Perchance to Dream.

"We wander, but in the end there is always a certain peace in being what one is- in being that completely..."
-Ugo Betti

For as long as I can remember, I've had difficulty sleeping. I think the last time I had a consistent run of "good nights" was when I was in high school.

I look back, wondering why this is the case. I'm not even kidding- I have gone through every non-prescription option in Walgreens. Tylenol PM, Unisom, Nyquil (This was during a very interesting Underworld time in my life. If you're going to take Nyquil, please watch that or Resident Evil. Falling peacefully asleep to those movies makes you feel like a hardcore M-er F-er)... I always needed something to help set my mind at ease in order to quiet the frantic pacing my brain did around bedtime. It was never a matter of a "to-do'" list or anything like that. It was always some stupid thought about what friend of mine needed my help, or what my boyfriend was/wasn't doing. Super (un)important stuff like that.

A girlfriend of mine comforted me during a rough patch a few years ago, during a time when my brain refused to shut up. I was exhausted from a string of sleepless nights, feeling on-edge and tweaked. She told me, in so many words, that when she had gone through a rough patch, she worked out at the gym to the brink of exhaustion. She said that if she focused on exhausting her body, her brain would have no choice but to follow suite during her bedtime hours. She basically knocked herself out with physical activity.

I'm not sure how clinical her study was, but she had a point. An exhausted body is a sleepy body (and brain!)

These days, sleep is SO happening. I can honestly say, at 30, that this is the first time since I was probably 15 that I am relatively stress-free. My brain is content. I just don't care about pretty much anything. And it got me thinking... Why?

Did you know that when you're a teenager, the recommended allotment of sleep is 10 hours. TEN HOURS. And do you know why? It's because your body is constantly working to grow, and you are expanding your mind with new information daily. Not just in school, either. Socially and emotionally, too. You are literally growing every part of yourself, inside and out. You are expanding your mind, and exhausting it in the process.

This is me, now.

I am thirty years old. I am single. I am working in a new job where I am being challenged and educated daily. When I get off work, I still- for the first time ever- am thinking about work. Brainstorming, watching tutorial videos, reading books on Marketing. Not in an obsessive way, but simply because I want to be up to par with where I should be at my job. I'm also writing for a few spots, and trying to catch up on my social media that I used to spend a substantial amount more time on at my old job. Sidebar: I have literally had friends message me on Facebook asking if I'm okay since I'm hardly on there anymore. HOW embarrassing.

Cut to my working hours: Between working on different projects I am making new friends, developing social skills in the workplace (since I haven't had any real "peers" at work in over 7 years so this is new territory), joining the fitness team with a handful of coworkers, and essentially navigating what it's like to have a completely different job than I've ever had before.

And it feels amazing.

I know I keep talking about work stuff, and ideally this will subside. But for now, this is what excites me. This is my life, for the moment. Which brings me to my point, sort of (and finally)...

Before this, my life was all about, "Oh, HE'S cute!" and "Oh no- she didn't!" And now that stuff all sort of seems... trivial. I am trying not to lose that girly part of me as much as possible, because I think a certain level of that is healthy for social bonding. But not having my focus be 100% social/emotional has really changed things for me. I'm no longer looking for any kind of drama, and when it comes up I'm too tired to even pay it mind anymore. I recently posted a roommate ad that basically said: I have two requirements, don't be a slob and don't be an asshole. Otherwise I don't care. Because I just don't care about a lot these days. I just want to work, be good at it, go hiking and come home and relax. I'm sorry that your sister's brother's cat sat on your fur-free couch. But I'm too tired to get worked up about it.

I guess I just feel what everyone else has been feeling all along... content. I am filling my brain with useful information, not searching for drama to fill it. I'm not really searching for anything. Not another person, not meaningless chatter just to occupy my time... Just Being.

And for the first time in a long time, I sleep.

Man, do I sleep.

1 comment:

MacCoolJazz said...

This is smile from ear to ear inducing.