I am trying not to talk about my medical stuff as much because it's becoming boring to me, but I will keep you all updated for those of you who are curious. I have my next appointment set for Thursday (one week from today) to discuss the next steps for my future surgery. That is all for now.
Anyways... I have had a long time to reflect on some things, having been out of work for the past month or so. Before that my life had seemed, to me, to be repetitions of getting up, going to work, coming home, showering, and sleeping. The occasional event in between was usually seen as an obstacle, or a rushed affair where the getting there so quickly ruined the fun of the being there entirely. There was always a place to be, a call to take, or a thing to clean. I cant tell you how much of my time was spent running in what I now realize were simply circles, trying to tidy up an already quite orderly life. Then I would spend hours preparing for sleep because my body realized (more than my mind) that I wasn't tired because I hadn't actually DONE anything that day.
I have always known that it's important to assess one's own life every so often to see where you are and where you would like to go... but I have been so wrapped up in my own little pseudo-dramas that I haven't had a chance to pencil some quiet reflection time in. But when all that you can muster up the energy to do is sit up to watch movies in bed, quiet thought is pretty much your constant companion. And so I have been reflecting, thinking, wondering... all of those things I forgot to question or contemplate. And I also did a lot of watching. Staying at other people's houses and in their care reminds you of just how different everybody is.
Through all of this it has occurred to me that I am a control freak. I don't think I've always been one, I think it's just happened as I've gotten older. I want my room arranged just so, my life all very timely and in sequence... but no matter what, my room has always remained disorganized, my life out of line and chaotic. And through my bed rest, I realized that these things are out of my hands. My world doesn't always spin on my watch. My desk at work is going to be cluttered, my cat is going to get out of the house sometimes. All the small things that no one sees coming, be it a rainy day in June or a Sternotomy in October, they all will happen. Stop trying to arrange your life, I say. Life is messy... and while I could spend it straightening and planning I think I would much rather spend it living. I'm still learning, but I am attempting to take a different approach to my life these days. I want to loosen my grip on what I think "should be," and flow into what "is." My father, I have seen the older we both get, has this outlook. He's become very laid back these days and I love that about him. Obviously I want to be passionate about some things in my life, but I don't have to turn everything in my life into some life or death event. Sometimes it's okay to let your phone ring and not even bother to check to see who it is. It's okay to stay up long after your bedtime on a work night. Let go of that feeling I get in my stomach that says "this isn't on the agenda, you should be doing something else!" and just allow myself to go with the flow.
That's my opinion. Or perhaps the Diet Coke I'm becoming caffeinated from's.