I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.

Some days, I feel like I'm sort of in the wrong place. But I think everyone might feel like that sometimes. I'm learning more and more that despite my best efforts at covering it up, I am a very sensitive, soft-hearted person. I never thought myself much of a sap, but I admit that I cry during sad movies. This is something I never did when I was younger, and something that sort of alarms me every time it happens. "No! No no no. This is not something we do!"
But can I tell you a secret? I'm not tough. I'm not tough at all. I'm never going to be a hard ass type girl who you "wouldn't want to mess with." Come on, I'm 5 foot 4 and weigh all of 112 pounds. I'm hardly going to kick your ass. If they made a cartoon character of me, it would most likely be wearing a sun dress and playing tag with Fawns and Bluebirds.
I constantly battle with myself on my Rose Colored Glasses persona, which is sort of my default view on life. A lot of people have told me that I need to toughen up. To be more real and stop being so naive. And I agree, naivety can be dangerous. But some times I just want to imagine that the world is wonderful and that life is this amazing gift and not so much a trial. Is that so terrible? Some people look at the glass half empty, and some people look at it half full. I look at it as, "Free milk, which is great because I'm thirsty!" Yes, I realize that makes me sound like sort of a ditz- but am I really? Or am I just someone who doesn't want to waste time analyzing whether something is half full or not while it spoils itself?
A part of me worries that I have some sort of mental illness wherein I just want to be a kid forever. I call it Peter Pan Syndrome, and have been suspicious of it for some time. Some of my favorite things are fantastical. My dream house is a tree house (it has plumbing and everything- trust me I have thought this through!). I love to draw and paint. I love doe-eyed owls and snowy Beluga Whales. I sing along with my car radio and don't care who is looking anymore. I'm fascinated by fantasy and comic book movies. I splash in rain puddles and I like to go on long walks to look at the different trees in my neighborhood. I love being barefoot and when I go swimming- I float on my back and let my arms dance in the water. There are few things I love more than to stretch. I despise being indoors and am obsessed with nature. This is my life. It's sort of like the life of a 6 year-old.
But my question is: is that so terrible? Sometimes I think about the advice people give me to grow up already, and I start to feel manipulated. I am proud to still hold on to fragments of who I was when I was a kid. A sort of innocence that you can't really get back once it's gone. Do I want to abandon my sense of wonder towards my world around me? Do I really want to know how the serious people of the world think and live? Or do I want to stay ME- to watch cartoons and eat Popsicles for breakfast?
I know there is a middle ground where I can protect myself from the world but still embrace it. I'm just looking for that place where I can keep my feet on the ground but my head looking towards the puffy little white clouds.

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