The thing is, with all of this running around I haven't really been keeping to my March goals. Which is okay since I've already stated that goals are allowed to change. But it's still a bummer. My long walks with Nora are cutting short due to rain and yoga this week. And last week it was so toasty that drinking more hot Chamomile Tea sounded like a death sentence. At least my "staying in" has been panning out...
Anyways, in my attempt to get my mind back into focus here, I want to talk about motivation today. I have never been a very driven person. It's just not in my nature. And honestly, I don't think I want to try to force myself to be more motivated. I think it's a much wiser idea to simply place more things in my life that serve as opportunities to become motivated. And so this morning I had a thought: what has been my biggest motivation? I looked at the things in my life that I would consider "accomplishments," and traced them back to where they all began. It was sort of an interesting exercise. Especially since I'm not very ambitious, yet I feel like I have SOME stuff posted on my refrigerator. I think my top 3 accomplishments have been (in no particular order): Advancing in my job, Getting out of some crappy relationships, and planning my trip to Europe. These may not sound that fantastic to some people, but to me they have been (and will be- in Europe's case) game changers for me. I think about what motivated me to do these things. And I think it was a matter of my own mind saying "Enough! Enough wanting things and not getting them. Enough watching everyone else around you enjoy their lives and feeling left out. Enough basking on the sidelines with the C-Team and wishing you were in the game. THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH."
And I don't know how to put into words my exact moments of motivation, except to say it has been like a recovery for me. When Jill was in the hospital, the nurses told us that once she she started eating solid foods, her recovery would be expedited. I feel like that has been my story as well. It was like once I decided to drop into life, I hit the ground running. Life really IS a matter of mental decisions and swift action on them. "I don't want to live that life anymore. And so I wont." ...And then you just DO that. No second guessing, no reservations. I always think of it like a roller coaster. Once you decide to sit in that seat and pull the bar down, you're in- buddy. You're on the ride. And you may be scared to pieces, but I'm pretty sure afterwards you will have enjoyed it. And so, for me, I want to continue riding roller coasters. Because eventually I wont be afraid of any of them because I know I can survive the ride. What's the old saying? A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... it's important to TAKE that step. I guess that's my motivation. What's yours?
The first time this happened was my very close friend who one day, for reasons I will not delve into, simply stopped being my friend. It was like one day we were BFFs, and the next I wasn't even a fly on the wall. It stung, and I cried A LOT. I actually ended up moving away from the place I was living because he was friends with all the people there and it became too difficult for me to deal with. I assure you- I have a point. I am not just trying to tug at your heart strings here. Shortly after that another of my friends stopped talking to me, and shortly after that another did. I had no clue why this was happening. I hadn't done anything to wrong these people. And I lost sleep over it. My friendships are very dear to me, and I hold my friends as close as family. So to me, it was like disconnecting with my brothers. I tried to figure out what I had done, where I had gone wrong, etc. It was only years later that I found out some of the issues these people had. And as it turns out, it was really nothing to do with anything I had done, but a series of events surrounding these people that were totally beyond my control.
I knew a guy who had a similar situation happen to him. His good friend basically "broke up" with him, and he was devastated. From what I had seen, he was similar to me in his friendships. He held them very high on his list of priorities. A while later he ended up discussing things with his friend and they more or less "made up," but it was still very strange to watch this from an outside perspective. I hadn't had that before, and it opened my eyes to what was really happening with these people who had left me in my OWN life. I assure you, I still have a point.
Recently I had a friend who got upset with me over something I had said. Not to him, but indirectly. Okay it was on Facebook. Lame, right? Well my knee jerk reaction was to grovel. To apologize over and over again. One lesson that I have learned in my life has been that even when you say something that offends someone unintentionally, it still hurts them. And I do not want to be a person who inflicts emotional pain on another person- be it intentional or not. While I may still hold to the statement or action I took, I always, always want to apologize for making the other person feel badly. And so I did. But after a time of upset, and explaining myself to this person, I started to feel differently. Because when you mess up there is a certain amount of apology that should be expected. And then that's it. They either forgive you, or they do not. Past that, if they are still upset with you it is out of your hands. And their upset is likely not as much to do with YOU as it is with THEM. This friend of mine got my apology, and I did everything in my power to make amends with him. And now my job is done. And we were "cool" for a minute, but then who-knows-what happened and now we are somehow not. And I could go two ways with this: grovel some more and beg for their friendship back -OR- let it go. And it sucks. Nobody likes to lose a friend. And no one likes to not know the reasons behind something like that (because I honestly don't). But at some point it's important to remember that the world does not revolve around you. This person has their own deal and their own set of whatever issues he has, and after my part in the friendship is done it is no longer my job to fix it.
It's hard to let go of a person in your life. We fight it, always. Especially when they are very close to you. But it's important to remember that we are in charge of ourselves ONLY. And no one else. We can only control our own actions and behaviors. And if you are satisfied with what you've contributed to something, there isn't much else that you can do. And sometimes, trying will only make you feel frazzled and a bit crazy. So you have to say, "I'm sorry that things didn't work out," and walk away. The role this person had in your life is now over. Their chapter is finished. And you appreciate what you gained from their friendship, and you leave behind any hurt you feel because you just don't need it. I'll leave you with a little ditty that I have saved. It helps me when I feel bad about this sort of thing:
LET IT GO !!!!
There are people who can walk away from you.And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:let them walk.
I have been craving a nice dark chocolate bar for literally the past week straight. So, I think today I will take my time from blogging and make my dreams come true! Here are a few pretty things that have brightened up my week:
But when I finally got a full time job, I learned that I could indeed get up before 10am every day. This, to me, was news. I've always loved the night life, but now that I am awake in the mornings I am starting to gain a new appreciation for the stillness of the morning time. There really is something magical about waking up before anyone else is awake. There is no noise except for you, quietly preparing yourself for the day ahead. Your bare feet pad silently across the tile floor, trying to tip toe softly as to not wake anyone else up. I like to listen to morning music mixes I have made myself on my iPad. There's that first sip of cold water that wakes up your taste buds. You look in the mirror at your disheveled hair and face and kind of giggle a little at how silly they are. The air is still and crisp. Now is a good time and place to slowly drift into your day. Not your car, not at work. No need to rush from bed to highway and office as the start to your day.
And so, I think tonight I am going to try the tips listed in this article. And wake up early to read a bit, stretch a tad, and drink my Chamomile Tea. An extra 30 minutes ought to do the trick. This means that I am going to also need to re-adjust my evening schedule. Which is fine since I'm working on being more mellow anyways.
I think that, so often, people feel like the whole world revolves around them. And honestly it's easy to feel that way. You are the one who wakes up and falls asleep to your thoughts. No one else. But the world does NOT revolve around you and your restless mind. And perhaps while your mistakes are an opportunity for you to learn to mend your ways, they are also someone else's opportunity to learn to forgive. Both are equally important. And very few interactions with other people are for one person's benefit alone.
I think that if you are hanging onto regret or anguish over your actions then you ought to address what it is, in yourself, that makes you feel like you deserve such self-punishment. Because at that point it really isn't about the situation itself anymore. Confident, happy people are not imperfect. they just know their faults, they take action to fix what they can, and they put the rest out of their minds. Confident people are not sitting there, wondering if so-and-so is still mad at them. They know that if they've done their part to correct the situation, so-and-so will either forgive them or they will not. And you can't control anyone but yourself, so why try? At the same time, you need to be fair to the opposite side of the spectrum. If someone wrongs you, and they genuinely ask forgiveness, give it to them. And let bygones be bygones. I don't think you should be anybody's doormat, but I think the old "forgive and forget" theory is an admirable one. And you know, if they consistently wrong you, by all means forgive them and forget them. But don't hold onto it. Don't hold on to negativity of any kind. I read somewhere that holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone else... you're the one who gets burned.
...mainly because the costumes in it are so gorgeous. I have a fridge STOCKED with yummy (and healthy!) food, and plan on stopping by Whole Foods to get my favorite sweet tooth fix: hot and spicy dark chocolate. Between that and listening to this music today:
today will be peaceful for me. I will post my March resolutions tomorrow.