It seems to me that, so far, August has been kind of a crappy month. And perhaps it's just me not trying hard enough to make it better, but I feel like I've become sort of disillusioned as of late. People just seem to be continually letting me down, and I wont lie- it has really sucked. I used to get this feeling a LOT when I was younger. I remember having friends who flaked on me constantly and would really just make me feel like crap about myself. And even as I am typing this I am trying to remember what exactly I did about it. What changed that for me?? I think I just got new friends. And maybe it's time to re-evaluate my friendships again. Focus on "me," or whatever.
I'm reading the book Eat Pray Love, by the way. I very much needed it. I think this might be the best thing I could have done in August. It seems like every chapter (and they're short chapters so there's a LOT) really speaks to me. All of my frustrations, all of my insecurities, my doubts... they are all coming to a point by reading someone else's experiences with the same emotions. It really is turning into a book to use for my personal research project. I have promised to loan it to several people but I really don't think I will (sorry) because I don't want to chance not getting it back for whenever I might get in a bind like August has been. My only other book like this has been "He's Just Not That Into You." There are certain truths in both of these books that I will/do look back on for guidance.
The applicable one for today has been the author's Yogi telling her that she needs to basically stop feeling sad- lest it become a habit. How true is that?? I feel like whenever I get down in the dumps it feeds on itself until it's become almost my new "me," and that totally sucks! Another part of the book that has helped me was something along the lines of that we have two parts of us: the crazy part and the part that is calm, collected, and rational. I can CERTAINLY identify with that because I feel it 100%. Any time I have an issue in my life, there are always two voices in my head about it with two totally separate reactions. One voice says
"What the hell? That is NOT fair! I'm flustered and I feel helpless and overwhelmed and I want to just cry and yell about it."
The second voice, which has been the louder of the two the older I get, says something like,
"Well. That's life. And life isn't fair. Nor did it ever claim to be. Either let it go- or DO something about your problem. Now what are we doing tomorrow- lets plan something fun and forget about all this mess."
Sometimes it makes me feel a little bipolar, but I think it's not so much that as that I'm learning to tune myself into my own little voice of reason. I have always been a sensitive person, and very emotion-led. Now that I am getting older I think I have been sort of forced to drag myself out of that and toughen up. I can't dwell on everything and I cant control it all. And sometimes the honesty of it all hurts my feelings, but I think Id rather know honesty and be settled than to be left wondering and have a glimmer of "well maybe that person didn't MEAN to hurt your feelings. There's probably a good reason for it." I don't think that people ever really intend to hurt one another, but it happens. For instance when a friend completely flakes on you to hang out, the blunt version of what happened goes something like this: They flaked. For whatever reason- you were not important enough to them to follow through or even to advise of the plan change. It isn't that YOU aren't important, but that this person is ill-mannered. They aren't a BAD person. Just a rude one. And unless their immediate family is in the hospital and they rushed out and left their cell phone at home (which is unlikely), do you really care why they flaked? Do you really want to invest your time into rude people who hurt your feelings? Probably not. And sometimes it's as simple as that. Then you move on from your negative thoughts where you feel like you're the problem, and focus on doing something that does make you happy.
...like reading a good book.