Final Thoughts.

A decision has been looming over me lately, one that I go back and forth on. I've been keeping this blogspot for 4 years now. I'm closing in on 10,000 hits; and for that I am beyond flattered. Who would have ever thought that anyone would care what some silly little girl from Orange County had to say about life in general.
But I find my words getting stale. The funny thing about keeping a blog is that no matter how many people are reading, you always sort of feel like what you're saying is falling on deaf ears. There's no real interaction outside of your monologues, aside from the occasional comment you get from someone who's got an extra ten minutes to respond to you. At the same time, you don't really get that release that you'd want from writing because you never know who is reading it. All I know is the numbers, not the people. I've had people that I don't even know tell me that they read my blog... and while that's a pretty cool thing, it's also sort of scary. I'm pouring out my inner most thoughts here, and I have no idea who I am revealing myself to so openly. It's a really strange feeling in general.
To top that off, I have this constant battle where I feel like I should be speaking more generically so that people will feel involved, and sometimes I actually feel guilty for talking about what my weekend plans were and the like. Some days I just don't have much to say, but I still post because I feel an obligation to not fall off the grid. Which, of course, is crazy speak.
On top of that whole aspect, I miss people. I miss actual people, not this cyber space social circle where we know about eachother's lives because of the Internet. I miss getting froyo and catching up with old friends from high school. I miss phone calls that begin with "what have you been up to?" rather than ones peppered with "Oh, I read about that online!" The only person I want to be telling people about my life is myself, because I miss physical companionship of having real life friends. Does that mean I will log off Facebook or any other networking sites? Probably not. I'm not quite ready for that yet. But I suspect it's time will come as well... someday.
I don't want to talk about my life, I want to be about my life. And that means that rather than talking about it on here, I want to be talking to you about it in person. Or having adventures with you. I talk about who I've been a lot on here, I know. But who I have been until the past year or two has been a dreamer. I've been a planner, and a wisher, and a lazy imagination. But the past few years have been some of the biggest in my life so far, filled with devastation and extreme reality but also some of the best friends I've ever made and adventures I never thought I'd experience. And if I've learned one thing more than anything else it's been that living the life I've been dreaming of is, in fact, possible. I just need to stop waiting around for it to happen and make my life unfold the way I want it to. Choosing my path is no one's job but my own.

photo credit: unknown

With that, I bid you adieu. And who knows- maybe I will be back to check in once in a while. Or maybe I will change my mind completely. But it's my hope that I wont be back, and you'll know if I'm not that it means I'm busy living my life instead.

Mountains.

I very much needed to hear this today, and I'm glad my DailyOm sent it to me.
(How do they always KNOW??)

"From the top of a mountain, we are able to witness life from a different perspective bringing us a new awareness.
Mountains have always captured our imaginations, calling us to scale their heights, to circle and worship at their feet, and to pay homage to their greatness. Mountains can be seen from thousands of miles away, and if we are lucky enough to be on top of one, we can see great stretches of the surrounding earth. As a result, mountains symbolize vision, the ability to rise above the adjacent lowlands and see beyond our immediate vicinity. From the top of the mountain, we are able to witness life from a new perspective—cities and towns that seem so large when we are in them look tiny. We can take the whole thing in with a single glance, regaining our composure and our sense of proportion as we realize how much bigger this world is than we sometimes remember it to be.
Mountains are almost always considered holy and spiritual places, and the energy at the top of a mountain is undeniably unique. When we are on top of a mountain, it is as if we have ascended to an alternate realm, one in which the air is purer and the energy lighter. Many a human being has climbed to the top of a mountain in order to connect with a higher source of understanding, and many have come back down feeling stronger and wiser. Whenever we are feeling trapped or limited in our vision, a trip to our nearest mountain may be just the cure we need.
There’s a reason that mountain views are so highly prized in this world, and it is because, even from a distance, mountains remind us of how small we are, which often comes as a wonderful relief. In addition, they illustrate our ability to connect with higher energy. As they rise up from the earth, sometimes disappearing in the clouds that gather around them, they are a visual symbol of earth reaching up into the heavens. Whether we have a mountain view out of our window or just a photograph of a mountain where we see it every day, we can rely on these earthly giants to provide inspiration, vision, and a daily reminder of our humble place in the grand scheme of life."

photo credit: unknown

Isn't it funny how much we struggle with what we don't have? I've been known to do this on more than one occasion. I see the people around me, especially in Orange County, and think "why don't I have these things?" And, honestly, I think that there is a level of validity to that. I think that we ought to always strive to better our lives. But sometimes I think I look to the wrong things to provide that sense of betterment. Or look so far past the blessings I've been given that I ignore them entirely. It's so important to realize that where you stand now isn't the top of your own personal mountain. And that once you do reach that place, you will probably giggle at all of the insecurities and pettiness that you held so closely. I can completely identify with the part of this quote that talks about a "limited vision," and I hope to be better at recognizing that I need to chill the eff out and let life take me on whatever ride it will. I will get to where I'm meant to, and the view of the valleys below will be breathtaking.

Advice Column.

So if any of you are like me, you've had great relationships and you've had crummy ones. A friend of mine is having a crummy one right now, and asked my advice. I don't want to get overly personal with it for privacy reasons, but I really feel like the advice I gave her is pretty good (is that arrogant to say?), and might be beneficial to anyone who reads this old thing. So I'm posting it here with some adlibs for her responses, in case anyone is interested.
Back Story: Her boyfriend told her that he needed more space, even though they only see eachother about once a week as it is. They have now gone over 4 weeks without seeing eachother, but are still texting and talking on the phone. She is starting to get antsy about it and wondering if this kind of relationship has a future or not.
You want my honest opinion?

You need to change your perspective on this WHOLE equation. I realize that you spent a good deal of time picturing your life with this guy, and when you invest that energy in someone, and have those expectations, it's hard to erase it and be happy with a blank slate of your future. It's downright terrifying, really. But you know what my immediate thought was when I read your email about you guys taking space? I saw you writing how he needed space (and seriously, a MONTH is a helluva lot of space if you ask me) and how he is doing so great now that he has that space. You also said that you're doing a lot of stuff, staying busy and enjoying your time. You're both doing BETTER without the relationship. So I guess my question is- why are you maintaining it? Shouldn't you both do what makes your lives easier and better? I know it sucks to think about a big change like that, but don't you want to be with someone who doesn't need to take a 4 week hiatus from your relationship whenever it gets tough? You obviously deserve better, and you know that. No matter how great he is, or what high points you two have had as a couple- where you got to together has now come full circle and in order to fulfill a really great life for yourselves- you need to let it go and move forward. We all have an expiration date, or at least a "Best By" date, and I really don't think you should waste your pretty on a guy who ultimately doesn't seem to be compatible with you.
There is a saying that goes something like, "If you can't take me at my worst, you certainly don't deserve me at my best." And if he has to take a month of space from you because things aren't "perfect" for whatever reason, he does NOT deserve you when you're the easy breezy girlfriend who serves him cupcakes and cleans up his house. Those are rewards, not automatics!!
She responded by agreeing and then saying that she has an urge to call him and tell him all of this stuff today, then asking if I thought that was wise. She also said that she was worried about how she would move forward because she had let most of her friendships fall by the wayside in order for this relationship to be her main focus...
I think that you should wait at least 24 hours to say ANYTHING to him. Let it sit with you a while, because you're going to go back and forth on what you want to say and you should make sure that what ends up coming out of your mouth has been carefully considered and logical rather than emotional.
All girls pull away from their friends when they get in relationships, it's totally normal. And being in your early-mid twenties is a crappy time for friendships anyways because we are all evolving SO much during that time. You can credit it to your relationship if you want- but the truth is that YOU have been the one doing the growing up. It's your natural evolution and it's pretty standard protocol for your twenties. Of course there are influences, the same way your friendships in high school influenced you. But you are the only one ultimately responsible for who you become throughout your life, so be proud of yourself for becoming who you are on your own- because _____ didn't grow you up, you grew up yourself. And hey, good job because you're great!!
You're going to make new friendships in the next few years and let go of others, it just depends on where you go with your life. I have friends who I've known for 15 years that I realized are no longer people who have a positive influence on me and therefore recently let go of them. And it sucked, and I miss "the way things were" a lot. But I'm also freeing myself up to afford new friendships to form. And with people who are more similar to who I am today- rather than who I was at 16, 19, or even 24. Don't beat yourself up about not having a ton of girlfriends right now. And realistically this is a good learning lesson to you to be more careful of clinging to some friendships the next time you are in a relationship- I know I learned that lesson recently.
I think you should wait to talk to _____, DEFINETLY. Sit with the whole equation, write it down, make a pros and cons list. Do whatever you have to do to put ALL of your thoughts out there. Write out the sane ones, write out the crazy ones, don't hold back because you think it makes you sound silly. Keep in mind that this "crazy" side of you is a direct result of him making you feel insecure and forcing you to grasp at straws. You're not crazy at all, I can promise you that. Don't try to manipulate him into who you think he is or why you think he might be doing things. Take them at face value and moreover see how they make YOU feel, regardless of his reasoning behind them. A man who loves you is going to put you 100% first (at least the kind of guy YOU want to end up with, right??) so even if it makes him "bummed," he should do things that he knows will ultimately make you happier. So figure out how to be calm and collected when you talk to him, and go into it knowing what you want and not willing to settle for anything less. The conversation should go something like this (on your end):
I have a problem with the way things are going.
Here is what I want our relationship to look like. Can you at least meet me halfway?
Circle yes or no.