Lately it seems like most days I wake up revived, renewed, and brilliantly happy with my life. Today I feel tired. I don't know why... maybe blame it on hormones or a chemical balance from lack of sleep last night. It was just one of those nights where for no apparent reason I could not seem to fall asleep. But today I feel very human, and very flawed. I'm sure everyone has these days. I woke up more exhausted than when I fell asleep, got to work only to find a pile of papers practically falling off of my desk, and despite my delicious lemon parfait breakfast- I am starving.
But today I don't mind being tired, or hungry, or overloaded. I just feel very, very small. I feel like I am not where I should be in my life at all right now. Not in the "I should be married with kids and a Golden Retriever by now" sense of the word. I just feel like I should have traveled more or something. I guess I wish I had accomplished more in my life by now. I have been looking through an old family friend's blogspot and seeing all of the places that he and his new bride have been traveling to. They took a year off from school and work to just travel through Europe... everywhere from Morocco to Spain to France. And you know what? I am green with envy. All my life, all I have ever wanted to do is travel. I want to see the world and experience different cultures and lifestyles. But here I sit, living this dream vicariously through a number of my friends across the Pacific Ocean. Another of my friends is living in Germany, and yet another just moved back from doing a reality show in Shanghai. And of course I know that if I want to do these things I have to start now and make plans and just go for it, but the reality of it all is that I probably never will. I mean, maybe in a few years when I learn how to save up some money I can go explore Europe, but for now the thought of preparing and saving and "going for it" just terrifies me. I am literally frozen in my tracks. And I thought about all of this this morning, and I felt very sad, and incompetent for being unable to take such risks. And I felt disappointed in myself and jealous of all of these people who are living these amazing experiences. And then- I stopped. I stopped because I realized that even when I really, really want to it's wrong to compare myself to other people. I stopped because I know that everyone has their gifts and their challenges. I stopped because I ALSO know plenty of people who have never left California. I know people who have never had the chance to eat a snow cone in Hawaii, never put their feet in the ocean off the coast of Florida, and never hiked up to a cave in Utah and listened to bats up in the distance above their heads. I stopped because Thursday is Thanksgiving and this morning has been an ungrateful one. I stopped because I have a job where I make good money and really don't have to struggle all that much. I stopped because although it took me longer than most, I finished my schooling (for now) and had a blast along the way. I stopped because I am surviving having a tumor wrapping itself around a vein leading to my heart and pressing against my lungs this year. I stopped because I have been blessed to have spent the past 11 months with the love of my life, my best friend, and one of the most amazing people I have had the privilege of knowing... someone who I have never, not once since we've met, doubted that he's had me in his heart throughout any circumstances. I stopped because when I was in the hospital, my parents drove out in their motor home and slept in the parking lot so that I wouldn't have to be alone. I stopped because I spent yesterday evening having an early Thanksgiving dinner with my other best friend and her family and some friends. I stopped because despite my family going out of town, I am still managing to have 2 more "Thanksgivings," totalling three delicious meals surrounded by friends.
I have plenty of time to live my life, to go where I want to go and see what I want to see. And just because I'm not globetrotting and waking up to exotic breakfasts right now doesn't mean I never will. I am grateful for the blessings I have been given, for the head on my shoulders that God has seen fit to give me, and for the amazing people I have surrounding me. I have hope that one day I WILL see the rest of the world, but for now I am grateful for the world currently before my eyes.