Bummer.

Dr. Davisson just called and said that he consulted with two other Thoracic Surgeons in Southern California and they both agreed that my surgery has to be a Sternotomy.

He DID promise to "keep me looking good," though. So I guess I've got that going for me. Here's what a typical Sternotomy scar looks like, just so you can see how awesome I get to be in a month. I believe this one isn't fully healed, hopefully mine will be less prominant once it's all healed up.

And for the geeks like me, here's a fun fact: Skeet Ulrich has a Sternotomy scar too! You can hardly see his, which is comforting. He wears it well. I only hope I can too.

D-Day

Well I got my date for my surgery: November 10th. I go in a few weeks before to donate some blood (although I'm just giving it back to myself so it doesn't really count as a good deed!), which is step one. Then I go in for Pre-Op I think like 2 days before surgery and then back again about 6 days after it for Post Op. That means only 3 more times of someone sticking me with needles until I'm done for a while. I seriously cannot wait for that. I've never had a big problem with needles, but lately it's just starting to get old, so I'm looking forward to not having to do that anymore. I guess it's a good thing I'm not a drug addict.

Dr. Davisson (my Thoracic Surgeon) was a lot more at ease and less creepy this time, which was nice. I still have a second opinion appointment set for October 5th, but if he tells me the same thing I am feeling okay with going to Dr. Davisson after all. Not to mention that my Aunt told me that she knows a lot of the doctors at Lakeview Kaiser and Dr. D comes very highly recommended. So we'll see how that goes. I would also really like to have the surgery somewhat local so that people can visit me and I wont have to sit in a hospital all alone for a week (Hint-Hint!)

ALSO- I asked him why we would have to do the surgery via Sternotomy rather than a VATS (Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery) and he said that it IS possible to do the surgery that way but he thinks it would be a better idea to be sure to get it all out in one swoop as with the Sternotomy. He assured me he would consult with his colleague about it and get back to me (he seemed quite impressed that I knew so much about my surgery and tumor). So now I'm kind of stuck with the decision of "should I risk a possibility of them not removing the entire tumor and having to go back in again," or having this gnarly surgery and a huge scar. He said if a VATS surgery was unsuccessful that we would likely do a Sternotomy anyway. So I've got that to think about.

So I am now surprisingly calm about this whole thing. For me it's the not knowing that drives me crazy, not the good or bad news itself. I know what the plan is, and I know exactly how long I have to prepare my body. That's good.

Same old song and dance

I know all I've been talking about lately is my surgery, but I'm anxious and it's just been what is on my mind.
I go in tomorrow for another doctor's visit with my surgeon at the Lakeview Kaiser office and I have no clue what we are going to discuss there. I imagine it will be setting up a date for my surgery but with the way this is all going I really have no expectations right now. I'm still waiting for my doctor to call me to set up my appointment for my second opinion as well so I really hope they call today so that I have some idea of when that will be with all of this. We will also be looking at the results of the new CT scan from Friday so I hope those are positive. We did a high resolution CT Scan of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis because my surgeon wants to make sure I don't have anything else going on. My fingers are crossed that I don't.
Other than that, things are pretty boring for me right now. I'm trying to eat healthy and in abundance so that my body can get all of the nutrients it needs. I'm taking vitamins too, and trying to do some yoga in my office at work when I have free time (and privacy!). I'm making sure to get lots of rest and not stress about anything. I'm getting my paperwork for any financial assistance ready and doing as much of my office work as I possibly can so that my boss doesn't fall apart without me here. It feels like I'm forgetting something but I can't put my finger on it... but I'm sure I'll get everything ready in time. I'm kind of an over preparer in general so I'm not too worried about any of that sort of thing.
Sooo... here's to hoping tomorrow goes smoothly. Kenneth is going with me to my appointment so that should be helpful. He's quite smart and I know he will ask any questions I forget to. Love that wonderful, supportive man of mine!

Surgery

Well yesterday was a hard day for me. Today is a little bit better but not by much. I had my doctor's appointment and first of all- I do NOT like the surgeon they assigned me. Unfortunately he is the only Thoracic surgeon in the area. I will seek out a second opinion and perhaps a different doctor, but that means I will have to travel all the way to LA just for my appointment (which means taking work off I guess).
Anyways, to update everyone on my surgery, yesterday was crappy. He told me that they still didn't know if they were going to do surgery or chemo, which made me furious because I feel like my time is being wasted but I guess it is what it is. But I just got off the phone with him and he told me that after a meeting with a board of surgeons, they've decided that surgery is the right answer. When I talked to him yesterday, though, he told me that if we proceed to surgery it will need to be a Sternotomy. For a full description of that:
Median sternotomy is a type of surgical procedure in which a vertical inline incision is made along the sternum, after which the sternum itself is divided, or "cracked". This procedure provides access to the heart and lungs for surgical procedures such as heart transplant, corrective surgery for congenital heart defects (CHDs), or coronary artery bypass surgery.
Basically this was my worst case scenario on surgery. I will be in the hospital for about a week, then on bed rest for two to three weeks. This means I will have to take a month off of work, which I really hope wont lead to me losing my job. What a mess. There are other health as well as some aesthetic concerns that I have, but I wont get into that right now. Anyways- I don't know my surgery date yet but I will be sure to keep everyone posted.

Information Age

Well today I have my doctor's appointment to go over the details (and hopefully appointment date) for my surgery. As I'm sure you can imagine I am VERY anxious to find out the details about how long I will be in the hospital and how long I can be expected to need to take off work. According to the Internet articles I have been reading, recovery time could be anywhere from less than a week to an entire month off work. The reason being that they will need to collapse one of my lungs in order to maneuver around in there so that alone takes some time to get back to "100%" as far as that. I've also been reading that my ribs and kind of entire chest area will be pretty painful for a while, just to sleep and eat and cough and stuff. BUT, they will hopefully be giving me some awesome drugs so I will be able to sleep and function relatively well. I know that no matter how much any of that stuff hurts, that time will eventually pass as well and I will feel SO much better than I have in months, so I'm looking forward to that.
On a more spiritual note: I have been doing some thinking throughout this whole experience and know, without a doubt, that God wouldn't have given me this test if he didn't KNOW that I could handle it. I was thinking about this a week or two ago and kind of playing the "pity me" card to myself. Lately I have been haunted by images of myself laying on an operating table with my body cut open and me knocked out cold... it's a scary thought. But I know that this is something I can deal with. I know that I don't have it so bad, and that catching this thing when we did was a gift to me from God himself, because if we hadn't then who knows how long this may have gone on or what could have happened if the tumor had grown to press more into my heart or lungs. I know that this tumor could have been malignant, and I'm not sure I would have dealt very well with that. But God knew what I could deal well with and grow from and he delivered that to me- no more, no less. I know that bad things happen, even to good people. Even to people like my sister's friend, Jenny, who has Cancer and is dealing with it with more strength than I can even imagine. God knew she could do it, and although my burden has nowhere near the severity of hers, it reminds me that God knows I can do this too. And in a way... I'm flattered. I'm flattered the way I was the first time my Dad told me that he saw great things possible in me and I believed him. Someone as amazing as my father (and in this new case my Father in heaven) has a great faith in what I am capable of. He must think I am pretty great. And with that esteem in myself from the both of them, I know that I can handle this and not only get past it, but thrive through it. I WILL come out of this a better, stronger, and more complete person. Funny how taking something out of you somehow makes you more complete...
I am also looking to get as healthy as possible before this surgery, but having a hard time with it. I get winded pretty easily because of the placement of my tumor and how it's now pressing on my lungs. But I still want to do some kind of workout... yoga, perhaps? Any suggestions are more than welcome!
Anyways, today will be another page in this chapter and that much closer to the end of it... so today is a good day for me. Hopefully my doctor gives me some encouraging news. Wish me luck!

Facts about today.

First and most importantly: I FINALLY talked to my doctor. They said that my tumor is either a teratoma (as they originally thought) or a Thymoma. Bad news: apparently neither one is cured by lollipops as requested in my last post. Good news: my doctor is recommending that I have surgery to remove it rather than Chemotherapy. The chemo would have made me miss less work, and I wouldn't have a scar (I think, unless they would have had to do surgery anyways), BUT it would have been toxic on my body and apparently put things in it that would have made my chances for Cancer much higher later in my life. So that is really, really great news for me. I have an appointment to consult with my Thoracic Surgeon in two weeks (the soonest he had an appointment) to go over details for the surgery and set up a date for it. I looked up Mediastinal Surgery yesterday and read that there are three different types of surgeries. The first one requires that they crack open your sternum to access the tumor and remove it. This is in cases of a "larger tumor," but I don't know what size they are talking about. The second type is where they crack one of my ribs to access the tumor. Again, this is for "larger tumors." The third surgery option would be an orthoscopic surgery, with three incisions made (which would mean less scarring). They would make one incision for the camera and two for tools to remove the tumor. This is the minimally invasive and obviously my first choice of surgery. I don't know if my tumor (which is about 7.5 x 3 cm) is a candidate for the orthoscopic surgery, but I'm really crossing my fingers on this one. Even with that surgery the hospital stay is about 1-3 days, with about a month to full recovery. I think I would be able to get back to work way sooner than that since my job is laid back, but I really don't know what to expect. Honestly my biggest fear is missing too much work- is that weird? I will be knocked out for my surgery, so I don't think that will be an issue unlike my biopsy where I was awake. They will give me drugs for the pain afterwards, so I'm not worried about that either. I am a little concerned because I think they have to collapse a lung in order to access my mediastinal cavity during surgery, but all in all I am not that freaked out by that either. I really just don't want to miss a bunch of work and be way behind on my bills and have my boss be clueless on how to do stuff in here. I suppose I could train a temporary replacement for while I'm out, like Jill did at her old job when she went on vacations. I don't know. Anyways- enough of that, I'll keep you posted in two weeks.

The waiting is the hardest part

Where on Earth is my doctor?!? Grr... Im sorry, just getting anxious to hear back on my biopsy results. As it turns out I am not a very patient person. They told me last Tuesday that it would take three days to get my results, but now they are saying it takes 5-7 business days to get them. Im really hoping they call me today. Im also hoping they say "Oh- all we need to do is give you a Green Caramel Apple sucker and the tumor goes away!!"... but I guess I don't always get what I want. I am not looking forward to any of the things they have to do to cure me, but I am anxious to get them finished. Once this is all over I am doing something to celebrate. I can't wait to be able to walk up my stairs without losing my breath because there simply isn't enough room in my chest for my lungs to expand. I cant wait to be cold without my chest hurting because my body has tensed up and is now constricting my tumor and therefore pressing it against my ribs. I cant wait to take a yoga class. I cant wait to be able to get a full night's rest. I cant wait to not be so stressed out that I clench my jaw at night and wake up not being able to talk. People don't realize the effects that one part of your body going wrong has on the rest of it. I have had chronic headaches from this for probably the past 3 months. My neck feels like I constantly need to crack it but can't. I can't sit for long periods of time without my back killing me- which is difficult at my job. I went to the Dentist yesterday and was anxious to sit in the chair because it felt good on my back. Who the heck WANTS to sit in the Dentist chair?? Im quite sure my liver is effed from all the painkillers I've put into it the past 6 months. All in all- I am very anxious to be done with this whole thing. Perhaps I will throw my tumor a going away party once I figure out how we are getting rid of it... or maybe if I throw it one it will get the hint and get lost on it's own!
Anyways. Sorry to vent, but cross your fingers that my doctor calls me today!

Update

So my surgery yesterday went well. It was ZERO fun, but everything went pretty standardly. They didn't have to cut a hole in my throat like I expected, which was nice. I was really not looking forward to having to explain to people why I appeared to have had a tracheotomy at 26. What they DID do was give me an IV that was supposed to put me into a "twilight sleep" (which, despite the name, apparently does not mean you get to party with Edward Cullen)... but it didn't do anything to me. I was really looking forward to experiencing the whole Morphine part but as it turns out my body thinks that is a bad idea. They gave me several local anesthetic shots in my chest and then stuck a biopsy needle in next to my sternum and went through my ribs to get a sample. I have to say it hurt like a b!tch. They kept having to give me more local shots to numb it and I finally just kind of gave up and waited for it to be over. On the plus side I got to see the CT Scan they were taking to guide the needle while they were doing it, which was kind of cool. I couldn't see the tumor very well but I got to see an x-ray of my chest cavity and my heart and all of that. I also got to see that when I lay down on my back, even a CT Scan shows how huge my "ta ta's" are, which I found amusing.
My mom went with me and was so great the whole time, as were the nurses over at the Irvine Kaiser office. I went through my recovery time (got a little sick from the drugs) and went home and relaxed. By 6pm I was okay to go to my own house and even did a little laundry. Today I feel back at 100%... well 100% for still having a tumor in my chest but I'm starting to forget what it feels like to not have chest pain on a daily basis.
So now I wait. I wait until Friday or so to get my biopsy results and see what this thing is and what I have to do next. I really hope it doesn't involve any more biopsies or surgeries... as it turns out I do not enjoy those. Weird, I know.

Yuck

So I have been waiting until I talked to my parents before I posted anything about my recent events in my life, out of respect to them so that they knew first. I was also not totally sure I want to share something so personal about my current situation but I have felt a lot more comfortable with it in the past few days so I think it's okay to talk about it now.

For anyone who has been following my blogspot you know that I have had a crap time with my back and chest for the past 6 months or so. For more details on that experience, scroll back a bit to when I go over my frustrations in detail. Well on Monday of last week I finally made an appointment to have a CT scan performed. They were supposed to call me back within 4-5 days, so you can imagine my surprise when my primary care physician called me early Tuesday afternoon. He informed me that they had found a rather large growth in my chest, between my sternum and my lungs. He assured me that it didn't appear to be at all cancerous (Thank Goodness) or really all that dangerous besides the obvious chest pain it has been causing me. But it is, in fact, a sort of Tumor. They had some blood work done on Tuesday and it came back kind of inconclusive, so they are having me go in tomorrow to get a surgical biopsy done... not fun. They have to put me under with anesthesia, cut a small incision just above my clavicle, and go through it down about 3 1/2 inches under my sternum to get samples of my new found friend. The good news is that after that they should know for sure what exactly is going on there and what steps we will need to take to correct the situation. The options I have heard so far are either surgery (which my doctor is saying is the last option) or some sort of chemotherapy (which he seems to think is our first line of defense). As far as I can gather the chemo I would be going through wouldn't be hair-loss, multiple session chemo like a Cancer patient would receive, so that's comforting. But I'm not 100% sure what mode or method of chemo they would use... most likely a localized chemo that hopefully wont keep me from my life for too long. My doctor assured me that my main side effect would be nausea. But this is all purely speculation as we really don't know for sure what we are up against here and any of it could change if they figure that it's something totally different (hopefully in a good way). My main concern with any type of Chemo is that it would be pumping my body full of toxins that would most likely haunt me in the future, something I don't feel very happy or comfortable with. Obviously a second opinion is necessary if they tell me that is my plan of action.

Anyways, I'm obviously very nervous but all in all fairly good spirits about all of this. More than anything I am grateful to have finally figured out why my body has been in pain for 6 months, and excited at the silver lining of not having that pain in the near future. I'm happy to have excellent insurance to help me cover a lot of the costs of this, and hope that it is as helpful for any future expenses that may come along. I'm grateful that I finally asked for a CT scan... my doctor told me that he NEVER would have requested that had I not taken the initiative, which blows my mind because I wonder how long I would have had this tumor if left to my doctor's own devises. It's an amazing lesson to me that I learn to take even medical matters into my own hands, because sometimes you just need to man up and do something yourself.

I will be out (ha! Literally!) tomorrow, but hopefully I will be back at my computer Wednesday and I can give some kind of an update. Probably not a diagnosis, but I can fill you in on how my surgery went. Wish me luck!

Good Job.

While I really should be simple and just write a post about my trip to Colorado, I kind of don't feel like it. I will more likely than not add something here about that tomorrow.

What I will talk about is an interesting conversation I had with my sister, Charity. She told me that my dad had told her an analogy where we all skied. Ky skied down the mountain, effortlessly and gracefully, and everyone was shocked because he was such a laid back person that no one expected him to be so great at it. Charity skied down the mountain, carefully and precisely. When she got to the bottom, she stopped and looked around to see if anyone noticed how well she had done. But rather than approval, Ryan flew by her on his skis. He passed where she stopped with big hurrah and flair, and then turned past him to ask Charity what was taking her so long to get to the bottom. Charity didn't get into what Jill was doing on the slopes... but knowing her it was something along the lines of being social with a big group of people. Then, apparently, my dad ended his story with me, saying, "And of course Megan just wasn't there."

Now I can get into the whole part about me not being there but that would just end up being some long analytical story about my childhood or my relationship with my family. I'd rather address the part my sister and I talked about after that.

I mentioned to Charity that I never thought of her as the type to seek approval. She replied that she always heard from people how "together" she had it. Everyone constantly tells her how good she is with her money, or how perfect her family is, or how together she has it... but the reality is that none of those things are 100% ALL of the time, and when they are close to it- it takes her a LOT of work to get there. I'm sure just about anyone can relate to that part of the conversation. She said that a lot of the time, people just expect her to get it right, and so when she does it isn't a big deal or a surprise. But in reality, all she wants is for someone to tell her, "hey- you worked really hard there and it turned out great." Some validification.

And so on to my next topic: the very same validification. How underestimated it is. I know that I don't ask for it, but I crave it. I want someone to tell me, "Wow, Megan... I'm noticing what you're doing." It's also funny because in order for our society to see us as 'humble,' we take those comments from people and reflect them with a grain of salt. Example:
"Hey, Sarah, I really enjoyed your speech in class today. I could tell you worked really hard on it and I thought it turned out fantastic."
"Oh, gosh, yea it was alright... I totally messed up at the end, though."

Did you notice what happened there? I mean, this chick could have spent days on her speech, and whether or not it was perfect, she DID work hard on it. When someone tells her it was great, she ought to have replied with something like, "Really? Thanks so much! I worked my ass off, it's cool that you appreciated it."

Why do we work so hard for someone to notice us, only to downplay it when they do? I think we believe that if we agree that we did something great we will come off as arrogant or self-absorbed. The fact is that we are neither. I also think that may be why people don't compliment each other as often as they should... because the response is never what it should be. No one is saying your life has to be perfect. No one is telling you that you should be turning water to wine or some other such biblical miracles... you are not an all-perfect being. And that's totally fine. I wrote a piece on friendship a few years back that mentions that a true friend will pick you up when you fall because they know you are not perfect- but they DID see you try. So when we TRY to do something great, and a friend takes notice... don't brush off their attention because your efforts fell short. Instead reflect their optimism like a mirror and thank them for it.

I kind of bounced around on this post, but I hope it makes you think at least a little!