learn about your friendships in your early to mid twenties, people change. I assume we continue changing our whole lives, but our twenties in particular are a very turbulent time for us. We go to college, some get married and have babies, some start to develop Wanderlust and travel the world, and some people live in their parents basement. Everyone starts to develop their lives into what they want them to look like, and not everybody that we knew as high school BFFs is going to progress at the same rate or even the same direction as us. I know people who were cheerleaders in high school who are now complete hippies. I know people who graduated at the top of their class and are working for minimum wage now. I also know some people no one thought would make it and are now entrepreneurs making the "big bucks." It's amazing where life will take you. And a lot of the time, you lose that bond that you had with certain people. It isn't that you or they are doing anything wrong, you just don't have much in common anymore. And those friendships tend to still exist on the basis of loyalty and history- but you will notice that your converstions begin to lull. What input are you going to have on potty training when your life revolves around going out and doing the single's scene? Both lifestyles are just fine- but the two participants might not have a lot to talk about when their daily goings-on look so different.
Another truth is that it's important to realize and seek out what you deserve. When you're in high school, most people are so desperate for companionship that we will put up with just about anything to avoid being a "loner." We've all put up with behaviors from people that we knew, deep down, were unacceptable. But to avoid ditching out on our "group," we just dealt with it. I know I certainly did. And in all fairness, I'm sure I exercised such behaviors with other people too; mistreating them and them turning a blind eye. It's just the way it goes. But when you grow up, you begin to realize your self-worth, and you learn to accept nothing less. It's actually a really cool thing, but it can get lonely at times.
I emphasized to my friend how important it is to come to this realization. I, for one, spent far too many years looking the other way to avoid being lonely. But it's just crazy to think that for all that time, I was settling for bs friendships and relationships to avoid being alone. And that has been one of my biggest lessons of my twenties: never settle for people who treat you like crap. It may seem harmless at the time, what with the whole idea of "well at least I'm not hanging out by myself on a Friday night!"... but the more you accept people not giving you what you deserve, the more you start to assume you don't deserve much. It's a terrible cycle.
I wound up hitting a wall with this sort of thing recently- which was how I got to the place I'm at with it. At some point, you just say "Enough!" And it feels almost lazy, but I just drop the bullshit. If you're going to be a jerk, I just don't care to be around you. If I'm always the person calling you and you never make plans with me, I'm done. I am fully willing to invest myself in friendships and relationships where I feel reciprocated- but my friendship is not a one-woman show. My best friends, now, are people who call me to ask how my day is. We cook each other dinners and we genuinely invest ourselves in each other's problems, solving them as a team because we care about one another. If there is a problem, we talk about it. Because as I told my friend last night: if you have a real desire to keep someone in your life, you will want to address and resolve any issues with them. It's not pleasant to do so- but it's an investment. I am willing to work through hard times with you because you're important to me and our friendship is worth it. And quite frankly, you should never settle for anyone in your life who isn't willing to put in the work. If this is like, the fifth time they've let you down... just walk away.
I, myself, try to do the "ditch effort" approach. I will try until I've had enough. Then, I will talk to you about it. Then I will give it one last ditch effort, and if nothing changes I just accept that person as they are and realize that perhaps we are not compatible. I don't see the point in making a big scene- I just let it fall where it will. I've done my part, and as long as I give something my best effort I can be satisfied with that.

The Snare of Compare.

2012-01-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

I wanted to address something I was discussing with a friend of mine the other day. We were talking about blogs, and she confessed that she had made a resolution not to read any more personal blogspots because she had noticed that more often than not, they made her feel a bit down on herself. It seems, to me, that this is a common thing with the online networking community. Upon hearing my friend's resolution, I recited a quote at her:

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.

-Steven Furtick.

How true that we constantly feel inadequate compared to other people. And here are these people, meaning well because... well... who wants to hear someone drone on about their problems? But because we are only hearing the good stuff, we forget that this is only a portion of this person's life. There are sad days, happy days, and everything in between.

I try to be as realistic as possible on here, and I want to emphasize that I am nowhere close to perfecting most of the stuff I discuss on here. This blog is as much an outlet for me as it is a reminder to myself to be the person that I write about on here. I have days when I embarrass myself, delve too much into other people's business (see: gossip), lose my temper at the expense of someone else, and spend more money than I have. I talk a lot about self-discovery on here because I am trying to get there myself, just as much as the next person. But I'm not there yet.

And as for Facebook, blogspots, and Twitter (which I still have zero desire to get involved with)... it's important to realize that the majority of the pictures people post on there are not real real. I touch up most of my photos, or else take pictures with Instagram (which somehow makes me look better... soft lighting??). I have another friend who went on a tropical vacation and posted her photos on Facebook. I immediately commented on how totally amazing she looked, to which she replied honestly, "I completely edited that!" How refreshing!

We don't post the pictures of us on our fat days, or when our hair refuses to behave, or where we have bags under our eyes from too many late nights. Online is not real. Not, you know, real real, anyways.

This is stuff everybody knows, but I think we forget it sometimes. So stop being so hard on yourself. And don't compare your life to anyone else's too much. Everyone has their battles and imperfections. Remember that and just be grateful for what you've got!

Definition.

2012-01-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

A thing that has always interested me is the attraction people have to other people's words. I am the world's biggest fan. We'll read a quote by someone, or song lyrics... and cling to it as something we really connect with. I'm fascinated by that need for someone else to point out some truth that we always knew but could never quite verbalize. I, myself, collect quotes by famous philosophers and poets. And where most people hear a good melody or beat in a song- I hear its lyrics.

I think that some of this goes to a need that many of us have to live poetically. And what is poetry, exactly, but the need for purpose in our lives? We are deeply feeling individuals, and there is a strong drive to find meaning to those feelings. Anger, love, resentment, hurt, adoration, mysticism... we want a sense of purpose to tie them to. "Why do I feel this way?" "What should I do with this emotion?" and most importantly, "Is this normal?"

We want a sense of belonging, and the ability to define the storm of emotions inside us. I hold fast to a theory that not even the most seemingly detached person is emotionless. I think that they just have a different way of portraying their feelings than the rest of us. As a matter of fact, some of the the most "hard" people that I know are the ones who feel the most deeply, but simply keep it confined to themselves. Take a psychology class and then watch the actions of such an individual, and you'll know what I'm talking about.

But we all want it to mean something, and the poetry in a song lyric or a beautiful phrased sentence gives our confused minds some hope of manifesting that. To be totally honest, I'm not sure what my point is here. I guess I just think it's all sort of interesting. I think the whole idea of "finding oneself" is just such an interesting concept, not that this is news to anyone who reads this blog. Connecting to who you are at your core is probably the most "real" thing I think a person can do. You're with yourself for the entirety of your "being," and I think that being able to understand who you are is a wildly important thing. Also, then, isn't it interesting how we tend to rely on other people's definition of an emotion to understand our own?

Just a thought.

Sweet Things For Your Thursday.

2012-01-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

Sleep to dream.

2012-01-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

Sleep. It pretty much runs our lives- yet most people don't get enough of it. Some of the statistics on the Center for Disease control and Prevention website are pretty astounding. 50-70 million Americans (adults) have a sleep disorder. Lack of sleep can result in depression, hypertension, diabetes, obesity, Cancer, and more. The average adult needs 7-9 hours of sleep per night, while children need 10-11 and teens 9.5-10.5 hours. I blame this for my constant napping throughout high school!!
Anyways, I could sit here an throw statistics at you all day long, but the fact remains that plenty of us aren't getting enough sleep. The remainder of my "piece" on this is based not on authoritative websites but on a vast array of information I have mentally noted through years of reading pretty much every sleep deprivation article I could get my hands on.
It's my understanding that sleep is a time of healing. Your body is going, going, going ALL day long and the 8 hours (give or take) of rest time is when your brain takes a breather enough to recharge for tomorrow. This is also when your body heals itself of whatever ailments that it can, as well as rehydrates itself from the seventeen thousand cups of coffee you had that day. It's like putting yourself back on the charging dock so that your battery is back to 100%. In layman's terms: You need to sleep. Like, seriously.
There are a ton of reasons people don't get enough sleep. Mine has always been turning off my brain at night. I can't do it. Insert joke about my brain being turned off all day: here. I have a tendancy to sit there and stew over events that went poorly in my recent and even not so recent past, financial problems I forsee, excitement about whatever event is happening within the next 6 months... the list goes ridiculously on and on. Oh, and I've tried everything. I know this is going to make me sound downright awful but I've done the whole Nyquil thing, Unisom, Melatonin- you name it. The only thing I even slightly recommend is Melatonin or Chamomille tea. I wont take anything else unless I am seriously desparate. A lot of those sleep aids are habit-forming and even if they're considered "safe," I don't feel like anything that dishes out a case of dependancy can be all that good for you.
I think that what it all comes down to is lifestyle. The times when my sleep has been good have always been when my mind is still, my muscles have been used, and my body is relaxed. So what it comes down to is: how do I get THERE? I've had problems sleeping for as long as I can remember, and this is what works for me (or what I recommend). Some people have much more serious problems, however, and should seek professional help beyond my magazine-reading suggestions.
1. Exercise. I do yoga. Been doing it for over 15 years. There's something serene and relaxing about stretching yourself out and getting your blood flowing. You can do more strenuous activity (which I totally recommend) but it's generally better if you do it more than 3 hours before you plan to go to sleep. Your body is a machine, and if you aren't tired by bedtime then it's my unprofessional opinion that you're probably not working yourself hard enough during the day. Even those gym-goers may have different needs than other people. If you're doing an hour of cardio and still not tired by midnight- do more! It's also important to exercise your brain. If your mind is running all night, you're probably not exhausting yourself enough during the day. Challenge yourself. Learn something new. The reason children and teens need more sleep is that they're maxing out their brain capacity with expanding knowledge all day. If you're not tired, you're probably not challenging yourself enough!
2. Get rid of your day. I shower almost immediately when I get home from work. I'm a huge supporter of hydrotherapy and I think there's a certain symbolism to washing your day away from you. If I can't shower, or if I have to go straight from work to something else- I at least wash my face and put my hair up away from my neck. It really refreshes you.
3. Meditate. This is a new one for me. Call it hokey, call it whatever you want- but meditation has been dubbed as extremely beneficial by a gazillion researchers. You learn to still your mind in the midst of commotion. Life is always, always, always going to be hectic. It's not in learning to avoid dillema that we find calm- it's in finding a way to sit peacefully with it that we will be able to move forward. Besides, I've said it a hundred times, a great majority of life's problems will solve themselves if you give them the opportunity to.
4. Have a routine. This is a huge one for me. I try to go to bed at the same time every night. I also eat an early dinner so that I have time to wash dishes and wind down prior to sleeping. Late, hectic nights are pretty much the enemy of sleep. Get up at the same time every day- even on weekends. I've tried to do the sleep in late thing and I always kick myself for it.
5. Kick Fido and Conan out of your room. You don't need anything else keeping you awake. If your pet sleeps pretty soundly, he can stay. For myself-I generally end up kicking Newps out within an hour of trying to sleep because she insists on bathing herself at midnight and that whole licking noise is like nails on a chalkboard for me. Gross. Same goes for the television... if it helps you sleep, go for it. Most researchers will tell you to keep it to the living room, though.
So that's it. Sorry if this post is boring, but it's seriously important to get enough sleep. I can always tell a huge difference in my day when I've been having one too many sleepless nights. As a final note: don't beat yourself up too badly if you don't get a great night sleep. Psyching yourself out an additional night over last night's lack of sleep is obviously unwise. Just get back into the groove of things and you'll be fine.
Ear candy (and girl crush):

Tell Me.

2012-01-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

This post is going to make me look like kind of a jerk, so be warned. I aim to be honest, rather than pretend that I am a better person than I really am.
I do a lot of self-improvement exercises. I read the books, I "blog stalk" the online self-help world, and I post a lot of idealizations that I come up with on a caffeinated whim. I work really, really hard to be the person that I think I should be. And in accordance with my "way," it's become a major part of my life. I wouldn't say an obsession, but I will say that it takes up a lot of my energy and focus. Which, I mean, that's all good. I still hold to the belief that the only person you ultimately have to answer to is yourself- so you ought to make yourself someone whom you can be satisfied with. Having said that... it's become too easy to get caught up in this game. I think a person can actually lose themselves in the search for themselves. Anytime you focus energy on one thing, you are bound to neglect other aspects of your life. For me, I can feel myself distancing from the world around me. I used to care about people. I used to listen when other people spoke, rather than wait for my turn to interject my obsessively-perfecting opinion. I think I've been working so hard to become a person with good advice that I forgot to focus on the most important piece of the equation of conversation: the person you're listening to. More often than not, people already have the answers they need. All they want is somebody to listen to them figure it out on their own.

It's important to have a thirst for the world around you, including the people in it. I used to have a constant desire to know the people in the world around me... everyone has a story. They've got experiences that you will never have, knowledge you're not savvy to, and personalities different from your own. It's a part of the experience of life to expand your horizons outward to new things and people. Human beings are social creatures and experiencing the lives of the people around you can be an incredibly beautiful experience. I made this one of my New Years Resolutions for that reason. I want to listen to stories. I want to learn new things and walk in other people's shoes. I want to be interested more in the people around me than in whatever trivial pursuits I, in my moderate life-living, am experiencing. There's a lot out there. A lot of people, a lot of knowledge, a lot of interest, and a lot of love. No one finds it without folding their hands in their laps and whispering, "Tell me."

A Price for Greatness.

2012-01-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

There's an old saying that has been around, well, since I can remember. There are about a hundred variations of it, but the one I like best goes, "nothing worth having was ever achieved without effort." Or, you know, something like that.
And it's had me thinking for the past few days about effort. How much do we expect to put into something? How much is too much? And most relevant to today's blog entry: do we honestly, really, expect to put in real work when we want something? I think not. At least for me. I am learning something about myself lately and that is that most days I have a tendency to wake up in the morning and expect my day to be easy. I will wake up on time, get to work, have a low-key kinda day, not hit any traffic on the way home, come home to a spotless house and make a delicious meal that I will absolutely not ruin even though I've never made it before, and curl up in a little ball with some hot tea and read a book with my cat at my feet and the dog patiently spooned to my belly. I literally expect that, every single day.
Here is, however, what really happens more often than not: I wake up to my cat essentially sitting on my face. I had no idea I have slight allergies to her until I am literally inhaling her belly hair and my eyes are welling up and watering *Ah-Choo!* I hit the snooze button on the phone alarm that I desperately need to update since the song now just makes me wake up angry for being played out (however I haven't changed it in 6 months anyway), but Newps has vetoed my decision and decided that I ought to have fed her already. I get up and meander over to the closet where her food is kept, feed the beast, and open my blinds in an effort to tell my brain to get with the program. Bathroom- straighten only the front part of my hair and put the rest up because I am too lazy/uninteresting/running late to actually make myself look presentable today. Stare in the mirror and wonder when my hair is going to look healthy again after the brutal beating I put it through last year. I brush and floss my teeth, spray myself in the face with a Vitamin C spray that I'm hoping will help me look less tired, and wander into my room to pick out something to wear. Look at the clock and wonder how it just took me ten minutes to get my ass out of bed. Get dressed, debating whether to wear Ugg boots again or step it up a notch with heels. Decide on heels to make up for my Ragtop hairdo. Messy=Undone in the fashion world, thankyouverymuch, Pinterest. Make lunch and Chai Tea, drive to work. Work consists of a combination of actual work, Facebooking, and Pinteresting. Eat lunch at my computer. Get a call from a customer who clearly doesn't understand the concept that men and women are equals. Count the minutes until 415 and leave as the clock turns to it. Drive home, singing along with my radio and dodging glances from people who catch me in the act. Pride myself on the fact that I know all the words to Bust a Move, then realize that I am the whitest person I know. Get home and have an attack of OCD which causes the very first thing I do when I arrive to be tidying up stuff that isn't even a big deal. Take a short shower and make dinner. Try a new recipe, completely biffing it and having to scoop carrots out because I added them at the wrong time. Eat. Dog proceeds to jump on me throughout the entirety of my arrival and meal. Try to snuggle with her on the couch but every time the cat goes through the dog door she jumps off the couch to investigate. Roommate comes home, we chat, I go to bed while watching a documentary that gives me nightmares about the dangers of eating Tyson Chicken. Welcome to my life.
All self-mocking aside, I wonder what life would be like if I started expecting it to be as it is. What if we woke up every morning with the expectation that today will not be easy? Today, dear self, is going to be an uphill battle. And rather than be frustrated that things are, you know, what they are- we prepare ourselves for that imperfection and steady our ground. I don't mean to say that we should be pessimists, only that we be realists and be aware that a day will almost certainly bring challenges along with its gifts. And, as I have mentioned several times, challenges are a good thing. They make us stronger. Rather than ignore their existence, I think it's wise to look out for them on the horizon with a tucked chin and a smile. "Oh hello, I thought I might find you here. Bring it on!"
Don't expect it to be easy. Because your life should be great, and I hear nothing ever really great came without working for it.

Face Friends.

2012-01-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

I think that the whole online social media networking thing is so funny some times. But at the same time, sort of important in this modern age when life has gotten so busy that the best way to keep in touch with people like my friends and family outside of California is to Facebook them. Funny how that has become the new thing. I have, in recent months, tried to limit my connections with people on Facebook because a lot of these online friendships aren't real. I stand by that belief. If I don't talk to you, or if we haven't spoken in months, I am probably going to delete you since we're not really friends anyway. I just don't see the point. This is, of course, with the exception of the absurdly stylish girls I know who I completely stalk their outfits so that I will be inspired to get off my lazy arse and throw on something besides jeans and a hoodie. I know, I know. But it's been SO cold outside!!!

Anyways, I have people that have legitimately gotten upset with me for deleting them from my Facebook, to which I reply "Then call me some time, friend." I've deleted old boyfriends with whom I no longer speak because I feel that once you break up with someone you have no business in their lives unless you've maintained a good friendship with them in the first place. It seems so simple like that, at least to me.

So today, my list is short, and that's totally fine with me. I don't need to have 900 Facebook friends to prove to myself that I'm a likeable person. And the people that I have on there are people who I admire, and who inspire me. If all of your posts are depressing or strangely vague about "I don't, like, get people some times..." your comments are probably blocked from my page. I still adore you, but if your life is that difficult and we are that close- I have probably found out about it from your voice and not an online message board. I don't need my friendships to turn into guessing games about your emotions. Talk to me, and I will try my best to listen (see New Years Resolution #1!!)

Side note: I also find it hilarious when people do the "I'm deleting 5,000 people from my Facebook. If you're still here tomorrow, we're friends!" Uhh... for one: Is that really how we're determining friendships these days? And two: if they have to be told that they're your friend rather than notice that you don't talk anymore, well... I mean come on, man.

Having said that- I want to take a moment to talk about the people in my life. I wont pretend that I talk to everyone I know on a daily, or even monthly basis. But I try. I attempt to check in with people every so often and am known to send people a message or card out of the blue to let you know I'm thinking about you. Because it's a common occurrence for me to just randomly stop in my tracks and think, "I wonder how so-and-so is doing?"

I don't have a history of surrounding myself with the best people. Trust me. I could tell you some stories about friendships that would rock even You as a listener. I have a tendency to trust too quickly and care too much about people who don't reciprocate. But in recent years I have been making an effort to erase (see: delete) those kinds of people from my life. And I have to say that the results have been amazing. And recently when I was looking on my Facebook page and through some of my friends, I realized just how lucky I am. I know some pretty amazing and interesting people. Each person on that list is someone who has been inspirational to me. I guarantee that I can tell you at least 3 things about each one of them that I admire and respect. It's pretty cool. I have people who are world travellers, amazing parents, brilliant artists, and funnier than I could ever dream to be. Looking through this list really reminds me how completely and utterly lucky I am to have had the chance to be exposed to the people that I know. This world and the people in it are pretty incredible. I highly recommend that you take a look through your friends and consider how amazing they are. It's a very humbling process, to bow your head to the fact that you not only chose them- but that they chose you. You- and I'm talking to YOU- are great. I like you.

Life Tides.

2012-01-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

I know I talk about this one a lot, but I just can't emphasize enough that the single most important thing in life (in my humble opinion) is to remember that it's all about balance.
Life carries a certain ebb and flow to it that's easy to forget. Whether things are great or they're miserable- it's easy to think that it will be that way forever. I, for one, find myself getting caught up in some sort of false finality of the current moment. Almost as if each moment will last forever and whether for better or for worse, my mind tells me "this is it!" Good fortune, heartbreak, loss, great ecstasy... no matter the occasion it can feel as if it's your final destination. But it really never is. There will always be a next moment, for better or for worse, up until your final moment on Earth. And even that is up for debate.
Life comes in waves. It's good, it's great, it's crummy, it's great again. No one knows what tomorrow will bring and rarely can one even predict it. It's never until you look back on a moment that you truly understand it's place in the great cycle within your story.
I've got a friend who is in a low point of her story. She has been discussing with me some of her problems and the frustrations that come along with it. More specifically, it's about a boy. Isn't it always?? And this girl has been in an ebb with said boy for some time now, and continues to expose herself to emotionally damaging situations because... well because of why girls (and boys?) do this all the time. Fear. Even if it hurts her, even if he has a tendency to make her positively miserable, at least the situation is familiar. She knows him, she knows this territory. And there is that fear of the unknown where it's almost as if she begins to believe that it's better to stay in a damaging situation than to venture out into the unknown where there are unfamiliar dangers waiting. And we all do this same thing. We stay with the familiar for fear of the unknown. Because it's easy, and in a weird way- somehow safe to us.
We forget that life has a flow out there. We forget that even if this moment totally sucks, the next moment could be great. And so we hide. We get caught up in the sadness of the moment, and disregard the obvious fact that tomorrow will almost certainly be better. We over analyze and overreact and stress out that the ebb is permanent.
There is, of course, the opposite side of the coin as well. Today might be spectacular. We might come upon some money, grand adventure, or meet someone who we think might change our lives. And that elated feeling rushes through us like a shot of adrenaline. This is a good thing- remember these moments. They will come in handy when the bad days pass through.
Whatever you feel today, remember that it is only today, and that tomorrow will be different. Remember, during moments where you feel down, that tomorrow will bring another moment of joy. Also remember that tomorrow might be less stellar and so you ought to appreciate today. Don't be afraid that tomorrow will bring something different- because whether you focus on the fear or not, tomorrow will bring whatever it wants. Move forward into it. Bravely, with your chin up and your mind sharp. If something makes you feel good- relish it. If something makes you feel bad- leave it. It's as simple as that. Don't stay in a bad place because you're afraid of moving forward. Don't get down on yourself because today sucked. Remember that you've had good times and you've had bad times, and they have always- without fail- moved forward into something else. Move forward with them.
In closing, here is a little (unrelated) musical treat, introduction to which is courtesy of my musical soul mate:

January 2012 Goals.

2012-01-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

2012. Wow, can you believe it? I know I can't.
It's that time of year when everybody starts to practice their New Year's Resolutions, which I have always sort of scoffed at considering that I believe people ought to ALWAYS be resolving to do something better. But I'll admit that last year's monthly resolutions went quite well for me so I will make some kind of attempt to get back to that.
Big goals/resolutions? Take another big trip. This year I have the opportunity to go to either Colombia and Panama for ten days OR go to Costa Rica for seven days. Both trips would be amazing, and I have to admit I'm having a tough time deciding which trip I want to take. I know it sounds like I'm showing off, but... well I guess I kind of am. I've never been to Central/South America and I think the culture as well as the natural beauty there is something that would be unbelievable to experience. To see the Panama Canal would be unreal, too. Other than that I am making efforts to cut down on my financial debt because I have a plan for myself for the next few years and step one is not being so in debt. So far, so good. I'm also trying to get in better shape, but that is going to be something more on a monthly basis as well as something leading to my annual trip because I'm hoping to be in a bikini the majority of the time for either trip I take.
So let's talk January 2012.
1. I have noticed, as of late, that I haven't been doing the best job of being a good listener. I don't know if I'm just alone at my office so much that when I DO have an audience I feel the need to bombard them or what- but it's still the case either way. I usually try to pay better attention to people because I think everyone has a story and it's worth hearing. So I'd like to embrace that thought process a bit better this month.
2. Get back outside. It's been SO cold by my house lately that it's been tough to motivate myself to get outside and at least walk the dog or do something active. But now that the days are going to start getting longer again, I'm hoping I will be able to motivate myself to do more physical activity.
3. Finish my book. I didn't do much reading when I was in school last semester but I'm on my break now and am trying to finish my Gregory Maguire book. I am notoriously the world's slowest reader, so I'm really trying to get through it before school starts up again.
4. Make more healthy food. I made a new batch of the granola bars I try to make for breakfasts, and I mostly got vegetarian food from the store last time I went. I need to stick to that throughout the month because a certain SOMEONE (ahem, my lovely roommate) is desperately trying to tempt me with delicious baked treats strewn about the house. And I am falling for it. Hard. For the record- applesauce cookies probably don't count as getting a serving of fruits, no matter HOW good you are at legitimizing it.
5. I know this is completely Grandma of me- but I really want to teach myself to knit. I am obsessed with the giant scarves I keep seeing on Pinterest and I used to know how to make them so I just need to relearn so that I can make them for myself instead of spending $15 for something I can make for $3. This is happening.

Gifts of Grandeur.

2011-12-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

So I am way too excited about the things I got for Christmas this year and decided to post a few of them (I'll admit the eyeshadow and magazine subscription are from myself...) I also got an AMAZING Mediterranean seasoning kit from Sayum and Grant, but don't have a picture of it. Trust me, though, it's delicious.

In other news, this is what happens when I haven't gone legitimate grocery shopping in a month and my OCD kicks in the day I get to. At least I can be happy that the vegetable list is so long.:

Pain.

2011-12-27T09:28:00.000-08:00

Really liked this one today:
Both emotional and physical pain are messages that we need to stop and pay attention.
When we feel pain, our first impulse is often to eradicate it with medication. This is an understandable response, but sometimes in our hurry to get rid of pain, we forget that it is the body's way of letting us know that it needs our attention. A headache can inform us that we're hungry or stressed just as a sore throat might be telling us that we need to rest our voice. If we override these messages instead of respond to them, we risk worsening our condition. In addition, we create a feeling of disconnectedness between our minds and our bodies.
Physical pain is not the only kind of pain that lets us know our attention is needed. Emotional pain provides us with valuable information about the state of our psyche, letting us know that we have been affected by something and that we would do well to focus our awareness inward. Just as we tend to a cut on our arm by cleaning and bandaging it, we treat a broken heart by surrounding ourselves with love and support. In both cases, if we listen to our pain we will know what to do to heal ourselves. It's natural to want to resist pain, but once we understand that it is here to give us valuable information, we can relax a bit more, and take a moment to listen before we reach for medication. Sometimes this is enough to noticeably reduce the pain, because its message has been heard. Perhaps we seek to medicate pain because we fear that if we don't, it will never go away. It can be empowering to realize that, at least some of the time, it is just a matter of listening and responding.

The next time you feel pain, either physical or emotional, you might want to try listening to your own intuition about how to relieve your pain. Maybe taking a few deep breaths will put an end to that headache. Perhaps writing in your journal about hurt feelings will ease your heart. Ultimately, the message of pain is all about healing.

(Dailyom.com)

It's Time.

2011-12-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

I don't consider myself to be a very political person. In fact, and as sad as this is to mention, I don't consider myself to be a very "aware" person at all. I go through these bouts where I will follow a cause religiously for a few weeks or months, but quickly lose interest and go back to watching movies I've already seen or reading books that "take me away."

Lately, however, I have been making a conscious effort to become more aware. It's become increasingly easy with Facebook to follow many of the national and worldwide events just by clicking "like" on the New York Times (or your other favorite newspaper) page. My interest was actually piqued when I was at the grocery store recently and saw the new issue of Time magazine with it's annual "Person of the Year" on the cover. This year, the title went to "The Protester," which I found intriguing. I read the article and was entranced. Now because I haven't been following all of this too closely, I had to do a lot of cross-referencing to understand what had happened and why.

In short: people are mad. Around the world, they're protesting for their rights in countries from Tunisia to Russia to the U.S. It's pretty incredible to see this worldwide upset, and even more incredible to see their respective government's reactions. In the United States, The 99% has been met with arrests and mild force. In other countries they haven't been so kind. People are giving their lives for what they believe in, and in a lot of cases- it's being met with compliance by their governments. This is so... REAL. And you've got these groups of people who believe so strongly in being heard that they take their voice, their one voice, and join with another and another until they're in crowds half a million strong.

There's an obvious astonishment to this; a gasp from the living room of every American, Tunisian, Egyptian and so forth. The reason this is so incredible is that people are realizing that we matter. We count. Around the world, these governments are obliging to their people. One voice can make a difference. And like a wildfire- this knowledge is catching. I wont continue to discuss these events because you need to read this article. But what I'm looking at here is the realization that WE MATTER. Our voices make a difference. It feels, so often, like we're so small. How could anything I do really make any difference at all? But it does. And as I'm walking through malls and markets, seeing fliers and buckets for donations to various causes and charities, I think it's important to know that you do matter. Even your small contribution can count toward changing something for someone, somewhere. If you take one thing from our Time magazine person of the year, take that knowledge.

This holiday season the opportunity to help make a difference is everywhere. I say you take advantage of that. Just pick something and help out, it's that easy. Blame it on holiday spirit, inspiration, or whatever you want. But this year, I say Protest Indifference.

Gone So Long.

2011-12-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

Whew! I know I've hardly been posting lately but it's been a wild couple of weeks (well, months, really). I finished up my first semester back at school and if it goes anything like I'm feeling like it did I think I nailed it. Next semester will be a little bit more directed towards my major, specifically (Journalism) and from there I plan to transfer and really go for it. But this semester was mostly just to whet my appetite for school again so mission accomplished there!
In other news I have been involving myself in my newest passion (which has been a long time coming) and really getting into cooking. I wasn't raised in a very culinary family but the older I get, the more fascinated I am with health and nutrition. I have sort of given myself some permission to run freely with my meal-planning as of late but I think I will start gearing more towards healthy food again. I really admire the Raw Food way of life and would like to try getting more into that. I'm also considering doing a Vegan night once a week, which is really intimidating for me but I think it will be worth it to incorporate that into my repertoire. Alicia Silverstone has a fantastic book called "The Kind Life" which has a lot of great Vegan recipes, if you're interested.
In other news: it's the final countdown to Christmas and I'm aaaaaalmost ready for it! Finished up my personal ("green inspired") Christmas cards this weekend and I only have a few stacks of my work's holiday mailers to wrap up before I'm officially el finito. Then it's just waiting for the presents I ordered to arrive so that I can wrap them and I will be DONE. I'm trying to keep this year as simple as possible so I did my shopping early (and online!).

Next up: New Years resolutions, Vegan shopping/cooking, and getting into the ballet studio/back on my yoga mat. Any tips for any of that?? Message me!

Get in the driver's seat.

2011-12-13T15:19:00.000-08:00

An expression that I have always found sort of amusing is the old "everything happens for a reason" routine.

(I also, for the record, think "No regrets" is overrated. I have about 75 1/2 million regrets in my life)

Yes, I know this sounds like I'm being a pessimist, but I assure you that I'm not. The reason I think "Everything happens..." is a tired excuse is that that it's silly. Of course everything happens for a reason. But people have a tendency to rely on "fate" to provide that reason. We say to ourselves, "it doesn't make sense now, but one day life will unfold it's true meaning to me and it will all come together."
Come on, now. Everything happens for a reason, but more often than not it's the reason that we give it. One person will take a success to mean they've reached a goal, while another will take it as an indication that they should continue making even bigger goals. As romantic as it sounds to say these good and bad events are guiding you toward your destiny, I just don't think that's the case. I think that life happens, and if there is any reason behind a lot of this stuff- it's so that we will learn to grow from it. Hey, a bad thing happened when I did that. I shouldn't do that again. Good or bad things don't happen because we deserve it or because we are being guided toward our destined path of life. They happen so that we will learn to correct ourselves, and to learn to make the best of our lives. Human beings are not victims of fate, we're evolutionists. Not in a religious sense, but in the sense where we need to use the things that happen in our lives to constantly move upward and onward.
So I suppose that everything DOES, in fact, happen for a reason. But it's not to get to a final product of a life. It's to improve the methodology of the person in the driver's seat- it's meant to improve you. So I think it's time we own up to our responsibility to ourselves and learn from our lives rather than feel like they're out of our control. Learn from everything, good and bad, and progress in the direction you feel should result.

Live your life for the process and not the product.

Stylin'

2011-12-09T14:02:00.001-08:00

http://www.swankheights.net/

I've been blog-stalking the crap out of her today. I want to raid her closet REAL bad.

Siiiick, bro!

2011-12-08T08:52:00.001-08:00

I woke up yesterday with that old familiar feeling. Scratchy throat, itchy eyes... welcome to cold season!! I hate it ...I hate it so much.

I have a history of sort of over-reacting to cold season. It's pretty standard protocol for me to go to Sav-On Drugstore and nearly buy them out of anything I haven't tried before. I would like to think I've tried it all. I even bought one of those Zicam nasal sprays once... gross. But in the past few years I haven't been getting (or at least staying) sick nearly as much. I know I usually try to post stuff on here to take care of your soul, but you can't take care of much of anything when you're under the weather. So here is what works for me when I'm sick.

1. Drink copious amounts of water. I usually aim to drink water consistently throughout the day. I rarely drink soda (it eats at your tooth enamel, among other things) and I don't bother buying juice because most of the juices from the market are like, 8% juice and the rest is crap. Water is my best buddy. And Chai Tea. But that's a whole 'nother ballgame. When you're sick, drink water like it's going out of style. It's going to flush out all the toxins in your system and clean you out. You will also be better hydrated which means clearer skin, better brain function, and more energy. And if you're like me- you don't look so hot with dry winter skin face. Or Rudolph nose.
2. Emergen-C. I'm obsessed. It's the only thing that I've tried that I can honestly say I think helps me with my cold. I also take Nyquil or Dayquil if I can't sleep or function at work & school. But those don't actually beat the crap out of whatever Cold Bugs I have the way Emergen-C does. I drink it like it's going out of style. Whatever vitamin C you don't need, you body just disposes of. So you can't, so I hear, overdose on it. I actually ONLY take anything with vitamin C in it when I'm showing symptoms of getting sick because for some reason if I take anything outside that window I actually start getting a cold. Weird, I know. Bonus: if you're drinking a crap ton of Emergen-C packets you are also drinking lots of water. Two birds. One stone. Sweet.
3. Rest. This is key. This means as much as you can, don't stay out on Friday night until 2am. Not getting enough sleep is pretty much the worst thing you can do. I know that if you're a parent or have other non-negotiable responsibilities you don't have many options. But do what you can to keep it really low key.
4. Light exercise. I am an avid stretcher. I stretch my body at least once an hour, sometimes more. Especially in these stuffy winter months, it just feels good. Yoga and light cardio are also great. Don't work yourself too hard. Then again... this might not be an expert opinion since I never do really strenuous exercises. If you're a big runner, I say you go for it. I also recommend getting outside as much as you can. For some reason fresh air really makes me feel better. If it's freezing, uh... bundle up. Duh.
5. Eat. The old "feed a cold, starve a flu" applies. I like chicken soup. And anything with tons of vegetables. I also take a multivitamin, but I do that year-round as well. If you can take the heat, add hot peppers or hot sauce to your meals when possible. I don't have a medical excuse for this but it sure does clear out your sinuses. Don't drink milk or eat anything dairy if you can help it. Cheese-a-holics, I feel your pain. But no one wants to hear you coughing and congested for hours just so you could enjoy some brie. Gross.

My final piece of advice is to get, like, 5 things of Anti-bacterial gel. Use the crap out of it. I have one at work, one in my purse, and one at home. The pump kind is convenient, or Bath and Body works has some that smell delicious so you will be more motivated to use them. You wont only avoid catching germs, but you wont be that jerk who drops them off on the door handle at the mall either. Not the kind of "Giving Season" you were going for.

Get well soon!

Revert.

2011-12-02T08:42:00.001-08:00

I've had some writer's block lately, which has been stellar since I'm trying to write a screenplay and realized a week ago that what I have so far is complete crap. But this morning I started to feel inspired again, so I'm pretty happy about it.

I want to talk about revertation. Revertation is probably not a word... but guess what, I don't care. I've decided that revertation is the act of reverting. BAM! Just call me Webster.

Now I know that life is a lesson and that it's important to adjust your sails based on acquired knowledge. However, there is a certain amount of power in reverting to the innocence of our youth. Who we were before we learned how to exist according to everyone eles's expectations. We are individuals, each and every one of us. However, as time wears on in our lives and we experience the world more and more- we become more run of the mill. We alter ourselves based on learned fears and behaviors. But as with everything else in life, it is vital that we instill a sense of balance to the equation. Learn to exist with others, but remain true to who we are at our core.

Let me address the "exist with other" portion of that statement. I use a lot of idealism in my writing, and plenty of "should," statements. But I realize that in order to coexist, we have to adapt to our surroundings. It's ideal to think that the true "you" should sit and play video games all day because it's what makes you happy, but it's not a practical survival method. The same goes for social coexistence. I know a lot of people who will tell you that they say whatever they want to others without worrying about their reaction because they are going to "be who they are." These are the same people I know who have hardly any social connections because people don't want to be around someone who cares little for their feelings, and these are the same people who seem to me to be consistantly unhappy human beings. It's not sacrifice of being true to yourself, but merely adaptation. You adapt, you consider the feelings of others. It may be considered slightly selfish to admit, but being kind and considerate enables that you will be more permitted to interact with other people. You give a little, you get a little. In return, they receive (considerate) interaction from you. Everyone wins.

On the other side of that balance is the idea of remaining true to yourself. I encourage you to think back to who you were as a child. What was important to you? And I mean before interactions with parents or friends changed you to adapt to your world. Before I was influenced by others, I was always a very weird kid. I'm sure that wouldn't come as a shock to anybody. I collected bugs, ran around barefoot, told people I was from outer space, and loved to play pretend. I remember my favorite game being "Speedy Gonzalez" (remember him?) and it consisted basically of running around our neighbor's fruit tree in circles as fast as we could. I don't remember watching TV pretty much at all and I would sneak into the kitchen and steal literally spoonfuls of sugar when my Mom wasn't around. I also remember sitting in my brother's room and listening to The Smiths and They Might Be Giants for hours on end while he was at school. Then my neighbors taught me what a Barbie doll was and that if I wanted to be accepted, I needed to stop playing pretend because it was "weird." So I grew up. I feel like a lot of my life went that way... people saying that what I wanted to do was weird so I would try to be more serious and socially "normal." I suspect a lot of people had the same experience.

It's important for us to maintain some of that sense of who we were as kids. Free, full of dreams and fantasies, individuals. We grow up and become so much of what the world tells us to be that we forget who we are at our core. It's time we revert. Revert back to who we were as children and remember to dream and play and to have fun. I spent an hour yesterday walking my roommate's dog (see: my old dog) and stepping in every pile of leaves I saw- just to hear the crunch. Totally weird, but completely awesome. We can't live our lives according to someone else's idea of normal. Closed mindedness really ought to be something we leave in 2011.

So the real question is how do you balance the two? How can you hold to who you are while coexisting with other people? I think the answer is to determine what behaviors of yours are detrimental. Most people are willing to accept oddities in others, so long as they aren't attitudes or behaviors that put people down. It's really a matter of "just be nice." The answer really is just to live with love. You can be weird, peculiar, strange, and bizarre. But remember to connect with others in acceptance and love. Love their weirdness, and recognize the beauty in their differences from you. Love is the only compromise you should make in yourself. In the end, it has a tendency to be what matters most.

The Red Queen.

2011-12-01T15:29:00.001-08:00

Isn't this the most beautiful thing ever??

It makes me want to learn how to play Chess.

Maybe in 2012?

(Anthropologie: $1,200... Not exactly practical)

Life for the sake of itself.

2011-11-30T12:32:00.001-08:00

I talk a lot on here about working on one's self and the processes that I suggest taking to get "there," wherever "there" is. And I think that projects of the self have always sort of fascinated me. They become this crazy sort of roller coaster of Finding Yourself, including the highs and lows of the whole ordeal. I think that the problem can, on occasion, lie where people assume that they are capable of completion. Like they have this person that they can become and once they reach that, they are somehow "done."

We are never Done. We are never Completed.

And that is a very, very good thing.

I think that people get so caught up in this idea that they begin to look at everything around them as a destination, rather than a journey. The dream job becomes "where I want to end up." Or the spouse who becomes "who I want to end up with." And they get upset if something doesn't pan out, which to me is sort of ridiculous. No person, place, or event is our end goal. They are a part of a time that has passed, and you are now in a time that is. Exist now.
There's really no Grand Finale to life. Not to sound morbid but the last day of your life will almost certainly wind up being a random Tuesday like any other Tuesday. But that's the point: life is about making each and every Tuesday extraordinary for the simple reason that it's a day and each day is a gift to be marveled at. I can guarantee that if the last day of your life is spent playing video games and eating ice cream- that will be the most vivid video game and the sweetest ice cream you will ever enjoy. Every day should feel this way. Every nap is a luxury. Every hand held is warm with the pulse of precious life. Each breath should taste of the sweetness of life. The world is love, and beauty, and hope. And it's a journey, without a destination.

Like a Boss.

2011-11-29T10:02:00.001-08:00

Obsessed with her.

Enjoy.

2011-11-28T10:35:00.001-08:00

I was driving home from Utah this weekend, travelling through St. George and looking out the window as I am so inclined to do on road trips. It's a gorgeous drive that reminds me of countless road trips through the area when I was just a kid. I remember driving through the canyons and writing poetry in my little secret notebook. I looked forward to that part of the drive the entire trip so that I could basically marvel at how gorgeous the mountains and red rocks look in the sunlight.
Anyways, driving through this trip was no less magical and as I stared out the window I noticed my mind wandering to other places, and to other times. Initially I didn't catch myself and when I finally realized what I was doing I kind of mentally shook myself with a little bit of self-resentment. "Be here now!" Here I was, in the front row of some of nature's most gorgeous work and one of my favorite places since I can remember, and I wasn't fully enjoying it.
And how often does that happen? How often do we spend too much time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future rather than just enjoying our lives? I feel like it's an awful lot. And it's a terrible habit. Life is awesome. Like, seriously really and truly awesome. The people in it, the experiences available to us, all of it. It's important to live in the current moment so that we don't miss out on what is happening right here and now. Because that, my friends, is what it's all about. It's about the moments in our lives (yes I know this is very Hallmark sounding). It's about what is happening now, and not what has happened or what will happen. I can't emphasize enough just how minuscule the things we stress over really are in the grand scheme of things. And trust me, I am just as guilty of not being in the current moment as anyone... but it doesn't have to be that way. Sometimes you almost have to take baby steps to be in the Now. I pulled myself out of my head by small observations: That rock is red. The sky is so blue. I wonder what the wind feels like blowing through those branches. The leaves are so pretty in the Fall here. You kind of start to really SEE what is around you and stop seeing what exists solely in your head.
I think that as a writer, I am probably more prone to this kind of behavior. It's just so easy to sit around and romanticize things that exist in my mind rather than just use my eyes to appreciate the world as it is in front of me. But there is a huge gift in simplicity. In the simplicity of seeing something for what it is, and appreciating it. It's like in one of my previous entries with the half full/ half empty glass: stop focusing on whether it's hypothetically full or not and just appreciate the "Hey! Free milk!" It can be as simple as that: Just enjoy it.

Thanks.

2011-11-22T09:04:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow is my last day at my computer before I leave for my Thanksgiving trip, but I know tomorrow will be too crazy to write anything substantial on here. And before I leave I think I would be remiss if I didn't make some feeble attempt to discuss all of the things I have been so grateful for this year.
2011 was a pretty crazy year for me, and if you go back through last year's Thanksgiving, it's been an insane 12 months of my life.
To start with the obvious: Exactly 12 months ago today, Jill went into Cardiac Arrest and her heart stopped for 5 full minutes. For anyone who doesn't follow my blog religiously- Jill is my sister just older than me. This time last year was one of the most shocking periods of my life, and I don't remember having many deep thoughts about it because it was so jarring that I couldn't focus on much of anything. It wasn't until later that the severity of the situation settled in with me and I realized just how close I came to losing my sister. You just don't ever think something like that will happen to you until it does- but I think that's what anyone who has been through something like that will tell you. Jill has been one of the most important people in my life, and to think of a life with her no longer in it is just unimaginable. I am so, so, so beyond grateful that I still get to have my sister. I am also very humbled and grateful for her progress in her recovery so far. I know it's frustrating, and difficult for her and her family on the frontlines. But I know that she can do this, and I am grateful for such a strong sister to inspire me.
Next up on my list is a person who I had been fortunate to be around this past year or so. And not just the fact that he was in my life, but the people he exposed me to were some of the best and most inspirational people I have met. I know he wont read this, which makes it a little easier to be frank about things. But knowing Tony allowed me to see parts of who I am and more importantly- who I want to be. And of course it's tough when you talk to someone every day and come to realize isn't the person you're supposed to end up with- but I would feel like an ingrate if I didn't at least recognize the things that knowing him brought to my life. I think, honestly, that it ought to be like that with anyone you date or surround yourself with. I spent a long time of my life wandering. Too long, really. I have always taken the long road and not really minded it because I enjoy the journey so much. But I didn't even have my feet pointed any which way, and because of that I was settling for a life of mediocrity wherein I would mainly work and "hang out" every day. Oh, sure, I had dreams to accomplish things in my life. But I didn't DO anything about them. And along came this person who had actually done a lot of the things that I wanted to do with my life. Travel, explore nature, become more educated, enjoy some interesting hobbies. All of them were things that I had always wanted to do but never had the drive to go out and just... DO. I think the combination of what happened to Jill and my exposure to Tony gave me the incentive to make some commitments to myself to stop treading water where I was and start swimming towards something greater. Life is short. And sometimes you have to just go for it.
Another (related) thing I am grateful for is Tony's family. I know, I know, I'm sounding like a kiss ass here. But they've been a major part of my life for the past year or so. And each one of them inspired me, probably more than they realize. I don't know how specific I want to get here, mainly because it's actually quite difficult for me to. But this family is something special. Their dedication to one another and ability to support each other is and always will be inspirational to me on a level I can't quite explain. I have been unbelievably lucky to have been welcomed into their home and get to spend the time that I did with them.
I am grateful for my (hopefully first of many!) trip to Europe. Sara and Matt were the absolute most gracious hosts to me and it was so cool of them to show me around Paris, Amsterdam, Kos, Nisseros, Turkey, and Dusseldorf. I had the most unreal time there and being able to accomplish a trip that I'd been dreaming about since I was a little girl has been something that I will forever be grateful for.
I am grateful for the people that I have lived with this year. It has had it's fair share of challenges and of course- ups and downs. But all in all it has given me some wonderful experiences to take with me. I am no longer at the house that I lived at for something like 4 years, and I am grateful for the fact that I have moved on. With the utmost respect to my former roommates, the place that I am living now is much better suited to my needs as my life has evolved to where I am now. It has, so far, been like a dream living at my new place. And I'm certain that challenges will come. But I will hopefully be grateful for them and the opportunities they give me to be stronger and better as a roommate and as a person in general.
I am grateful for my friends who have seen me through this past year. I've made some new friends in people I've met through Tony and who I couldn't BE more grateful for. Fun people like Kim, Chelsea, and Kaila- with passionate dreams and exciting lives. I've also been lucky enough to stay in touch with old friends who have remained in my life for years and years. Last year on my birthday we went to dinner and I was so amazed by the number of people who wanted to take time out of their busy schedules to be with me on my big day. People like Sayum and Grant, who I am constantly baffled for how I deserve such people in my life. Kenneth, who has been there for me as a friend whenever I've needed someone to talk to and make me laugh. I am so insanely lucky to have the friends that I have. I don't know if I would ever be able to express that to these people, but it is an overwhelming feeling.
My family. My foundation. My everything. Even when they drive me a little bonkers. My Mom, who has held me crying as a child and an adult- telling me that everything will be alright. My Dad, who is my constant idol in life and who hangs the moon for me. Ky, my twin. My oldest brother that constantly makes me laugh. Charity who has become one of my best friends and trusted confidants the older I get. Ryan who is one of the smartest and most interesting people I know. And of course Jill who is my brave and amazing fighter, inspiring us all.
It has been a wild ride. And I know I say this every year: but I feel like the past 12 months have been the most influential months of my life. I have changed in ways I never knew I could. I have faltered, I've fallen, I've gotten up, and I've catapulted forward. It's been unreal and amazing and terrifying and exhilarating. I wouldn't say I have loved every minute of it, but I am unapologetically grateful for every minute of it.
Thank you, Life.

Pinterest Love.

2011-11-21T11:35:00.001-08:00

Majorly geeking out on the fact that a blog I've been following for nearly a year just re-posted something I had on my Pinterest page.
It's pretty cool to see your name credited on a blog you admire, even if I didn't take the photo myself!! Check it out: http://copperandlace.blogspot.com/

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.

2011-11-18T13:30:00.001-08:00

Some days, I feel like I'm sort of in the wrong place. But I think everyone might feel like that sometimes. I'm learning more and more that despite my best efforts at covering it up, I am a very sensitive, soft-hearted person. I never thought myself much of a sap, but I admit that I cry during sad movies. This is something I never did when I was younger, and something that sort of alarms me every time it happens. "No! No no no. This is not something we do!"
But can I tell you a secret? I'm not tough. I'm not tough at all. I'm never going to be a hard ass type girl who you "wouldn't want to mess with." Come on, I'm 5 foot 4 and weigh all of 112 pounds. I'm hardly going to kick your ass. If they made a cartoon character of me, it would most likely be wearing a sun dress and playing tag with Fawns and Bluebirds.
I constantly battle with myself on my Rose Colored Glasses persona, which is sort of my default view on life. A lot of people have told me that I need to toughen up. To be more real and stop being so naive. And I agree, naivety can be dangerous. But some times I just want to imagine that the world is wonderful and that life is this amazing gift and not so much a trial. Is that so terrible? Some people look at the glass half empty, and some people look at it half full. I look at it as, "Free milk, which is great because I'm thirsty!" Yes, I realize that makes me sound like sort of a ditz- but am I really? Or am I just someone who doesn't want to waste time analyzing whether something is half full or not while it spoils itself?
A part of me worries that I have some sort of mental illness wherein I just want to be a kid forever. I call it Peter Pan Syndrome, and have been suspicious of it for some time. Some of my favorite things are fantastical. My dream house is a tree house (it has plumbing and everything- trust me I have thought this through!). I love to draw and paint. I love doe-eyed owls and snowy Beluga Whales. I sing along with my car radio and don't care who is looking anymore. I'm fascinated by fantasy and comic book movies. I splash in rain puddles and I like to go on long walks to look at the different trees in my neighborhood. I love being barefoot and when I go swimming- I float on my back and let my arms dance in the water. There are few things I love more than to stretch. I despise being indoors and am obsessed with nature. This is my life. It's sort of like the life of a 6 year-old.
But my question is: is that so terrible? Sometimes I think about the advice people give me to grow up already, and I start to feel manipulated. I am proud to still hold on to fragments of who I was when I was a kid. A sort of innocence that you can't really get back once it's gone. Do I want to abandon my sense of wonder towards my world around me? Do I really want to know how the serious people of the world think and live? Or do I want to stay ME- to watch cartoons and eat Popsicles for breakfast?
I know there is a middle ground where I can protect myself from the world but still embrace it. I'm just looking for that place where I can keep my feet on the ground but my head looking towards the puffy little white clouds.

Swanky.

2011-11-17T11:24:00.001-08:00

Sweetness.

2011-11-15T10:06:00.001-08:00

Just made this. I think it turned out rather lovely.

Don't Fear The Creeper.

2011-11-11T14:40:00.001-08:00

Today I want to talk about the irony in fear.

For starters, what is fear? And why does it exist? Fear is, to my knowledge and in a strictly scientific sense, a defense mechanism created to protect us. From the very first man who walked the Earth, we were instilled with a sense of fear to help aid us in a "fight or flight" response. We NEEDED fear in order to quickly analyze potentially dangerous situations and asses if we ought to stand up to them or run from them. Fear also instills in the human body a rush of adrenaline so that if we DO choose to fight the good fight, we have that extra boost of energy to complete the task. People need fear to survive. Fear is a very, very good thing.

As people evolved and day-to-day situations became safer and safer, our need for fear has (in my opinion) decreased. We aren't out in the wilderness, fighting for our lives against wild animals and natural elements. We're in safe, warm homes. We are protected and well fed. And the need for us to use fear to our advantage has leveled at a minimum necessity. But we still have this natural gift in us, and because it's in our nature, we have to use it somehow. So I think we transfer it. We aren't using it for survival anymore, but for what we think will have the least potential risk. What will be the path of least resistance? And we choose that path. And rather than look at the more difficult path as an exciting challenge, we fear it. We feel that it's a threat to our comfortable and "safe" little lives.

But the irony in fear is that it has become an overly wasted emotion. For example: a good friend of mine was talking about being nervous to embark on a particular class at school. She was intimidated by how intensive it would be and she was getting nervous because she feared she would fail it. I asked her one simple question: How many things that you try do you ever fail at? Not just not be the best at, but actually FAIL? Her response was, "Well.... none that I can think of, actually." We will always have things in our lives that we aren't the absolute best at- but rarely do we set ourselves out on a path that we completely fail at. Not if it's something we really try hard to succeed in doing.

And it's funny because I'm afraid of failure ALL THE TIME. I'd venture to say that my fear of failure is one of my biggest setbacks in life. It prevents me from trying a number of things that I'd really like to do, but am afraid of doing. And why?? I think it's important to think, during these situations, what is the worst case scenario? I am going back to school for my Bachelors Degree in Journalism. I've always wanted to write, but I think I was afraid of doing it. I guess on some level I worried that I wouldn't be good enough, or that I WOULD be good enough in my classes but upon graduating I wouldn't be able to get a job. But what is the worst that could happen? I get my degree and can't find a job in my field. And so I get a different job but one day, I apply for a new job and realize that my degree pushes me towards the top of the list of applicants. Or maybe I never use my degree, but I gain more knowledge. In none of those scenarios am I any worse off than I am now. So why the fear? Why the irrationality? I'd be willing to bet that 9 out of 10 times in my life, the leaps I've been terrified to make but made anyways have ended up being the best things that have ever happened to me.

I suggest we all stop being so scared of failure. And stop fearing life going a different way than we planned. Rarely does life go as we plan it, but it's also pretty rare that the things we fear are the things we actually SHOULD fear. It's almost always some unforeseen event in our lives that becomes the "bad thing" in it. Living in fear of the unknown is a waste. Just don't do it.

Not So Reckless Abandonment.

2011-11-10T11:07:00.001-08:00

Something that I find to be an interesting lesson in life is the mythology of the old "Sour Grapes" story. In case you haven't heard it, it goes something like this:
A fox was wandering and came upon a beautiful vineyard. He spots this vineyard and gets very excited to eat the grapes. So he runs up to the tall vines and notices the juicy purple grapes are all up near the top of the plant. He runs to them and jumps, just barely missing the fruit. He tries again, and again. And after several failed attempts to reach them he gives up. "Fine," He says, exasperated, "those grapes were probably sour anyways."
So I completely ad-libbed that story, but I think it goes something like that. My point is, my entire life I have had this fear of being "Sour Grapes" about things. If I didn't succeed, I would insist that it was my fault and beat myself up about it because heaven forbid I consider that it's possibly not a part of "the plan" in the first place. And I understand the concept of never giving up on something, I really do. But some times... in some situations it's okay to give up, I think. It's important to know when to walk away from something.
Like if you LOVE to paint, I think you should do it. And if you're terrible- do it anyways. But by all means- do not become that starving artist who banked everything on your art only to die in the streets. Do not go down with a sinking ship!!

I have always thought of myself as, and forgive the comedy in this because it IS a pretty funny statement, as someone with hardly any pride. If I'm wrong, I like to think I will be the first to admit and own up to my part in it. But I'm realizing that I have this tendency to be stubborn. But, like, in this very peculiar way. I can admit that I'm wrong, but I have a draining opposition to "giving up" or being "sour grapes." It terrifies me for some reason. And it's funny because I don't think that even failed endeavours are a waste of any one's time because everything is a learning lesson and an experience. But I loathe the thought of failing at something and then trying to pawn it off as "whatever, I didn't really want that thing in the first place." Which is funny because you don't really need to do that in your failures. You can fully admit that you wanted something really badly but it wasn't working out and you just knew when to fold. You didn't want to go down with that sinking ship.

The other thing that factors into this behavior of mine is that I think I'd like to live a very poetic life. And what's more poetic than the old "______ conquers all!" ideology? Insert whatever word you want there: love, God, hard work, righteousness. They all work. Being a martyr for what you believe in is a very poetic thought. And especially as someone who humbly considers herself a writer- a poetic life is ideal. I want those moments of "I tarried and suffered for my convictions!!!" Yea, okay, that sounds like a really nice story. But in the mean time, you're suffering for X amount of time. You are sinking. Your ship is sinking. And you're staying on simply because... well... it makes for a good story. Wow.

And it's the ego in us that wont let us give up some times. And you know, most times it's good to give something all you've got. But it's essential to your well-being to make sure to keep your eyes open for the fine line in the sand when you're fighting a losing battle. And it's alright to have wanted something, and it's still very poetic to have tried. But life is too short to worry about your ego so much. Let it go. Admit that you failed, and look for the lesson in it. Some times the endeavor wasn't ever going to work, no matter how hard you tried. So just enjoy the experience and the thrill you got from working for something.

On a semi-unrelated note, I'll end with another ad-libbed story I recently read somewhere (not a clue where, sorry). I think it really hits home for remembering to enjoy your moments and not worry so much about stuff:

There was a gentleman who loved to have company over for dinner and tea. He would always invite his guests over and after dinner, they would socialize and drink tea while he washed all of the dishes from the meal. One evening, a guest asked the host if he would allow him to wash the dishes FOR him so that he could enjoy the company. The host informed the guest: You may wash the dishes, but only if you do it the right way. The guest was amused, and inquired what the "proper" way to wash the dishes was. The host answered him, "You must WASH the dishes. Do not wash them while thinking about looking forward to drinking your tea. Washing the dishes is an experience in and of itself. Enjoy it. It is the same as if you drink your tea while thinking about tomorrow. You are not actually drinking your tea at all. Enjoy the moment you are in, not the one you are looking forward to."

Food.

2011-11-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

Yep. I've officially become a person who takes pictures of the food I make. BBQ Chicken Pizza on Whole Wheat (dough admittedly NOT made from scratch. Next time!), and Pumpkin Muffins. I also made 2 loaves of pumpkin bread, but the muffins looked so cute in their little glass stand. This month marks the beginning of me cooking a lot more, I hope. So be ready for food stuff on here! Also if anyone has a recipe for pumpkin bread that does NOT have copious amounts of sugar and oil, let me know. These are delicious but I'm gaining about a pound per bite.

Yasemin Turan.

2011-11-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

I know it's two in one day, but I can't stop listening to this girl's youtube channel. This song in particular is just stunning: the imagery, tune, her voice... the combination is pure comfort.

Newbie.

2011-11-07T09:01:00.000-08:00

Well, today is the big day!! After work I am moving the last of my stuff from my townhouse that I've lived in for somewhere close to 5 years and into my new house that I will be at from now on. It's so surreal, actually. I don't move much and I'm not a person who has a history of being comfortable with change,. so I think this is going to be really really good for me. Since I've had this coming up, I have sort of put a lot of stuff on the back burner. I've seen this move as an opportunity for growth and evolution, so I guess I just put off making any of the goals that I'd like to set out until I'm at my new place so that I can get started. And the time is here and now, so I suppose it's time to get those goals written down so that I can focus my efforts on working towards them now. This is it for the rest of November:
1. Stay home more. Since I gave my notice at my new place, I have hardly been home at all. I wont go into why because I don't want to offend anybody. But suffice to say I just haven't wanted to BE there. But I miss being able to come home and kick off my shoes. I'm normally a homebody by nature, and it's hard for me when I have to rush around to get places after work. My new place is going to be great because I will be home by myself every day after work for a few hours, and I'm sure aside from that I will have more home time since I have less roommates that will be there. Living with 3 people has been hard because someone is ALWAYS there and not that they don't have every right to be but it's really nice when you have a whole house to yourself. So I'm excited to embrace that. Maybe I will get back into painting and reading more, two things that I haven't done much of lately. I also can't wait until summertime so that I can swim and lay out by my pool. That's going to be awesome.
2. Go hard on the last few weeks of school. I turned in my big paper last week which has been a huge load off my shoulders. I was so thrilled with it too because my class absolutely loved it. Of course they had some critiques (they were supposed to) but all in all they really liked it. I had 2 people admit that it made them cry, and 3 people who said it was one of or the best story they'd read in the class so far. I was beyond flattered. Especially because I am planning on going back to school for my Journalism degree and this sort of confirmed that I have what it takes to write. Really excited about that.
3. Get back in the kitchen. I love cooking. I love food. But for reasons I wont get into, I haven't been doing any of that for the past month. And it makes me sad to give up something that I enjoy so much. I've told myself that once I move I will start cooking again, so I'm really excited to do that. I've been eating out a lot too and I hate that feeling that I have been living on fast food or even restaurant food. I like making my own food and knowing exactly what is going into it. I love creating and trying out new dishes. My goal is to continue to learn how to make healthy but still yummy food, and learn some new recipes too. My new roommate likes to cook as well so I'm excited to see what I can learn from her in the kitchen! Not to mention that all the appliances in my new house are brand new, so cooking in there is going to be so much fun!
4. Get off my butt. I haven't been working out practically at all lately. And it makes me sad. Once I'm at my new place I'd really like to get back into yoga and also try out some different dance classes. There's a ballet studio near me and I think that would be really fun to get into, depending on if I'm still any good at it. I did ballet as a kid and loved it, I think it would be a great way to exercise and also to improve my coordination and poise. I took at Flying Trapeze class a few weeks ago and they kept asking me if I was a dancer, so I guess I've still got something of what it might take. Should be fun!
5. Get better at getting my finances in order. This should be interesting what with Christmas coming up. But I think that I've had a shopping problem for long enough and I really feel like getting a handle on my financial situation is something I need to do. I know there are some really good books that I can read, and I'm going to stop spending money on my "shopping" credit cards. I've already gone somewhere close to 2 months (maybe even more...?) without spending money on them. So if I can keep that up I'm at least on my way. Hopefully I can get things in order by Spring so that I can see a difference in my debt to income ratio. I've never been particularly good with money and I think that learning to do things differently will really be a great way to be more independent instead of spending all my money on stupid stuff and then not having any for fun activities and groceries!! I'll get there. I know it.

So that is November. And probably going into December too. I just have a lot of things to work on, even aside from this stuff. But for the first time in a long time I feel like things are going to be different. And I know that I can do it on my own, which is empowering. My life is changing, and it's going to be a really fantastic thing. Here's to enjoying the process.

Noms.

2011-11-04T12:21:00.000-07:00

How I know I'm a fat kid at heart:

I am sitting here, whilst eating lunch mind you, and getting increasingly excited about my move this weekend. And NOT because of my new roommate or gorgeous house (although those are exciting too), but because I just realized that Costa Mesa has a ton of delicious places that I can go out to eat. And not, like, Main Street HB places where they're full of still drunk people from the bars last night and have run-of-the-mill menus. Awesome places with innovative menus that only a community of "we're too good for run of the mill" scenesters would open. Needless to say, my appetite has been officially whet.

Holiday Fun.

2011-11-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

Okay I know Halloween is over, but I just saw this and couldn't help but repost.

Absolutely amazing.

Come Alive.

2011-11-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

-Howard Thurman.

Vulnerability Part 2.

2011-11-01T12:53:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I've talked about this before but today I want to talk about Vulnerability. Partially because I watched this amazing video on Ted.com about it and it really made me feel inspired. PS, have you heard of Ted.com? It's ahhhhmazing.
Brene Brown gave a speech about vulnerability and how it is both good and bad. Which I SO identified with because I have those moments. The times when I open myself up and I feel so refreshed, and moments when I have my vulnerability trampled on and wish I'd never let anyone in. Getting shut down is never a pleasant feeling, I don't care who you ask. And I know several people who have opened themselves up to things only to get shut down and it completely wrecks them. Their brains tell them that they've done something "wrong" and for some reason they start to feel like the only way to right it is to close up. Which I think, like, they did something wrong. But many times the thing that was wrong wasn't that they allowed themselves to be vulnerable, but that they did it in environments that weren't trustworthy. You need to be careful where you place your vulnerabilities. Because sharing them with people who don't deserve it can be destructive. But sharing them with people who deserve it can yield you the greatest rewards of anything you could ever do. Sharing will build you trust, and create bonds with people that never could have occurred if you remain closed off to the world.

Through this I have realized that I am sort of a vulnerability-addict. I will tell you absolutely anything about my life's struggles because I feel like it's that connection to other people (often through vulnerability) that makes bonds between us. I don't suspect that many people bond over having easy lives. We, as people, bond over our frailties and our struggles. Watch any great movie or read any great book and take a look at the bonds that people make there. How many characters do you feel a connection with that live seemingly perfect lives? It's always the people who have identifiable flaws with whom we connect. And life is all about our connections that we make, and how those connections make us feel.
But you must be careful of your world around you when you open yourself up. And in any single one of my bad experiences in this life I look at one simple question: Was it me? And hey, sometimes it is. Sometimes I was thoughtless. Sometimes I became someone I should know better than to be. And I make conscious efforts to move away from those poor choices. But sometimes it's NOT me. Sometimes, it's the people and places I was around that need to change the next time around. Sometimes I did everything right, except to trust the wrong people. Made a bad judgement call, you know? So be careful of those, too.
I feel like I'm getting more complex than I need to here, because the message is really simple. It's okay to be imperfect. It's okay to take risks where you make yourself vulnerable. That's where the real leaps forward occur. They don't happen when you "play it safe" by doing the thing that will be the easiest. You move forward by doing the toughest stuff, the stuff that you might get hurt doing. Just be weary and aware of your surroundings when you leap. Don't take risks with people who would be careless with your vulnerabilities. And don't be a person who is careless with other people when they expose themselves. I read somewhere that fear is the cause of almost everything negative that a person can do. Fear of not being accepted, fear of not being loved. Don't be a person who instills that fear in other people, for any reason. Just don't even start that pattern. Be kind, and caring, and loving. Put good out and you'll get good back. I promise.

Fall into Winter.

2011-10-31T13:12:00.000-07:00

It's Halloween and all I can think about is how excited I am for Fall & Winter. For Thanksgiving and Christmas, basically. This year I get to spend Thanksgiving in Utah which means I get to play in some snow, finally! I'm also a huge Christmas fan and I am really excited to start getting things ready! Christmas cards, decorating my new house (which hopefully my roommate will be cool with), and looking around for good presents. Lots of chocolate-peppermint stuff and nights of hot cocoa and big fuzzy warm socks! I'm excited for ribbons and shiny wrapping paper. I have never been a person who cares much about getting gifts for Christmas, but I love the idea of giving your loved ones something fun to open and use. So I can hardly wait for that, too. I am looking forward to a mix of a few choice Christmas songs and a lot of Gangster Rap which, for some reason, really puts me in the Holiday spirit. It's time!!

Knowledge Vs. Bliss.

2011-10-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

I've been making an effort to become more educated as of late. I notice that a lot of the time when friends and classmates are discussing political or world events, I have no clue what they are talking about. And that's sort of pathetic, considering I sit at a computer all day long with tons of time to learn about the world. So pretty much every day, I spend some time going over the NY Times website and learning about what's going on around me.
But I feel a mixture of emotion when I'm reading this stuff. For one, I'm glad to know about what is happening. This week I've been reading a lot about the earthquake in Turkey, the protests in New York and around the US, and some of the upset in Greece over their government's financial situation (which, I admit, I'm still trying to understand it all). But at the same time, I feel sad. I feel sad to see how many terrible things are happening in the world at any given point in time. The arrests near Wall Street are nearing 1,000 since the middle of last month. There was a shooting in Sarajevo. I mean... I know this kind of stuff happens, but at what point is it important for my sanity to remain peacefully in the dark about some of it?
That's something I've struggled with my whole life, really. I feel like if I were left to my own devices I would walk around with my rose-colored glasses and when bad things happened I'd just cover my eyes. I hate hearing about bad things happening, especially to good people. And I think I could very blissfully remain ignorant of the world's bigger problems if I really wanted to. But then I realize that in order for anything good to come, there has to be some conflict. There has to be challenge in order to pursue better and brighter futures. I mean that in myself as well as the world. And I certainly don't want to be ignorant of why my world is the way it is, nor do I want to stand by watching other people participate while I cross my fingers or play with butterflies.

I guess it all comes down to balance. I already knew that, of course. But there has to be a balance of good and evil, joy and sorrow, complication and simplicity. We can't and wont win all the battles we fight, but that doesn't mean we should be all or nothing about them. Effort. Knowledge. Awareness of the world's problems. But with a little enjoyment for the GOOD things in life mixed in. I can spend an hour reading the newspaper, and spend the next little bit looking at pictures from National Geographic or listening to something beautiful on iTunes. There is good out there too. It's just about finding that balance between both worlds.

Asking For Help Is Helpful.

2011-10-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

So today is going to be a day of seriously opening up to you. Prep yo'selves.

I started seeing a therapist, again, recently. I saw a family therapist when I was a kid because, well, I was not a very good little monster and my parents wanted help. At the time, I think I held a grudge against them for it. But now... now I think it was quite possibly the bravest thing they could have done. Therapy is asking for help. It's admitting that you're not perfect and that you can't fix things by yourself. Rather than being stubborn and arrogant and thinking you have all the answers (ps- you DON'T), you're admitting that you could really use a little assistance. We honestly could all use a little help some days. I wont judge people who think therapy isn't for them. But for me- I live in a world where I need to rely on my own gut and instincts to survive it. And if I feel like my mind isn't doing such a hot job of making good choices, asking for a personal trainer to get my mind to pique performance is a good idea. So I made an appointment. So far, so good.

First of all, I want to say why I'm sharing something so personal on a public forum. It's because I want to admit my flaws to other people, as well as to myself. Because I post a lot of self-help kind of stuff on here and if anyone reads this, I want them to know that asking for help is huge a part of self-help. And that's not only okay, but something to be proud of if you ask me. I like myself, therefore I think it's important to get all the help I can get to make myself better. And if you like yourself, and care about yourself, you know that you're worth doing whatever it takes to get yourself to the best you can be.

I also want to share my journey with you because it will most likely be a big part of my life from here on out. I'm not embarrassed to be working on myself, and I think that opening up about it will really help anyone else out there who feels anything like the way I feel.

This week I learned a few things in my appointment. For starters, I learned that I have some problems with co-dependency. That was the main thing we discussed this session. I already knew that, so it wasn't groundbreaking in the sense that I had an "aha" moment. But I did learn some things that I can do to help work on it. My therapist gave me a book to read as well as a group I can go to if I feel like it. Kinda cool that they have a group for co-dependant people. A little ironic, but it seems like sharing your trials and how you've solved them might not be a terrible idea. I'm willing to check it out. There's also a pretty cool website that you can go to called meetup.com where you can make friends who share the same interests as you. Thought that was cool too. I have a lot of people in my life who I am dependant on and who aren't great influences on me, so it will be good to branch out to find new people who might have similar goals to mine, that way I can have more positive influences and work towards doing things that are good for me (my goals usually are) while not isolating myself. My therapist says that it's good that I find the things that I like to do, but it's important not to isolate myself because then I will be lonely and latch onto the wrong people again simply out of loneliness. Makes sense, I suppose.

Anyways, I'm excited to start this journey. There are a lot of things that I have realized about myself even in the past week or two, and it's all been sorta empowering. I'm learning what things I like and more importantly what it means to say "no" to people and activities that I don't need in my life. I've always been a pretty open person, so if anyone has questions or anything about this stuff, please feel free to ask me on here in a comment or send me an email. It's my hope that my being open and honest about this stuff will help anyone who struggles with self-esteem or the like as well. We're all imperfect. But (more importantly) we're all worth fixing.

Ear Holes.

2011-10-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

I literally cannot stop listening to this song. It's perfect for one of those hazy lazy day drives.

Life IS Sweet.

2011-10-25T10:31:00.000-07:00

I am doing much better this week than the last few weeks (I haven't wanted to post about feeling crummy because it's depressing!).
We all have rough patches. The last time I went through a tough time, I feel like I posted a lot of stuff on here that was more or less crap. Inspirational and actually helpful to me now, but not 100% honest. At the beginning of the year this year, I had a really tough time. My posts here were my attempt to convince myself that I was going to be fine, but deep down I was pretty depressed. And I can admit that now. For a while, more recently, I was feeling that all too familiar feeling of hopelessness. Holly Golightly called it The Mean Reds, "Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." It's a crappy feeling. And I have had my mornings of that lately, but it's been encouraging that it hasn't been anything lasting more than a day or so. Earlier this year it was much worse. Which is sort of pathetic since I had so many great things going on, but all I could feel was this hollowness where I just didn't know what to do about it except escape. But not now.
Here's the thing, and I hope this hasn't been too depressing for you so far because it's about to get better, life is HARD. I know, right?? And life will always BE hard. It's never going to get easier or less complex. I read somewhere that life is a journey- a process. And people get so caught up in this goal-oriented style of living (which is usually a good thing) that they begin to frustrate themselves when life doesn't stop getting difficult at the conclusion of a particular task. But it never stops and that's why people need to focus more on healthy living habits as opposed to definitive goals. Don't get me wrong- goals are important too. It's good to work toward something and it's the only way to accomplish the THINGS that you want to achieve in your life. But I think it's much more important to figure out how to live the lifestyle that will bring you the most peace and satisfaction with who you become at the end of each day.

It's with this knowledge that I am much happier through this rough patch of my life. Because while I am making some solid goals to travel, go back to school for my Bachelors Degree, and move into a less toxic environment- I am concentrating more on the day to day lifestyle changes that will ultimately bring me happiness no matter what comes along. I'm not running away or distracting myself with false claims of peace. For the first time in a really, really long time I am meeting my life head on. I'm tackling the things that have brought me sorrow and figuring out ways to battle them in the future. I'm making plans of the lifestyle that I want, as opposed to the events I want to plan for specific dates that will come and go. And of course, I'm not perfect. Every day is a challenge for me and some days I sort of feel like I'm so far off course it's hard to get back... but I've been getting back. I'm getting back on track and every time I do it it's a more rapid approach, which is encouraging. Maybe I'm just getting better at being "me." Or at least becoming more familiar with who "me" is and therefore finding it easier to find myself again. Life is Sweet. Just remember that it gets better the more you practice living it the best way that you can.

Daily Purpose.

2011-10-19T15:53:00.000-07:00

I got to thinking today about what people can and do accomplish in their lives. Don't ask me to backtrack on it because it would take forever due to a day spent sandwiched somewhere between reading Self-Help books and browsing National Geographic's website. In all fairness I also spent a good portion of my day watching Family Guy on Hulu, so it's not like I was deep in thought ALL day long.
I was wondering to myself... what things are important to me? What things do I want to do, on a daily basis, and if all I ever do is those things- I will feel as if I've lived a full life? And here is what I came up with. If I can do each of these things every day, no matter HOW bad my day is, it will be a success.

1. Make someone feel good.
2. Learn or see something new.
3. Stop and really look at the world around me.
4. See something simple and beautiful.
5. Laugh.

What's your list?

PS here is something pretty for your ear holes!!

Sleep is for the Sheep.

2011-10-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those days? Today is, for me, one of those days. I haven't had a proper night's sleep in over 4 days, since I went out to visit my sisters in Colorado this weekend. It was just a mixture of staying up too late and plain old restlessness. So of course last night I finally came home to my familiar bed- expecting to sleep like a baby- and didn't sleep a wink. Okay, maybe a wink but no more than an hour. This happens to me sometimes and without warning. And it reminds me how very, very, VERY important sleep is for me to function. As such, everything seems more hopeless than it really is.
I was talking to a friend of mine who is having some emotional problems and she asked me about some of the self-help books I am reading. I told her that the books help, but the absolute most important thing you can do for yourself if you're feeling emotionally strained or drained is to take extra good care of yourself. Shelter yourself from negative outside forces by ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Eat plenty of good, healthy food. Drink more water than normal. And get lots and lots of sleep. If you're feeling frazzled, it's your body telling you that it needs some extra attention. Take vitamins and stretch. Go for a scenic drive or hike. Sometimes our soul is just pissed off at being ignored for too long. Treat yourself to a spa day or paint something pretty. I like to watch Amelie or any other artsy movie. Be selfish with your time. You wont have much to show for yourself if you don't take time to cater to your own needs and wants.
As such- I am beyond excited to get some sleep tonight. If I have to knock my own lights out, this is happening.

Knowles Knows.

2011-10-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

I read an interview with Beyonce this morning that I thought was pretty cool. I honestly don't pay a whole lot of attention to her, usually, but found her views on motherhood and marriage to be really refreshing and thought I'd share them with you.
On the subject of preparing to be a Mom: It was important to me that I take the time to focus on becoming the woman I want to be, building my empire, my relationship, and my self-worth, before I became a mother.
On her famous marriage to Jay-Z: We have been together since I was 20 years old. We took our time and developed an unbreakable friendship before we got married. ...like anything great and successful in your life, marriage takes hard work and sacrifice. It has to be something you and your husband both deeply want. The best thing about marriage is the amount of growth you have because you can no longer hide from your fears and insecurities. There's someone right there calling you out on your flaws and building you up when you need the support. If you are with the right person, it brings out the best version of both of you.
... I don't know. I really, really love her perspective on both of those things. This is not me sitting here saying I want to be a mom right now, or even a wife. My views on both of those roles have changed drastically in the past few years. I used to want to have those things by a certain deadline. I think it was somewhat expected of me and so I was more or less impartial to the details so much as the timing. We, as women, are on a physical deadline for starting a family. And it's a scary thought some times. But I'm always in such a rush. I like the concept of developing an unbreakable sense of self before I try to involve anyone else in the equation. I like the concept of developing an unbreakable friendship with a person before moving forward romantically with them. It's just... cool.

New Girl.

2011-10-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

Some big changes are happening in my life, and I couldn't be more excited about them. I think that the funny thing is that I am always so scared to make changes but when I do I always- every single time- end up coming out the other side so much happier. So I'm not sure why I get so freaked out to embrace change when it happens. I guess that'll be something I need to work on.

For starters: I no longer have Nora. I know. I'm a terrible pet owner. I always said I would never be one of those people who gives away an animal, but I felt that it was the right thing to do. I am hardly home and even when I am home, I'd rather not be. I've thought for years that I was such a homebody but as it turns out I'm really not. I like to go out and go camping, hiking, hang out with my friends, see movies, all that stuff. And it was becoming increasingly unfair to Nora to have her sit in the yard all day with no one to play with. So I gave to to a friend of mine a few weeks ago. I have seen her since, however, and I can tell that she is SO much happier there. Which makes me confident that I made the right decision.
Change number two is the biggest change of all. I am moving. Not far, just to the next town over. But it's far enough that I'm hoping to cut some drama out of my life and move forward into the next phase. I've lived in a condo with 3 other girls for the past nearly 6 years, and it's time to move on. The girls have rotated in and out through the house and I'm the only person left from the original group that lived there. Which, I think has given me some sense of longevity but at the same time has put a lot of pressure on me. I've become kind of the one "in charge" of a lot of stuff that I've gladly taken on as my responsibilities since I've been there the longest. But it's a lot of pressure on me that I don't need. My new house has way less people and will be a great environment since it's someone else's house and I don't have to shoulder all the responsibility of everything. It will be good for me to take my hands off most things. Between my house, my work, and my pet-owning responsibilities... I have just been feeling a lot of pressure to be someone I never signed up to be, simply because I'm the type of person willing to step in when something is needed.
November will be the turning over of a new leaf, and I'm thrilled at the prospect of all these changes. Changes are really just opportunities to grow, and I have every intention of doing just that. Growing and evolving, yet simplifying. I want to hold onto ONLY the things and people in my life that I positively need, and let go of the rest. The next few months are going to be a whirlwind but I'm embracing it. I'll probably even start making goals again once I have time to catch my breath! I'll be sure to keep you posted.

It's Been a Pleasure.

2011-10-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'll share a little story with you. A few years ago, I used to work for a company where my employer also asked me to babysit his kids a few times a week. It was totally no big deal and I enjoyed the change of scenery very much. I think I was their sitter for somewhere around 4 or 5 years.
When I first started watching the kids, it wasn't my cup of tea. Not that I minded children. I mean, I've been an aunt for 17 years. But it was boring. And while I looooove my nieces and nephews, other people's kids can be pretty annoying. Especially bratty ones who's parents give them whatever they want. So what started out as a refreshing detour from the daily grind became an annoyance that I didn't much look forward to. I'd give the kids stuff to do to keep them busy, I'd plop them down in front of the TV... pretty much whatever would get them out of my hair.
One day, and I don't remember what caused it, I just stopped. I decided that I was going to start enjoying my job. I thought of activities that would be fun for the kids. I took them places in their parents (SWEET) car. We played games and watched cartoons. And suddenly, it wasn't work anymore. I wasn't going to their house to babysit, I was going to their house to hang out. And it changed everything. I started to enjoy my time with these kids, and they started to really gain an affinity for me as well. We were just a bunch of kids, having fun and playing. And I loved it, and miss those times to this day.

But isn't that SO how life is? We go to our jobs, sit in our relationships, deal with our parents or roommates... and just look at it like work. Ugh, I HAAAAVE to do this thing. And it's like... that's not a life, man. You're going to live a long time (hopefully) and there are going to be a lot of things that can be seen as "work." So the way I see it, you can either bum out on it and take it seriously and wait for the fun to start. OR you can make the work fun. Relax. Don't take it all so seriously. Play games, eat chocolate for breakfast (not all the time, of course!), go play in the rain. You can always hop in a warm shower and eat whole grains later. Life isn't so serious, after all. It's just a matter of how you look at it.
I think that, for me, I spend a lot of my time looking through these "self-help" blogs and trying to perfect myself. I want to hone in on who and what I should be, and that's really great. It is. But it's important that I also take the time to enjoy who I am. My failures are, on most occasions, sort of amusing. My flaws make me unique. I keep asking people how to help me FIX me, rather than just developing myself into a person that I can enjoy and love. Flaws and all. And maybe that's been my biggest problem all along: I'm a fixer. I'm a doer. I'm an evolutionist. Evolve, grow, develop- yes. But most importantly: Enjoy. Enjoy my life, my friends, my cat... just enjoy it all. When it's all put in perspective, enjoyment may well be life's biggest lesson.

(Ps I know you've seen this picture already. I just love it that much.)

The Calm.

2011-10-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

My life doesn't have to be, will not be, positively refuses to be PERFECT.

But that does not mean that I can't carve out a little place for myself

In the midst of the imperfection

To somehow be The Great Calm in the eye of the storm.

-Me.

Anything you want, you got it.

2011-09-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

Due to recent events in my life, I have decided to downgrade it. To simplify it. I wont get into what events because, quite frankly, they're irrelevant. The fact remains that my life has been on a particular path. One in which things have become complicated and overcrowded.
My mind is like my home. And one day, I decide to have a party at my house. Good idea, right? Totally. So I start sending invitations out to this person or that person. I worry that so-and-so will be offended if I invite his best friend but not him, so I invite him. I kind of start to lose control of who is coming. And it sort of becomes an open-invitation party. So they all show up, and lots of them are people I don't even know in the first place, but I don't want to turn them away so I open the door. And before I know it, my house is a mess. People are throwing party cups on my carpet floors. I've got some douche smoking a cigarette in my living room. It's gone completely out of my control. Damn.

The only thing to do is to clear everyone out. And that's what I'm sort of doing. Clearing out the party so that I can straighten everything up, spray some Febreeze, and just bask in some peace and quiet. It's not to mean I can't have parties anymore, only that I need to be a bit more particular as to who I invite. And just invite those people who respect my house.

I was watching the movie Eat Pray Love recently and saw the scene where they're discussing what their "word" would be. I asked myself what mine was and I was surprised how quickly it came to me. Evolve. My life is about evolution in and of myself. I really think I came into this world a VERY blank slate and it took me a long time to realize just how influential I am as a person. I am the least stubborn person I know (although I know people who would disagree), and I can adapt to nearly anything without too much of a struggle. These are things about myself that I fought against for YEARS because I thought they were character flaws. It has only been recently that I'm seeing what incredible gifts they really are. I'm learning more and more that my adaptability has been my greatest asset. I mean, if I stuck by who I was when I was 19 and refused to change, I would probably have A) A great deal more tattoos and B) made a LOT more mistakes. Letting go of yesterday (see: evolution) can be our best chance of survival. And I know that I have that power in me- I just need to harness it and hone in on the portion where I let go of the things that aren't working in my life.

I have a quote taped to my computer at work that says: Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense (Ralph Waldo Emerson). I'd like to think that could be my evolutionary credo. Change. Let go of what was and embrace what is. I like that.

So what's next on my path to evolution? I'd like to think quite a bit. I spent the early parts of this year making goals and proving to myself that I am capable of accomplishment. And I did that on my own, which was a first for me. These are things I'd like to continue, of course. But I also spent a lot of time this year, looking almost too far forward. I think I had a lot of aspirations, and that's absolutely fantastic. But some days (and I've heard this from other people) I would write these blogs that were like, "who is she trying to convince?" You know? What was I trying to prove, and to whom? So I think that my aim, my aspiration, for this point in my life- is to figure out what I want to convince MYSELF of. I want to throw a lot of the party outside. Just for a bit. I promise not to recluse- because that's not healthy. But I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to decipher what things I like to do and then: doing them. Like, what I'm doing and what I'm saying needs to be because it's what I want to do and say, and not because I'm trying to convince anyone that, you know, "I'm fine," or "I'm exciting." I've had friendships in my past where I haven't felt them reciprocated and I'd like to clear them out to make room for the people who actually make me feel good. I hung out with my friend Kim recently and after I left realized that my cheeks actually hurt from laughing so hard. Do you know when the last time that happened was? I don't... maybe when I was like 15. And that's what friendships are supposed to be like. I want those friendships I had when I was 8, where they're carefree and simple. Where it's not hours upon hours spent talking about dramatic events but a lost track of time spent laughing at nothing.
Simplicity. That's what I want. And if there is one thing I've learned this past year, it's that I'm halfway decent at setting goals and completely nailing them.

A Valiant Effort.

2011-09-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

As a foreword: I am actually going to write something today. Not just quote someone else! But the quote IS relevant so read on.

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, in the end knows the triumph in high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those of cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. -Theodore Roosevelt.

Wow. What an incredible quote, if you ask me. I guess it's encouraging when you can realize that even when you may be hurting, even when you may be failing, it's only because you actually tried something. You cannot have failure without having put out some effort, right? And while failures aren't very much fun while you're in the midst of them, it's empowering to know what it was that brought you there. It was a sense of belief that you could do it. It was a conscious effort on your part to make something that is into something that could be. I'd like to think that's what life is about: the drive and the strive to hope for what you believe to be possible. It's like another quote I've been repeating to myself for a few weeks now: At the end of your life, you're far more likely to regret the things you didn't do over the things you did.

Sunsets.

2011-09-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of originality lately, but here is something that struck a chord with me today. My brain is still taking a vacation from blogging.

People are just as wonderful as sunsets if I can let them be...When I look at a sunset, I don't find myself saying, "Soften the Orange on the right hand corner." I don't try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.

-Carl Rogers

Less.

2011-09-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

Less is more. Say less, listen more.

Own less things, and you'll experience more freedom.

Stories.

2011-09-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

Stories, like people and butterflies and songbird's eggs and human hearts and dreams, are also fragile things, made up of nothing stronger or more lasting than twenty-six letters and a handful of punctuation marks. Or they are words on the air, composed of sounds and ideas- abstract, invisible, gone once they are spoken- and what could be more frail than that? But some stories, small simple ones about setting out on adventures or people doing wonders, tales of miracles and monsters, have outlasted all the people who told them, and some of them have outlasted the lands in which they were created.

-Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things.

Summer...

2011-09-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

It's almost over.

Do something about it today.

Summer feelings from sebastien montaz-rosset on Vimeo.

Happy Life.

2011-09-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

I read a blog today that talked about how to "Live a Happy Life." I actually haven't finished the entry just yet because I stopped in the middle of it to follow this exercise and was so amused when I did.
It asked us to think about what we enjoyed doing as a child. Our gifts, most likely, hadn't changed. And the blog entry suggested that we ought to consider what made us happy once upon a time in order to decipher what would make us happy now. So I started to make a list of the top 5 things that I used to do as a kid that made me the most happy. When I finished, I laughed out loud at myself. Here is my list:

1. Write Stories

2. Play Outside (ride bikes, tennis, etc.)

3. Play with animals

4. Listen to my sister's radio and my brother's CDs. I also loved to make mixed tapes.

5. Play pretend- be it with Barbies, my play kitchen, or a game we used to play wherein we would make up our dream life.

How funny is it that all of the things I loved as a kid are currently my favorite things to do? Writing, getting outside. Playing with animals?? Mixing CDs for my friends and downloading new music? Even the play pretend is funny since one of my favorite things to do is daydream about how I want to spend the upcoming days of my life. I plan vacations. I imagine my future home when I have money to decorate it. Teaching myself how to cook... it's all who I am today.

I guess I'm on track after all.

Maybe you could try it now: what made you happy as a kid? Are you still on track?

Ego-Logical

2011-09-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those weeks. After months of unfocused thoughts and carefree (and often forgetful) actions, this has been one of those weeks of reflection. And as the days have continued passing forward, I have grown increasingly introspective and peaceful... probably more peaceful than I've felt in a really, really long time. I think that sometimes I can get into this mode where I need to be surrounded by other people, mainly to distract myself from my own mind. I don't trust myself, and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. "What will people think if I do this?" or "Am I giving the right impression?" become my main motivation for about 90% of the things that I do. My conversations aren't sincere and I'm just quite frankly not being myself. Maybe because I'm scared to. Maybe because I have a history of not being very self-confident. But this week has been different.
For the first time in possibly years, I feel like I'm resting. Like my life is going exactly the way it will go, and that I can allow that to happen. I'm accepting any discomfort in my personal life with open arms and welcoming them as opportunities to grow. I'm not rushing to BE anybody to anyone. Not to anyone but myself. For the first time in years, honestly, I really really am okay with me. I think that I've been doing a lot better at that since early this year when I started trying to be more goal-oriented and optimistic. But there were still a lot of really hard days in there, and I still fought some demons. I still felt uneasy and I couldn't figure out why. But now I think I'm starting to get it... I wasn't being ME. I start acting the way I want people to perceive me and a lot of times that means behaving in ways that are sort of alien to what I'm really comfortable with. It's not natural for me and while I appear to be fine with it, I'm battling against it inside. Any behaviors including me being stubborn, or closed minded, or definitive... that's not who I am. Who I am is ever changing. Who I am is malleable, and peace-loving. Who I am is someone who knows when I'm acting in a way different to my nature, but occasionally tries to do what I think "better" people will do because I don't trust myself. And you know... I'm learning that trusting myself isn't the worst thing. I'm learning that my instincts are pretty good ones to trust in.
I think that a lot of the time, people lose faith in themselves. Mostly out of insecurity, of course. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that when it HAPPENS, we have a tendency to feel guilty or "unnatural" about it. We try to be someone who we're not, in order to please an audience who is just as imperfect as we are. And this, my darlings, is where the real stuff happens. Because now we are battling against ourselves, and we can't escape that. We can't escape our own mind or our own conscience no matter where we try to hide. When we try to behave in ways against our nature, we are telling our ego that it is wrong, and our ego can be a real pouty bitch if it wants to. I've always felt that our egos are so sensitive because we all work REALLY hard and for our entire lives to become the type of person that we think is "the best." So when someone (or worse yet, we ourselves) tell our ego that all that work is crap... well, our ego is going to get really upset and battle against those kind of thoughts. And no one can make you feel as bad as you can make yourself feel if you really put your mind to it.
I don't even know if I'm making any sense anymore to anyone except myself here. Ha. What I can say is that self-acceptance is a beautiful thing. Accepting that you're imperfect, accepting that you're a work in progress. Accepting that if you're in a room alone, you've got everyone you need- and that everyone else is a really wonderful added bonus. I don't need anyone to assure me that I don't suck. I don't need any more pairs of pretty shoes to feel worthwhile. Those things are great, and I'm not saying they hurt. But I don't NEED them. Ultimately what I'm saying is, everything will be okay. It will always be okay. You just have to trust in yourself and believe that life is meant to be a positive experience for you. Just don't go effing it up by trying to convince yourself otherwise.

Absence makes the blog grow fonder?

2011-09-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

Hi darlings! Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. And not that this is a promise to post today... life is busy and I have been trying to focus my attention on other things right now. I guess you could say that my goals for September are to be living my life rather than spending hours a day blogging about it. I will be back soon, I promise. I love you all.

Lately.

2011-09-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

How cool is this chandelier?? I have no clue where it's from, but I found it online a few days ago. In other news, I started school last night. Pretty excited about that. I suspect that I wont have much time for blogging the next little bit mainly because I will be focusing on my writing projects. But I would like to go over September Goals, which I think I will do tomorrow.
August Goals went alright. Not great, but that's okay. I haven't made an appointment with my counselor but I DID completely block myself from spending any money on my credit cards. I also did not finish the Superhero book I was reading because it got REALLY boring about a quarter of the way through it's 450 pages. But I did start and finish reading Stealing Faces, a thriller that Amazon recommended to me. It was good. I'm going to see how it goes the next few weeks with school and if it's looking like I have enough time to dedicate to it I would like to start reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Great success at spending some more "girl friend" time this month. A handful of my closest girlfriends and I have been doing a weekly girls night at my house, which has been really fun! We usually watch a movie and make something good for dinner and it's been a great way to get together and just hang out. I'm a complete homebody so going out to clubs or bars hasn't been my thing, whereas eating dinner at home and chatting about what is going on in each other's lives has been really cool.
Sorry if this post isn't very exciting today. I've been running around at work and at home and haven't had time for much of anything else. Laundry is piling up and I desperately need to get outside and walk Nora more often but there hasn't been much free time for that stuff. Not that I'm complaining, but it's always nice to have spare time. Oh well... another lifetime!!

Welcome to your week.

2011-08-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

"There is nothing else than now. There is neither yesterday, certainly, nor is there tomorrow. How old must you be before you know that? There is only now, and if now is only two days, then two days will be your life and everything in it will be in proportion. This is how you live a life in two days. And if you stop complaining and asking for what you never will get, you will have a good life. A good life is not measured by any biblical span."
-Ernest Hemingway.

The Story of the Fisherman.

2011-08-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

I have been frequenting a blog (http://aurajoon.blogspot.com) by a pretty amazing woman in Oklahoma. She wrote about an adventure that she and her husband went on wherein they heard the following story... thought I would share and see if you take it as much to heart as I do:

An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of the fish.

"How long it took you to catch them" The American asked.

"Only a little while." The Mexican replied.

"Why don't you stay out longer and catch more fish" The American then asked.

"I have enough to support m family's immediate needs." The Mexican said.

"But," The American then asked, "What do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play my guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you could buy a bigger boat. And with the proceeds from he bigger boat you could buy several boats,eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats."

"Instead of selling your catch to the middle man you would sell it directly to the consumers, eventually opening our own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then eventually to NYC where you would run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said slowly, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evening were you would sip wine and play guitar with your amigos...."

What an incredible and humbling reminder.We are each so lucky to have this life... the time we are allotted- the people we love. To spend it looking for tomorrow rather than appreciating today would be an awful waste of what beauty already lies before us. And how often it is that what we are seeking has been right in front of us all along.

August Ending.

2011-08-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

I am very much looking forward to overcast skies & rainstorms, big cozy sweaters, fires in the fireplace, hot cocoa, and orange leaves. August is nearly over and although I think it'll be a while until California cools down for the year, I'm anxious for it to start!

Verbs the Word.

2011-08-22T15:23:00.001-07:00

Dream House.

2011-08-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me really well, you're well aware that my dream house is a tree house. I can't wait until I have a house of my own with a big tree in the yard so that I can build my own dream tree house. In the mean time, though, I am obsessing over this amazing one I just stumbled on. You can find the full story about it here:
http://theletteredcottage.net/camp-treehouse

A Bit Deep For a Wednesday.

2011-08-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

I once learned in a college Philosophy class that nothing is real. That everything that surrounds us is merely our interpretation of it.

"This desk," my Professor said, "does not exist."

He placed his hand on the desk.

"It exists because the nerve endings in our fingers tell our brain that they can feel a hard surface. So we know it is solid. Our optical receptors in our eyes tell our brains that it is brown, so we know it's color. It exists because our senses communicate to our brains that is it so, and for that we do not doubt that it is so."

Our world exists because our bodies communicate to our comprehensive brains that it exists as we see, feel, smell, hear, and taste it to be. And from a philosophical perspective, does this not also mean that as much as everything around us exists, it's quite possible that none of it does? Or perhaps what one person sees or hears or smells is not what another senses in that same scenario?

And so when people discuss feelings, I can't help but find their attempts at rationalizing "feelings" to be somewhat amusing. They want proof. They want evidence. But is not your evidence less real than my feeling? Your proof is merely the compilation of your senses telling you that something is legitimate. Facts can only explain the "How" of the world. But not the "why."

Faith, Love, Intuition. These are all things that exist without our rational senses telling us that they are Real. None of them can be explained with scientific evidence. None of them can be displayed in a lab using complex formulas. They can't be forced, they can't be created without a personal will to possess them. But are they any less real? Because our hands can't hold love and tell us that it is there? Our eyes can't see God and tell our brains that faith is practical. We can't hear intuition except in the silence of our inner minds. Not a one of those things is communicated to our brains by sensory perception. And maybe that is why they resonate in our minds when we discover them within ourselves. The way the blind can sometimes have magnified hearing to compensate for the loss of that sense... when we FEEL in our minds, it's amplified because of the non-use of our other senses to discover it.

So don't tell me that my faith is false. Don't tell me my love is misled or that my intuition is unfounded. Because they are just as realistic of an idea as the desk you sit at to read this entry.

Be Gentle.

2011-08-11T15:02:00.001-07:00

Early this week I made a commitment. I decided to start being more kind to myself, more gentle and more forgiving. I think we insist on pushing ourselves too hard. Perfecting ourselves so consistently that we forget to be forgiving with our imperfections. And it often seems that when we push things too hard to go one way, they tend to go the opposite way in almost an act of defiance.
I'm starting with my attitude towards the people around me. I want to start looking at my world around me through more forgiving lenses. Stop judging. Get back my sense of patience with things that I might not fully understand. Listen more, speak less.
I also want to be more gentle with my body. I've been eating like crap lately. Lots of pizzas, chips, and junk food. It's awful. My body needs to be better taken care of. I've also been going crazy with my face, scrubbing with unforgiving cleansers and masks. And I need to remember that my skin is a very sensitive canvass, and needs to be taken care of gently. I hope to be less abrasive, in ALL areas of my life.

New For You.

2011-08-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

Hey kittens! I added a few things to the sidebar on my blog. So now you can follow me via email as well as check out all the stuff that inspires me on a daily basis. Enjoy!!

Wishing.

2011-08-08T12:02:00.001-07:00

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan."

-Eleanor Roosevelt.

Happy Things.

2011-08-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

1. Shirt from Piperlime, 2. Earrings from Wet Seal, 3. Watch from Piperlime, 4. Fire Bar from Whole Foods.

This is pretty much my afternoon's agenda.

Some Changes...

2011-08-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

...are a brewin', I can feel it in my bones. And once I get that old familiar feeling, whatever follows is inevitable.

Change is a good old friend that I'm looking forward to seeing again.

August Goals.

2011-08-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

Alright, so we are into August 2011 already. I can hardly believe it myself. Last month I kept my goals pretty low key... I was feeling overwhelmed and in need of some R&R. But I have to admit that after having the first half of the year working towards something bigger, July felt kind of lazy to me! I enjoyed not having anything to work on but I miss feeling the purpose I have felt when I've had something to do. As such, I am now recharged (wasn't that the point of relaxing this month?) and ready to tackle some new goals. Now presenting:
1. Meet with an academic counselor. I am taking at least one class at OCC this semester (just for fun) and the more I'm thinking about it the more I feel like going back seriously in the Spring would probably be one of the best things I can do for my future. My biggest regret when I went to school as a person in my late teens was that I never met with a counselor and I think I wasted a LOT of time taking classes that weren't necessary. I'd like to pursue a degree in Human Resources, Business, or Marketing. Or some combination of those. I think it might be a good idea if I just go in and talk to a counselor to see what steps I need to be taking to do that.
2. STOP spending money on at least one of my credit cards. As in: entirely. If I want to go back to school and there's a chance I'd need to take out student loans I'm going to need my debt to go way, way down.
3. Finish my current book I'm working on, and hopefully another 2 books during the month of August. Before I start school and don't get to pick what I read!
4. Survive my budget this month. I have to pay for my tuition at OCC as soon as I get admitted (I'm 3rd in line on the wait list) and also purchase another big item which I can't reveal since it's a surprise to a person who I think reads my blog. I will have money again in September, but I always get a little forlorn when I'm broke. I like having fun-spending money. Or, you know, groceries and stuff.
5. Enjoy more time with my friends. I spend a LOT of time with Tony and that's not terrible. But I think it is important that I cultivate my friendships with my female friends as well. Sayum, Lori, Katie, and Jessica deserve more of my time. I'd really like to focus on being a better friend to them as well as listening to them rather than overly talking about what's going on in just my life. Sayum and I have already started Manicure Mondays, which has been awesome so far. Manicures, Facials, a movie and dinner at one of our houses. It's pretty fancy pants.

I think this month has a pretty nice array of topics for goals. All are totally doable and not exactly rocket science. Go, Go, Project August!!

**I came back to write an additional August Goal: WATER. I don't drink enough of it at all. So I guess that's #6!!

Birthday Camping Trip.

2011-07-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

So Tony and I went to Sequoia National Park last weekend for some much-needed away time (he's started a new job and it was my birthday weekend trip!) Here are some fun pictures from our camping trip. The 4th one down is in front of The General Sherman- the biggest tree on Earth. It was such a great time and it was kind of fun for me to get to see his camping skills in action. Fun fact about Tony: He is the ultimate outdoors man. He has lived in Alaska AND Wyoming working in national parks. Last year he went on a trip across America visiting somewhere around 13 National Parks all by himself in an attempt to get to every one in North America, but the trip was cut short due to a family emergency. I'm hoping that he will get to finish that journey in the coming future.

He is pretty manly, and I dig it.

Ten.

2011-07-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I am turning 28 tomorrow. Yikes. It's been ten years since I turned 18, which to me is just crazy since it seems like only yesterday. I had gone to my parents house last night to visit and I happened on my Prom dress from 2001. Not even realizing that it marks the dress' 10-year-reunion(ish), I tried it on. I was pleasantly surprised that it still fit, if even being a little too large for me. I blame it solely on the fact that my senior year of high school was a time when I had stopped swimming but still had the appetite of a swimmer. A funny thing that people don't tell you about getting older is that your body wont necessarily get bigger or smaller, but that it simply changes shapes. I don't have any kids, so that probably makes a difference as well. But I have to admit, I still love this dress.

I also feel like my head has gotten longer. Just sayin'.

So to celebrate my ten-years-since-high-school, I want to tell you 10 things that I have learned in the past decade.

1. You, and you alone, are responsible for your own happiness. Seriously.

2. Don't be afraid of a little confrontation. It's good for you.

3. There are plenty of things to worry about in your life. And the majority of those things are things that you can't even fathom before they happen. So stop worrying about the things that you think will matter in the future... they pale in comparison to the things that really will.

4. Take care of your body. The way you feel will reflect in your actions and moods. Eat healthy, get outside, and laugh as often as possible (it's good for your soul!)

5. Stop trying to be who you think other people want you to be. Not only does it never work to please others, but it's SO obvious when you're trying to be someone you're not.

6. Make mistakes. Enjoy them. Learn from them. And then try not to dwell on them again. You're supposed to live by trial and error. The things you think you've done that seem embarrassing are the same things that pretty much everybody else has done. Life is all about moving forward and learning from what you left behind you.

7. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do the stuff you're dreaming about. It's easy to let a day pass you by, and then another day pass you by... be careful not to let too many of those days passed-by turn into a lifetime passed-by.

8. Don't be afraid of your potential. Or your passion. It's much easier to regret the things you did than the things you were too scared to even try.

9. Don't get too caught up in the "party scene" if you can help it. I know your parents are telling you that drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes are bad. They're not just saying it because it sounds good. They lived through the 60's, they know what they are talking about. Anyone they/I know who messed with that stuff too much looks and acts like a complete loser later in life.

10. Love someone. Love something. Love someplace. Love everything. You'll never look back on your life and regret that you filled yours and other people's lives with a little love. Too many people fill their lives with hate or discontent. And for what?? It's been my experience that the people who don't fill the world with a little more love are generally too scared to do it for one reason or another. Don't be afraid to show a little love to your world around you.

A Fool For School.

2011-07-15T12:37:00.000-07:00

Well, it's almost time for school. That's right, I'm going back. Now before anyone thinks that I am being noble or trying to actually further myself (wouldn't want to give that impression!), please note that I am not going back for a degree. Why, you ask, would anyone do this? Well...
Quite frankly I'm bored. And I was thinking of all the opportunity I'm wasting by not learning anything new lately. I had given some thought to going back to school while I was planning my trip to Europe, and I couldn't think of a legitimate reason not to go back. And who knows, maybe I will take a few classes and realize that I should be taking something relevant. But for now I am taking classes that interest me. I think the thing I always disliked about school was that I had this set list of classes to take in order to "make something" of my education. But according to whom? I never want to be something to meet any one's standards but my own. So this semester I wanted to take classes that I felt would pursue interests of mine and hopefully improve my standard of living in a few ways. Namely- creative writing and nutritional classes. Two of my great passions. Words cannot express how excited I am to get started. I'm sure the writing class in particular will be tough, but I'm looking forward to the challenge. And like I said- who knows where this starting point will take me? Maybe next I will decide to get another degree...?

Summer Tunes.

2011-07-13T15:48:00.001-07:00

Here's a little something to tap your toes to.

A few fun things.

2011-07-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with everything about this engagement picture above. The suspenders, the blanket... and her ring (you cant see it very well here) is turquoise and diamonds. Stunning. The picture above it is a part of the shoot as well. Don't worry, I don't have wedding fever, it's just a lovely image.

No Superman.

2011-07-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend (or was it last week? I don't remember) I had a discussion about human frailty. And for whatever reason, it crossed my mind again this morning while I was on my way to work. This is usually when I come up with stuff to blog about, by the way. While I'm on my way to work. So when I post something at nearly 3pm (like today) it means that I have had it on my mind all day and been bursting to write it down but haven't had time.

Anyways I was discussing with someone about what happens when people don't show their frailties to one another. As a matter of fact this is something that pops into my mind quite often. Mainly because there are SO many different types of people in this world. And it always fascinates me to see people who hold up a strong front to the rest of us. I, for one, am not one of those people. I sincerely feel that the "me" I present to the world is one of such a thin layer of protection that it would take very little to poke a hole for the world to see who I am. I am very, very flawed. For one, I am NOTORIOUS for not thinking before I speak and it gets me in a lot of trouble. I think because there is not much I would be willing to tell only a select few and hide from the rest. And since I have nothing to hide, I simply choose not to censor myself.

But there are lots of people who hold back. People who refuse to let the world see that they are fragile. They care about things, they have ideas, they feel strongly about their world and people around them- and yet they hold it all in. They hold it so tightly that we can almost see it on their faces... what are you hiding?? And I guess there must be a certain respectability to that type of self-control. I wouldn't know how difficult it must be to keep it up. But it also runs a great risk that no one will ever know you. And maybe that is the goal, but I can't imagine a life of not being known. I am one of those people who, if I feel a certain way about something, I announce it. Because I would hate to have a piano drop on my head tomorrow and people not know who I was and what I stood for. And honestly, I think a certain level of respect ought to come along with admission of frailty. Because it takes a lot of trust to tell someone, "I care greatly about this. This is my weak spot. This is what can break me," and then trust them not to betray it.

Take for example the frailty of crying. I hate crying. I don't like people who cry often and for no reason. And I have prided myself on not being a person like that. Until maybe the past year or so. And suddenly I am a person who watches sad movies and cries. Oh, and of course I hide my face and I pretend I'm wiping sleep out of my eyes... but I'm not fooling anybody. I'm still working on embarrassment level control here, but all in all I'm not ashamed of it. It's perfectly okay to be someone who shows emotion, and sometimes I have to remind even myself of this.

The funny thing to me is that when you logically look at this type of behavior it seems a bit silly. Why do you now want people to know you're upset or hurting about something? What, because they will know you have feelings? Because you think they will hurt them further?? Guess what, I doubt anybody would be shocked to discover that when something sad happens- you cry. Big shocker of the year: you have emotions! I think so long as they are relatively rational (see: not crying over a spilled glass of Cafe au Lait), you're pretty much in the clear. I don't think you're going down in any one's history books as The Crier, you're in the clear.

But I also think that withholding frailty can actually hurt your relations with people. I believe that a bond is made where people take risks. A bond between friends where one says to the other, "If you do this, it will hurt me. I'm handing you my Kryptonite." And when that goes unused, the friendship takes a turn into the territory of, "And now I KNOW that I can trust you." And from there, bonds ensue. I have a number of people in my life who I know, but I don't really KNOW. And that is because I have never held on to their Kryptonite for safe keeping. I've never been given the opportunity to prove who I can be as their friend. And you know, I get that. I get people being afraid. I'm sure I am afraid of stuff all the time. I still take risks on people and perhaps that is some unyielding faith I have in the goodness of humanity or something equally cheesy sounding. But that's the type of person that I am. And let me tell you, I've been hurt. I've been ground right down into the concrete when I've taken risks. But I will also say that I have reaped some of the greatest rewards of friendship I could have imagined. So that's my take on the whole thing. Only those who take great risks can really appreciate great rewards.

Sayum.

2011-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

This is my friend Sayum. She used to live with me. Let me tell you why she's so great.

Sayum was supposed to move into a house with myself and a few other girls back in 2007 or so, and she had found us on Craigslist to rent the room there. When she came by to look at the place we all instantly fell in like with her and wanted her to be our new roommate. The only problem was that we had all planned to move out of that house and look for a new one together. So we called Sayum and told her, "Look: we are moving. And we would like it if you came with us and we looked for a 4 bedroom rather than a 3 bedroom." And that day she voided out the check she had written for her deposit and we found the house that I currently call home. I remember when she first moved in that we weren't particularly close friends, mainly due to the fact that I was never home. But in the nearly 3 years that we shared a house, I'd like to think that she and I have become much closer friends. And it makes me happy.

The first thing that I noticed about her was her loyalty. When I get mad about something or someone, I have a tendency to want to vent about it. I freely admit that to any of my friends... "If I'm mad at you, I'm going to discuss it until I feel resolved." Sayum has always allowed me to vent to her, but she NEVER joins in. And I respect that about her. I know that she is a very, very loyal friend at all times. I think that Sayum's friends are very important to her, more so than with most other people. I see her as the type of friend who, if you called her at 3am stuck somewhere, would throw on some slippers and drive to get you. And she wouldn't ever hold it over your head as any kind of "You owe me one!"

Another thing that I've always admired about Sayum (and quite frankly I think most people notice it too) is how effortlessly stylish she is at all times. Her room at my house, and the handful of places she has lived since, have all been immaculate and adorable. Her outfits- always put together. I don't think you could even attempt to catch her looking anything but super cute. She has a slew of tattoos that are my favorite I've seen, so well done that people have copied them! Normally I would be jealous of someone like her and how easy she makes it all look except that I'm lucky enough to be her friend and can just ask her for tips on how she does it!

I have never once been in a fight with Sayum. I don't think it's her style. And not that she's any kind of push over, just that Sayum is logical. She isn't going to act in a way that will be rude, or selfish, or nonsensical. She's very, very smart and she has always been one of those people who is mature for her age in so many ways. She knows what is important to her and she never pauses to doubt it.

Sayum and her boyfriend Grant just got engaged a few weeks ago and it makes me so happy. He is another one of my absolute most favorite people in the world and they could not be more of a perfect couple. I am beyond excited to see the life that they create with one another because I know how amazing it is going to be. I consider myself very, very lucky to be counted among their friends!!

July Goals and some eye candy.

2011-07-07T11:40:00.002-07:00

Some things I am loving from Urban Outfitters this week.

...Pretty much anything with birds, maps, or Navajo/Geo Print. I am in the process of decorating my room in light colors like white and sea glass-blue, but I'm really into the whole Navajo print that is coming into style. Decisions, decisions.

I keep procrastinating doing my "July 2011 Goals," so I think I'm going to just do the abridged version.

1. Go to the beach!!

2. Get out to L.A. to eat at Eveleigh. It's my new obsession since I saw it on the OhJoy! blog.

3. Go to the Sequoia's for my birthday trip!!

4. Pay down my credit card debt (and try not to rack up any MORE of it!)

5. Relax and enjoy living at the beach in the summer time. This means lots of refreshing summer meals, walks with the boy and my pup, and lounging around with nothing in particular to do!!

Saving Face.

2011-07-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

Ever since I can remember, I've been a product junkie. I don't think that I am any kind of guru or anything like that... mainly just a person who has always had an interest in what new cosmetic stuff is out there. I spend a good deal of my time, money, and energy on investigating what works (for me) and what doesn't. I read blogs, I spend HOURS at Sephora and Ulta, and I watch Youtube videos on beauty products. I'm not claiming that I have perfect or even great skin. But I think that I'm making the most out of what my genetics gave me. Anyways- here are some of my staples of stuff that I like. Stuff that feels good on my face, and stuff that I recommend based on over 15 years of reading magazines about what I should be doing to and for my skin.

I have been using Neutrogena since I was probably 14 years old. Maybe younger. I used to use Neutrogena's Deep Clean Gel Wash, but now that I'm getting older and my skin is maturing a little bit I'm using this instead. It's a nice cream scrub so it's hydrating but also heads off any pimples I might get. Yea, I know. What kind of 28 year-old gets pimples? This kind, apparently. I also really love that it is cooling and my face feels really fresh after I wash it.

Another favorite since forever. I love that it's really gritty so it makes me feel like I'm getting a good scrub.

When I was younger I used to be really into spending my extra money on expensive beauty products. Nowadays I don't buy anything really pricey unless I'm pretty sure it's going to be worth it. And this is absolutely worth it. There are a few main ingredients that most magazines will tell you you should be looking for in face products: Vitamin C, Anti-Oxidants, Vitamin E, and Retinol. There might be more but those are the main ones I look for. This Face Peel gives you a nice polish but it also has Vitamin C which I LOVE. I swear my skin always looks brighter after I use this. I'm a huge advocate of most Philosophy products, actually. They've really got it going on in my opinion.

I normally don't get into Murad stuff. It's really expensive and I just haven't had that high of an opinion of the results when I've tried it. However- there is NO beating this face mask. Especially if you've got oily skin or acne. Seriously. I've had days when I've used this and within hours my face has completely cleared up. It's like magic.
The Body Shop just plain rules. They follow Community Trade, their stuff is all natural, and everything they sell is pretty much amazing. I have dreams about their Olive Body Butter. Their Vitamin C line is great and I'm a big fan of the face refreshing spray. It's perfect for a mid-day spritz and I tend to keep one in my car for those hot drives when I start to feel like my skin is getting stale. Bonus: it smells like oranges!

I just tried this for the first time since it was on sale and I have to admit I couldn't be happier. It feels great, it has those Anti-Oxidants that I'm supposed to be using, and it smells delicious. I actually use the night version but will most likely buy this daytime one with the SPF. Obviously we all know how important SPF is, right? Good.

I LOVE this. I like that it has Retinol. I like that it smells incredible (can you tell how into scent I am yet?). And I love the consistency of the cream in that it's not too thick but it doesn't evaporate as soon as I put it on. I usually concentrate on putting this on my forehead and under my eyes, where my genes predict I will show age the most. ROC rocks!

So there you have my list of favorite products. I hope it doesn't come off as arrogant for me to preach about what I use. I just know that I spend a lot of money on face stuff and I've always appreciated knowing what people feel hasn't been a waste of theirs!!

...Aint that the truth?

2011-07-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

InStyle.

2011-07-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

I want to be these pretty ladies when I grow up. Every single one of them has the most gorgeous style ever!!

I die!!

Post with July's goals coming soon!!

Brothers.

2011-06-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

Today's post goes out to a couple of guys who have changed my family's life since coming into it. Blaine and Dave. I know, it's sort of a random thing to talk about my sister's husbands... but sometimes I think they become the unsung heroes of the family and I think it's about time to mention it.

The women in my family are amazing, wonderful women. But lets face facts, we are women. As such, we are not easy to deal with all of the time. And if you are a woman reading this, and you think that you're easy to deal with all the time... well... you're not. Sorry.

I have been obscenely blessed in my life to not only have amazing brothers and sisters, but to have those people marry equally amazing spouses. And because this post is about the guys (though I ought to do one about Kim and Rita too!) I want to talk about Dave and Blaine specifically.

Jill is my sister closest to me... the one I remember every single detail of growing up with her. I remember the first time I saw Dave like it was yesterday (how creepy does THAT sound?!). Jill and I were at church and she had been talking about how she had a crush on this guy, Dave. She whispered to me that if I looked over to my, like, 4 o'clock, or whatever- I would see him. Of course it had to be this big covert operation where we did the whole "Okay, don't look. Don't look... okay NOW look!" She had been gushing about how brilliant and wonderful and handsome he was. So of course I was so excited to see who she was talking about. They dated for a pretty short period of time (although not THAT short by LDS standards!) before he proposed to her on her birthday in August.

The thing I love the most about Dave is the fact that you will never meet a more genuine guy in your life. Dave isn't going to try to butter you up, or schmooze with people in order for them to think he's cool or smart. He's just going to be Dave. Who is, coincidentally, one of the coolest and smartest people I know. My other favorite thing about Dave is his relationship with my sister. I have never, in my entire life, seen two people more infatuated with one another. No, Dave isn't going around making puppy dog eyes at her or anything. But you meet these people and you know, within seconds, that you are standing in the presence of 100% real altruistic love. These two would do anything for each other and you can read it on their faces like the words in one of Dave's books. Although I don't know how great of an analogy that is since lots of times I read Dave's stuff and think to myself, "I have NO idea what is going on in this book." Haha, but that's just Dave being brilliant and me being an A.D.D. reader. Dave also has this sense of humor that honestly makes you feel like the luckiest person alive if you get to hear him speak. He's not yelling jokes from the rooftops, or doing slapstick comedy so that he's the center of attention. He's that guy who will be completely silent for like an hour, and then drop some comment on you that makes you laugh hysterically and think, "That's the funniest thing I've heard in the past 6 months!" Dave is a devoted Father and Husband, roles that you can tell his parents instilled in him as the most important ones he would take on in his entire life. I can't imagine my family without him. And the things I see in him as a partner to my sister are qualities that I aspire to find in a man I will some day marry.

Blaine and Charity have been married for well over a decade, which by today's standards is nothing short of a miracle. But somehow they make it look like the easiest thing on Earth. Like anyone who meets him, I just don't have enough good things to say about Blaine. I call him when I want advice. He is so much more to me than just my brother-in-law and has become almost a mentor as well as a close friend. He's realistic, and smart, and kind. He never judges anyone for any reason and could seriously tell someone the absolute worst thing about themselves in a way that would make them feel like they had just won a ticket to Costa Rica. He has the ability to just make people LIKE him. I can't imagine anybody knowing him and thinking, "Man, that guy sucks." Like, the thought of that alone makes me kind of laugh right now.

Blaine, like Dave, has this unfailing love for his wife. For HIS wife, Charity- not an unfailing romantic love for Jill... that would be creepy. Insert joke about Polygamy *here*. But seriously- Blaine loves his wife more than anything in the world. Charity and I have had a number of discussions about how amazing of a husband he is to her and how dedicated he is. I was talking to my boyfriend last week about their marriage and how many things they do together as a couple. We both agreed that it's pretty awesome that they have so many things in common such as their love of Snowboarding and going to live shows. You can tell that Blaine and Charity just enjoy one another. They are best friends, and I think that is really more of a rarity than people realize.

Blaine is an amazing Father to his 3 boys. And you can tell that in the young men those boys are growing into. These are not going to be boys who don't know how to treat their girlfriends and wives some day. They are going to be those guys in High School who are good at everything, smart, funny, and just plain cool. Sorta like Blaine.

I know that from day one, this has been a part of the Great Plan- to have these guys in my family. I admire them more than words can say, and if I am lucky I will one day be married to a man who can hold a candle to them. I love my family, and am beyond grateful for the people in it.

Messy Mess.

2011-06-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

I have a not-so-secret crush on messy top buns. Bri from Designlovefest.com does them better than anyone alive, she's the top two pics. I absolutely worship her style, and think you should totally check out her blog when you have a second. Here are a couple of other lovelies from the web. Aren't these great styles for hot summer days?

Passion.

2011-06-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

"The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last."

- Nicholas Sparks

This resonates with me today for some reason. I guess because I sometimes feel like the people who withhold emotion can be seen as stronger... somehow unbreakable. It just occurred to me just now that they may already be broken.

Common Ground.

2011-06-22T09:23:00.001-07:00

I hadn't posted anything except other people's stuff lately. I guess I just haven't had much to say. Not in that I am depressed, only quite the opposite. I think most of my "inspirational" posts tend to be gathered around times in my life when things have been more difficult somehow. Kind of like how I've always secretly felt like the world's best writers have always been alcoholics or madmen... I guess the less than stellar parts of our lives tend to inspire us towards writing it all down. I don't know.

Anyways, in the grand tradition of my divulging more information than I need to (I'm a pro at this), let me fill you in on something. Yesterday I got in an argument. Nothing major. Not in the least. Two people, with two different backgrounds and two different upbringings, will always think differently. I used to be terrified of arguing with people. Like, nailed to the floor covering my eyes petrified. The more I grow up the more I know that disagreements are one of the best things to happen to two people. It means several things. One: You are challenging one another... perhaps even pushing each other's limits and helping the other person grow in ways they might not have had you never entangled. Two: You're being honest. I know that if I get my way all the time, or if no one ever tells me they disagree with me- there is a good chance they are simply appeasing me. They're hiding their own desires and putting mine above it all. Which is a lovely thought in theory but I want to know that the people I surround myself with are strong people with original thoughts and ideas. I want to know that it is together that we work to make our lives rich- and not just by playing follow the leader.

I say this a lot, but disagreements are really just opportunities. Chances to see things in a different light. It is only through fighting FAIR that this is possible. And it is only through a process of swallowing your pride that resolution can be found. I remember the days of proving my point. The days of one person being "right" and the other, by default, being "wrong." And maybe I'm just getting tired, or lazy, or downright old. But those days are far behind me. I have zero interest (after the initial burst of irritability in an argument) in being right. I have no interest in being a sole survivor in the race against my own pride. I want, in any fight be it with friends or boyfriends or family, to be at peace. I don't feel peaceful in my corner alone. I don't even feel much satisfaction in being "right." I feel happiest when we can all find a common ground. When I can admit the parts of my behavior that might have been less than great and they can admit the parts of theirs. And we can laugh it off and move forward knowing that we have just had a successful disagreement. It's a nice feeling.

Stan, you're biggest fan.

2011-06-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Anthropologie,

If and when you start doing some charity work- I'd really appreciate these things being donated to the Megan Harvey Foundation for Adorable Living. Particularly the colander on top as I have been obsessing over it for months now. I guess I should just ante up and get it already.

Sincerely,

Meg.

Florence and the Machine.

2011-06-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

I saw her last night and it was amazing. I was disappointed she didn't play Heavy in Your Arms only because I love it so much but the band did perform The Drumming Song which is my favorite!!

Spotlight.

2011-06-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

"The universe doesn't care if you're scared. I know this is not news, but you need to hear this. I'm scared, you're scared, we're all scared. The difference is whether you're going to keep moving. I really hope you will."

- Merlin Mann.

Character.

2011-06-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

"The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out."
Thomas Babington Macaulay.

Beauty.

2011-06-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago. You don't look like any girl I've ever seen before.

I couldn't say: "Well she looks just like Jane Fonda except that she's got red hair and her mouth is different and of course she's a movie star."
I couldn't say that because you don't look like Jane Fonda at all.
I finally ended up describing you as a movie I saw when I was a child in Tacoma, Washington. I guess I saw it in 1941 or '42: somewhere in there. I think I was seven or eight or six. It was a movie about rural electrification and a perfect 1930's New Deal morality kind of movie to show kids.
The movie was about farmers living in the country without electricity. They had to use lanterns to see by at night, for sewing and reading, and they didn't have any appliances, like toasters or washing machines, and they couldn't listen to the radio.
Then they built a dam with big electric generators and they put poles across the countryside and strung wire over fields and pastures.
There was an incredible heroic dimension that came from the simple putting up of poles for the wires to travel along. They looked ancient and modern at the same time.
Then the movie showed Electricity like a young Greek god coming to the farmer to take away forever the dark ways of his life.
Suddenly, religiously, with the throwing of a switch the farmer had electric lights to see by when he milked his cows in the early black winter mornings.
The farmer's family got to listen to the radio and have a toaster and lots of bright lights to sew dresses and read newspapers by.
It was a really fantastic movie and excited me like listening to "The Star-Spangled Banner" or seeing photographs of President Roosevelt or hearing him on the radio.

"...The President of the United States..."

I wanted electricity to go everywhere in the world. I wanted all the farmers in the world to be able to listen to President Roosevelt on the radio.

That's how you look to me.

-Excerpt from Revenge of the Lawn, By: Richard Brautigan.