Anything you want, you got it.

Due to recent events in my life, I have decided to downgrade it. To simplify it. I wont get into what events because, quite frankly, they're irrelevant. The fact remains that my life has been on a particular path. One in which things have become complicated and overcrowded.
My mind is like my home. And one day, I decide to have a party at my house. Good idea, right? Totally. So I start sending invitations out to this person or that person. I worry that so-and-so will be offended if I invite his best friend but not him, so I invite him. I kind of start to lose control of who is coming. And it sort of becomes an open-invitation party. So they all show up, and lots of them are people I don't even know in the first place, but I don't want to turn them away so I open the door. And before I know it, my house is a mess. People are throwing party cups on my carpet floors. I've got some douche smoking a cigarette in my living room. It's gone completely out of my control. Damn.

The only thing to do is to clear everyone out. And that's what I'm sort of doing. Clearing out the party so that I can straighten everything up, spray some Febreeze, and just bask in some peace and quiet. It's not to mean I can't have parties anymore, only that I need to be a bit more particular as to who I invite. And just invite those people who respect my house.

I was watching the movie Eat Pray Love recently and saw the scene where they're discussing what their "word" would be. I asked myself what mine was and I was surprised how quickly it came to me. Evolve. My life is about evolution in and of myself. I really think I came into this world a VERY blank slate and it took me a long time to realize just how influential I am as a person. I am the least stubborn person I know (although I know people who would disagree), and I can adapt to nearly anything without too much of a struggle. These are things about myself that I fought against for YEARS because I thought they were character flaws. It has only been recently that I'm seeing what incredible gifts they really are. I'm learning more and more that my adaptability has been my greatest asset. I mean, if I stuck by who I was when I was 19 and refused to change, I would probably have A) A great deal more tattoos and B) made a LOT more mistakes. Letting go of yesterday (see: evolution) can be our best chance of survival. And I know that I have that power in me- I just need to harness it and hone in on the portion where I let go of the things that aren't working in my life. 

I have a quote taped to my computer at work that says: Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense (Ralph Waldo Emerson). I'd like to think that could be my evolutionary credo. Change. Let go of what was and embrace what is. I like that.

So what's next on my path to evolution? I'd like to think quite a bit. I spent the early parts of this year making goals and proving to myself that I am capable of accomplishment. And I did that on my own, which was a first for me. These are things I'd like to continue, of course. But I also spent a lot of time this year, looking almost too far forward. I think I had a lot of aspirations, and that's absolutely fantastic. But some days (and I've heard this from other people) I would write these blogs that were like, "who is she trying to convince?" You know? What was I trying to prove, and to whom? So I think that my aim, my aspiration, for this point in my life- is to figure out what I want to convince MYSELF of. I want to throw a lot of the party outside. Just for a bit. I promise not to recluse- because that's not healthy. But I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to decipher what things I like to do and then: doing them. Like, what I'm doing and what I'm saying needs to be because it's what I want to do and say, and not because I'm trying to convince anyone that, you know, "I'm fine," or "I'm exciting." I've had friendships in my past where I haven't felt them reciprocated and I'd like to clear them out to make room for the people who actually make me feel good. I hung out with my friend Kim recently and after I left realized that my cheeks actually hurt from laughing so hard. Do you know when the last time that happened was? I don't... maybe when I was like 15. And that's what friendships are supposed to be like. I want those friendships I had when I was 8, where they're carefree and simple. Where it's not hours upon hours spent talking about dramatic events but a lost track of time spent laughing at nothing.
Simplicity. That's what I want. And if there is one thing I've learned this past year, it's that I'm halfway decent at setting goals and completely nailing them.

A Valiant Effort.

As a foreword: I am actually going to write something today. Not just quote someone else! But the quote IS relevant so read on.

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, in the end knows the triumph in high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those of cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.   -Theodore Roosevelt.

Wow. What an incredible quote, if you ask me. I guess it's encouraging when you can realize that even when you may be hurting, even when you may be failing, it's only because you actually tried something. You cannot have failure without having put out some effort, right? And while failures aren't very much fun while you're in the midst of them, it's empowering to know what it was that brought you there. It was a sense of belief that you could do it. It was a conscious effort on your part to make something that is into something that could be. I'd like to think that's what life is about: the drive and the strive to hope for what you believe to be possible. It's like another quote I've been repeating to myself for a few weeks now: At the end of your life, you're far more likely to regret the things you didn't do over the things you did.

Sunsets.

Sorry for the lack of originality lately, but here is something that struck a chord with me today. My brain is still taking a vacation from blogging.

People are just as wonderful as sunsets if I can let them be...When I look at a sunset, I don't find myself saying, "Soften the Orange on the right hand corner." I don't try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.

-Carl Rogers

Less.

Less is more. Say less, listen more.

Own less things, and you'll experience more freedom.

Stories.

Stories, like people and butterflies and songbird's eggs and human hearts and dreams, are also fragile things, made up of nothing stronger or more lasting than twenty-six letters and a handful of punctuation marks. Or they are words on the air, composed of sounds and ideas- abstract, invisible, gone once they are spoken- and what could be more frail than that? But some stories, small simple ones about setting out on adventures or people doing wonders, tales of miracles and monsters, have outlasted all the people who told them, and some of them have outlasted the lands in which they were created.

-Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things.

Summer...

 It's almost over.

Do something about it today.

Summer feelings from sebastien montaz-rosset on Vimeo.

Happy Life.

I read a blog today that talked about how to "Live a Happy Life." I actually haven't finished the entry just yet because I stopped in the middle of it to follow this exercise and was so amused when I did.
It asked us to think about what we enjoyed doing as a child. Our gifts, most likely, hadn't changed. And the blog entry suggested that we ought to consider what made us happy once upon a time in order to decipher what would make us happy now. So I started to make a list of the top 5 things that I used to do as a kid that made me the most happy. When I finished, I laughed out loud at myself. Here is my list:

1. Write Stories

2. Play Outside (ride bikes, tennis, etc.)

3. Play with animals

4. Listen to my sister's radio and my brother's CDs. I also loved to make mixed tapes.

5. Play pretend- be it with Barbies, my play kitchen, or a game we used to play wherein we would make up our dream life.

How funny is it that all of the things I loved as a kid are currently my favorite things to do? Writing, getting outside. Playing with animals?? Mixing CDs for my friends and downloading new music? Even the play pretend is funny since one of my favorite things to do is daydream about how I want to spend the upcoming days of my life. I plan vacations. I imagine my future home when I have money to decorate it. Teaching myself how to cook... it's all who I am today.

I guess I'm on track after all.

Maybe you could try it now: what made you happy as a kid? Are you still on track?

Ego-Logical

It's been one of those weeks. After months of unfocused thoughts and carefree (and often forgetful) actions, this has been one of those weeks of reflection. And as the days have continued passing forward, I have grown increasingly introspective and peaceful... probably more peaceful than I've felt in a really, really long time. I think that sometimes I can get into this mode where I need to be surrounded by other people, mainly to distract myself from my own mind. I don't trust myself, and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. "What will people think if I do this?" or "Am I giving the right impression?" become my main motivation for about 90% of the things that I do. My conversations aren't sincere and I'm just quite frankly not being myself. Maybe because I'm scared to. Maybe because I have a history of not being very self-confident. But this week has been different.
For the first time in possibly years, I feel like I'm resting. Like my life is going exactly the way it will go, and that I can allow that to happen. I'm accepting any discomfort in my personal life with open arms and welcoming them as opportunities to grow. I'm not rushing to BE anybody to anyone. Not to anyone but myself. For the first time in years, honestly, I really really am okay with me. I think that I've been doing a lot better at that since early this year when I started trying to be more goal-oriented and optimistic. But there were still a lot of really hard days in there, and I still fought some demons. I still felt uneasy and I couldn't figure out why. But now I think I'm starting to get it... I wasn't being ME. I start acting the way I want people to perceive me and a lot of times that means behaving in ways that are sort of alien to what I'm really comfortable with. It's not natural for me and while I appear to be fine with it, I'm battling against it inside. Any behaviors including me being stubborn, or closed minded, or definitive... that's not who I am. Who I am is ever changing. Who I am is malleable, and peace-loving. Who I am is someone who knows when I'm acting in a way different to my nature, but occasionally tries to do what I think "better" people will do because I don't trust myself. And you know... I'm learning that trusting myself isn't the worst thing. I'm learning that my instincts are pretty good ones to trust in.
I think that a lot of the time, people lose faith in themselves. Mostly out of insecurity, of course. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that when it HAPPENS, we have a tendency to feel guilty or "unnatural" about it. We try to be someone who we're not, in order to please an audience who is just as imperfect as we are. And this, my darlings, is where the real stuff happens. Because now we are battling against ourselves, and we can't escape that. We can't escape our own mind or our own conscience no matter where we try to hide. When we try to behave in ways against our nature, we are telling our ego that it is wrong, and our ego can be a real pouty bitch if it wants to. I've always felt that our egos are so sensitive because we all work REALLY hard and for our entire lives to become the type of person that we think is "the best." So when someone (or worse yet, we ourselves) tell our ego that all that work is crap... well, our ego is going to get really upset and battle against those kind of thoughts. And no one can make you feel as bad as you can make yourself feel if you really put your mind to it. 
I don't even know if I'm making any sense anymore to anyone except myself here. Ha. What I can say is that self-acceptance is a beautiful thing. Accepting that you're imperfect, accepting that you're a work in progress. Accepting that if you're in a room alone, you've got everyone you need- and that everyone else is a really wonderful added bonus. I don't need anyone to assure me that I don't suck. I don't need any more pairs of pretty shoes to feel worthwhile. Those things are great, and I'm not saying they hurt. But I don't NEED them. Ultimately what I'm saying is, everything will be okay. It will always be okay. You just have to trust in yourself and believe that life is meant to be a positive experience for you. Just don't go effing it up by trying to convince yourself otherwise.

Absence makes the blog grow fonder?

Hi darlings! Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. And not that this is a promise to post today... life is busy and I have been trying to focus my attention on other things right now. I guess you could say that my goals for September are to be living my life rather than spending hours a day blogging about it. I will be back soon, I promise. I love you all.

Lately.

How cool is this chandelier?? I have no clue where it's from, but I found it online a few days ago. In other news, I started school last night. Pretty excited about that. I suspect that I wont have much time for blogging the next little bit mainly because I will be focusing on my writing projects. But I would like to go over September Goals, which I think I will do tomorrow.
August Goals went alright. Not great, but that's okay. I haven't made an appointment with my counselor but I DID completely block myself from spending any money on my credit cards. I also did not finish the Superhero book I was reading because it got REALLY boring about a quarter of the way through it's 450 pages. But I did start and finish reading Stealing Faces, a thriller that Amazon recommended to me. It was good. I'm going to see how it goes the next few weeks with school and if it's looking like I have enough time to dedicate to it I would like to start reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Great success at spending some more "girl friend" time this month. A handful of my closest girlfriends and I have been doing a weekly girls night at my house, which has been really fun! We usually watch a movie and make something good for dinner and it's been a great way to get together and just hang out. I'm a complete homebody so going out to clubs or bars hasn't been my thing, whereas eating dinner at home and chatting about what is going on in each other's lives has been really cool.
Sorry if this post isn't very exciting today. I've been running around at work and at home and haven't had time for much of anything else. Laundry is piling up and I desperately need to get outside and walk Nora more often but there hasn't been much free time for that stuff. Not that I'm complaining, but it's always nice to have spare time. Oh well... another lifetime!!