Shush.

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One of the most important skills anybody can learn in their lives, in my opinion, is when to speak up- and when you shut up.

I had a roommate years ago who had a problem with over-speaking. Technically it was more like over-texting, but the effect is the same. She and I got along amazingly, BUT whenever an issue came up, she would text me these rapid-fire text messages about how upset she was and what she planned to do about it. 

Let me interrupt myself by stating that I firmly believe that no two people are going to get along all of the time. ESPECIALLY no two people who haven't known one another very long. I still have episodes where I am not sure how to speak to my own family members in a way that will best compromise solutions with empathy toward their feelings. In order to work with someone, you need to get to know how to best work with them in a way that is both productive and firm, but honest and kind. There is no point in even bothering if all you want to do is start a yelling match. Power struggles have never brought a true solution to issues between loved ones.

...I found this roommate/friend's text messages to be offensive and threatening, and I think she found mine to be nonchalant and uncaring. However, as soon as we'd get home and talk about things in person, it was a different story. We worked together, and things were resolved in a matter of minutes with NO hard feelings. It wasn't until we'd been through this a few times that I finally realized that each time we argued through text messages and then sat down face-to-face, solutions were much easier to come about in person. There was no mis-interpretation. Neither of us were hiding behind the passive-aggressive tendency that text messages enable. Problems were resolved faster and more amicably when we took this approach. So from then on out, we agreed to never text about real issues, lest we waste one another's time and feelings. And to this day, she is one of my best friends. 

I also have a friend who runs away from things. I actually know a LOT of people who do this. These are people who perhaps have had one (or many) incidents in their lives which led them to feel like tackling problems head on involves too much pain, and isn't worth it. One of my friends like this has a tendency to ignore problems. If he has an issue with one of his roommates/friends/girlfriends- he simply takes on the solution himself. If someone makes a mess (literally or figuratively), he cleans it up- time after time after time. He internalizes it to the point where there is so much pent up aggression toward these people that he is causing himself damage as a means of emotional release. This is also my friend who, I'd say, 60% of the people in his life take advantage of him on a regular basis. He has no self-esteem because he hasn't built any up. He feels alone most days and doesn't understand why he can't gain control of his life. 

There is a time to be quiet. 

That time is when you may be upset and slightly irrational. That time is when you aren't sure just HOW you feel about something, and you need to take a lap to calm down. For my old roommate and myself, not speaking immediately, while we were perhaps still emotional, proved to be our greatest problem-solving tool.  

There is a time to speak up. 

That time is when you have a recurring issue. That time is when you care about the people you have a problem with, and want to better the relationship rather than just allow it to remain stagnant. That time is when you are unhappy, and have a CHOICE to be happier. Happiness is a choice. It's always a choice.

Growing up, my family was one of TALKERS. I know, I know, you'd never have guessed. But we were. And I hated it. I hated that when I got in trouble, it meant two hours on the couch with my parents talking at me about what happened. I hated that they couldn't just yell and get over it. It drove me bonkers. Looking back, I know that these talks with my parents is why I am who I am today. I don't yell, I put in the work. And I think that my problem-solving skill set is one of more rationality than rage. I learned that running away from my problems, or ignoring them, wasn't going to prevent them from happening again. The only way to learn from your mistakes or hardships is to face them head on, as uncomfortable as that may be. There is a  time to talk.

When emotions run high and you're not quite at a solution yet- there is no point in confronting a problem until your mind is in the right place. When I have a problem, I try to sit with it for a beat before trying to solve it. I want to know WHY I have that problem. I want to know what my real intention is with the person or people involved. Sometimes I need to remind myself that the world does not revolve around me and the things that I want, and that the other person/people are entitled to their feelings too. It's easy to get so wrapped up in your feelings that you become sort of egotistical about them, and it's important to bear in mind that other people deserve things too. Everyone, no matter what, deserves respect. That means that if you are too upset to talk rationally, wait until you can speak to them in a way that wont be hurtful. Every conversation needs to be filled with optimism, respect, and a genuine desire NOT TO WIN- but to succeed. And "success" doesn't mean one person dominates the conversation. It means that no matter the outcome of the discussion, both people feel heard. Listening is much, MUCH harder than speaking. Being quiet is much, MUCH harder than saying whatever is on your mind as it comes to you. There is a time to be quiet.