It is now Tuesday. Jill has been in a coma for over a week.
This sort of thing is so surreal to me. I feel detached from it, like I'm reading it in a book about another person. And not a friend, but a person I don't even know. Some days I feel like I ought to be more emotional about it... more distressed, I guess. But there is this level of detachment from it all, and it's both unnerving and peaceful at the same time. It isn't that I don't care, but more so that I know how completely out of my hands this is. Sort of one of those "give it to God" situations.
I love my sister. We haven't always gotten along growing up, and I think that makes our friendship THAT much more precious to me. Since we have both been adults, Jill has always been my number one confidant. Her advice has always been both rational and emotionally fulfilling. She just always know the right thing to say. If I am lucky, that will have rubbed off on me a bit.
I have never been an overly emotional nor (in these situations) a dramatic person. I almost feel like I should be crying all the time. And people keep asking how I'm doing and in a lot of ways I feel like my answer should be "I'm awful. I can't eat or sleep. I can hardly function." But it really isn't the case. I have an aura of calm about me and while I am grateful for it I also feel a bit of guilt about it. Shouldn't I feel completely consumed with anger and fear? Because I don't. I don't know if it's denial or faith, but for some reason I know Jill will make it through this okay. I know that her family will make it through this okay. I know that a greater power besides myself and my selfish desires is at work here and whether I want something or not, a decision has been made about this outcome. My only fear and regret is that I am not THERE, at her side and helping out with anything her kids and husband need. I know that makes me sound like I'm trying to be some kind of Martyr, but that is 100% how I feel. I can't help Jill right now. Even while in Colorado I couldn't do much besides hold her hand, or paint her nails, or play music she likes. But that feeling I felt when I helped with the people who were there for her- kids, sister, nephews, parents-I guess I just felt a little less helpless. And it may have been for selfish reasons in that I just wanted to FEEL like I wasn't so helpless... but it was good just the same.
I don't know that I need to go on some tangent about how amazing Jill is. Anyone who knows her knows that she is one of the most amazing people on this planet. A few years ago, I was talking to my Mom about her. My Mom asked me if I ever got jealous of Jill, because she always seemed to live a charmed life. People wanted to give her things and help her, it was never difficult for Jill to get by. My response to that was that no, I couldn't possibly be jealous of Jill. Jill is a better PERSON than I am. And I mean that with the utmost sincerity and not trying to tug at heart strings. Jill is that person who, no matter how tired, will talk to you and help you with your problems. She is a person who is nice to you, even when you aren't nice to her. She tries, always, to be positive and kind and uplifting. She calls my Mom every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. Jill deserves every single positive thing that comes her way because she has earned it.
But I will admit, as the days wear on I feel a bit heavier. That optimism that I held at first is still there, but questions of "why is this taking so long?" start to arise. I know that God has a plan for Jill and for my family. And I know that he has his reasons for keeping Jill in this state for so long. I guess I just wish those reasons would manifest themselves. Maybe this is a trial of strength not for Jill, but for the rest of us. Sometimes when you think the hard part is over, I guess God gives you just one more nudge to help you prove to yourself that you can still stand.
Today Jill is trying another seizure medication. She continues to seize every time we try to wake her up by lightening up on the sedatives. I'd really like my sister back soon, God. I really really would. Like I said, I know there is a reason for all of this. But it would be nice if this were over sooner than later. I have my one-year follow up CT Scan today. And all I kept thinking while I was in the hospital is that if God could wake Jill up alright, I am okay with having the tumor come back. Its something I have been through and it's familiar and I know that I could handle it. I don't have kids waiting at home for me and wondering why I'm in the hospital. Parenting is a job that she can't take time off from. I don't have that. A part of me is really pulling for my CT to come back with news that the growth is not as benign as we'd thought back in May- because it would mean that my prayer was answered. I don't know. I'm sure this is typical for people to have thoughts like that in this situation.
My brother in law has shown his true strength this past week. And it has been one of the most amazing things I have ever been witness to. He has been a pillar of strength and even the last day that I was there, I woke up to him giving my other brother a blessing. Then my sister. We left the hospital shortly afterwards, and Blaine explained to me what had happened. He said that Dave had requested to do that. He told Charity and Ryan that he felt very strongly that God wanted to have him give them a blessing for comfort. What kind of person DOES that? I never knew what true strength was until Sunday afternoon when I saw Dave put his own fears aside and offer peace to the people around him. This is my family. I must be the luckiest person alive to have been surrounded with people like these.
Hopefully I will know something more today. Hopefully Jill is responding to her new medication and coming back to us soon. But I guess it's not up to me.