But I find my words getting stale. The funny thing about keeping a blog is that no matter how many people are reading, you always sort of feel like what you're saying is falling on deaf ears. There's no real interaction outside of your monologues, aside from the occasional comment you get from someone who's got an extra ten minutes to respond to you. At the same time, you don't really get that release that you'd want from writing because you never know who is reading it. All I know is the numbers, not the people. I've had people that I don't even know tell me that they read my blog... and while that's a pretty cool thing, it's also sort of scary. I'm pouring out my inner most thoughts here, and I have no idea who I am revealing myself to so openly. It's a really strange feeling in general.
To top that off, I have this constant battle where I feel like I should be speaking more generically so that people will feel involved, and sometimes I actually feel guilty for talking about what my weekend plans were and the like. Some days I just don't have much to say, but I still post because I feel an obligation to not fall off the grid. Which, of course, is crazy speak.
On top of that whole aspect, I miss people. I miss actual people, not this cyber space social circle where we know about eachother's lives because of the Internet. I miss getting froyo and catching up with old friends from high school. I miss phone calls that begin with "what have you been up to?" rather than ones peppered with "Oh, I read about that online!" The only person I want to be telling people about my life is myself, because I miss physical companionship of having real life friends. Does that mean I will log off Facebook or any other networking sites? Probably not. I'm not quite ready for that yet. But I suspect it's time will come as well... someday.
I don't want to talk about my life, I want to be about my life. And that means that rather than talking about it on here, I want to be talking to you about it in person. Or having adventures with you. I talk about who I've been a lot on here, I know. But who I have been until the past year or two has been a dreamer. I've been a planner, and a wisher, and a lazy imagination. But the past few years have been some of the biggest in my life so far, filled with devastation and extreme reality but also some of the best friends I've ever made and adventures I never thought I'd experience. And if I've learned one thing more than anything else it's been that living the life I've been dreaming of is, in fact, possible. I just need to stop waiting around for it to happen and make my life unfold the way I want it to. Choosing my path is no one's job but my own.
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