Let It Fade.

Lately I have been finding myself, on occasion, behaving in a manner that I never thought I would. I've always been a person who let things roll off my back. As I may have mentioned on this blog, I've actually always found it quite difficult to remain angry or resentful... to the point where I've literally had to remind myself that I'm upset with somebody rather than calling them to see what they're up to that day.
I've had mixed reactions to this. Some people have been fully supportive. Others- not so much. Plenty of people in my life have encouraged me to embrace a general upset at the situations or beings in my life who "wrong" me. These people are generally the ones who adopt that kind of attitude in their own lives. Unforgiving, un-sympathetic people who have always just kind of lived their lives that way. You'll recognise the type when you bring up something that might not "be their favorite thing," and they respond with an attitude that you can literally feel draining the life force from your day. I don't think that people like this are necessarily to blame for this kind of attitude, because it's generally a learned thing. Maybe a parent, or a group of friends or even a romantic partner can be influential over someone's outlook. I should know... I've been on both sides of that fence.
photo credit: unknown

I've always tried to be optimistic, mainly because there's literally no point in pessimism. You consistently expect the worst, and so at no point during your life do you experience hope or faith in goodness. And for the past few months, I've felt that hand of resentment creeping into my life. Resentment toward old friends who haven't been quality people to me, resentment toward pretty much every guy I've ever dated, and resentment toward a particular group of people who I've taken pains to avoid over petty stupid crap that doesn't even matter in the grand scheme of things. The funny thing is that it doesn't even feel good to be mad at these people. Sometimes, I think people get this high from the drama of being angry at somebody. There's always that sense of importance when you have something (anything!) to discuss with friends, especially the drama of how you've been wronged. It's not pretty, but it's true and I honestly think anyone who denies that is a bunch of poppycock. But whenever I've vented about the people in my life who have been jerks, I don't ever-ever-ever feel better afterwards. As a matter of fact, I usually feel worse! And I think that to some extent, I have continued to vent about it to people in search of some kind of peace that just never comes. It's so ridiculous!
And I came to a kind of epiphany this morning. It was one of those ones where you've removed yourself from your own life and look at it with fresh new eyes and your jaw drops as you *guffaw* and say, "What the hell am I doing?" (By the way: I'm bringing the word *Guffaw* back. It's entirely too underused.)
Resentment is so wasted, and anger is literally a life-suck on every possible level. I once dated someone who insisted that I get angry more often (no joke) and discuss things in the heat of the moment rather than when I've mellowed. But that's never been my way. I want resolution, not a temporary relief. I want to be in charge of my emotions, and occasionally that means allowing them to wash over me until they've subsided and my rationale floods into their place. And it's okay to be angry, some times. But rather than painting over who you are in thick opaque red, let it be a wash of color that fades in the sun. There's not much point in spending your life wasted on that kind of negativity. When life is great- savor it. When life is bad- discard the pieces of it that make you unhappy. Don't dwell or stew or fume about it... just let it go and move on. You're better than that.



"Loneliness is a feeling, so I let the feeling be and let it do what it does. Sometimes it hangs around for a while and sometimes not. Trying to push it away or figure it out feeds it."
-Henri Junttila (Via A Well Traveled Woman)

photo credit: unknown

Kind of obsessed with this quote just now. Not even specifically about the loneliness aspect, but the whole idea of allowing your feelings about something to just "be" and sit with you awhile. It's quite a beautiful concept.


Go Figure.

photo credit: unknown

I found myself completely stressing out today- borderline panic attack. I get this feeling sometimes, like there's an assembly line of thoughts in my head and they're all going around and around, meanwhile exploding like little firecrackers that pepper everything with ash. I know that makes me sound crazy, but that's the best way I can explain it. I stress about what I'm doing today, what I'm doing in 3 hours, what I'm doing tomorrow and this weekend. How will I ever fit it all in in the time I have? I get anxious about how exhausted I will be afterwards and wonder if I should cancel out on anything in order to salvage what little sanity I have left.
But then I remember to breathe, deep slow breaths. At first the thoughts still linger in there, but after a few inhales and exhales, my mind becomes clearer and my shoulders less tense. "It will all get done. You don't have to have it all figured out right now."
I think back to when I was a kid, or even a teenager. Days spent listening to my sister's radio and running around barefoot wearing cutoff denim shorts. Man, I didn't have anything figured out... and I wasn't trying to. And I wonder how much of that peace and contentment that I had as a kid were the fact that I wasn't trying to figure stuff out. I wasn't worrying how to sneak more vegetables into my diet. I wasn't worried about acing the test I had in school nearly a week away. I didn't even care about making sure that I was drinking clean enough water... tap water was just fine. Things would figure themselves out in time.
Life has a way of working itself out. I honestly think the cure for most things is just time, and time alone. Clearly not in every case, but at least in the case of the day-to-day stressors. Most of my worries are me being overwhelmed and worried that I wont be able to do everything that I want to do on a day to day basis, let alone with my life. And oh, I know, I ought to have a plan. And I do have one, of course. But a big part of that plan is to not have everything figured out. Not yet.
There's a level of peace that comes with admitting that you have no clue what you're doing. Suddenly, you have room for error- and error and mistake lead to innovation. "I've got to get this perfectly right," turns into a giggle and an exhale of "I have no idea what I'm doing! Guess I'll try this and see if it works." The pressure to be perfect melts away from you and you find yourself suddenly enjoying tasks that once seemed daunting.
Relax, it will all work out.


Dr. Jones

I've got a hot date with nostalgia tonight...