What's Wrong.

I had the most interesting conversation/realization last night while talking to my roommate.

She was having a "situation" with a gentleman-caller, which of course I wont get into. And may or may not have been asking my advice (which is not generally recommended, in my opinion). Among other facts about all of my obviously hugely successful relationships, I came to a hard truth that I had been considering lately.

"I've been on the dating scene for like 15 years, now. And I was always this planner. I wanted to plot out who I should be by what point in my life, etc-etc-etc. I think that, as women, this is in our nature. And after 15 years of trying to plot things out and thinking that I knew what was best for me and what I wanted- something finally occurred to me: I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no idea what I want, and why I really want it (this I can get into another time). So I stopped planning for things that are impossible to see coming or going. My new plan is to be on the No Plan Plan."

And maybe... maybe that sounds scary, or depressing. But I think it's the most optimistic thing I could have imagined.

Coming to the realization that you've had it wrong all along is the best thing that could ever happen.

Let me explain why I believe this to be true: There are people who go through a great portion of their lives under totally incorrect assumptions. I, of all people and based on both my romantic as well as personal/family life, needed to come to terms with the fact that whatever I think my life is going to give me- there's no way in Hell I can predict. Both the good and bad in my life have never been anything I could have seen coming a mile away. Which is a major drag because I have the worst poker face of anyone I know, so when those surprises show up I have a tendency to look like a cartoon character scooping my jaw from the floor.

I love knowing that my life is incapable of cartography. I'll never be able to predict what's around the next bend, for better or for worse. No amount of stressing out about tomorrow is going to gain me any control over it. Which... is kind of nice.

It's also been really relieving to respond to people when they ask me about my future. Obviously, there are things I SHOULD and will plan; like career-type goals and aspirations in my writing. And it's important to know yourself so that you know when to say Yes/No in the cross-hairs. But in many personal aspects there have been a lot of, "Sooo, what are you going to do?" scenarios. And my response has generally been, "See what happens next." There's no pressure to try to orchestrate people or situations. My only job is to have faith that they'll work out, and if an obvious step is needed- to take it as it comes. No drama. No manipulation. No stress.

I've never been so happy to have gotten it wrong.

1 comment:

Jack Lunar said...

Faith is absolutely a powerful thing that defies logic and circumvents reason.

Similar to those ingredients that make up the feelings/emotions that linger long after the dust settles and the marine layer burns off.

It's a lovely thing.

And the only way to really "dive in" to the deep end of the rest of your life.

As usual, great read.