It's been one of those weeks. After months of unfocused thoughts and carefree (and often forgetful) actions, this has been one of those weeks of reflection. And as the days have continued passing forward, I have grown increasingly introspective and peaceful... probably more peaceful than I've felt in a really, really long time. I think that sometimes I can get into this mode where I need to be surrounded by other people, mainly to distract myself from my own mind. I don't trust myself, and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. "What will people think if I do this?" or "Am I giving the right impression?" become my main motivation for about 90% of the things that I do. My conversations aren't sincere and I'm just quite frankly not being myself. Maybe because I'm scared to. Maybe because I have a history of not being very self-confident. But this week has been different.
For the first time in possibly years, I feel like I'm resting. Like my life is going exactly the way it will go, and that I can allow that to happen. I'm accepting any discomfort in my personal life with open arms and welcoming them as opportunities to grow. I'm not rushing to BE anybody to anyone. Not to anyone but myself. For the first time in years, honestly, I really really am okay with me. I think that I've been doing a lot better at that since early this year when I started trying to be more goal-oriented and optimistic. But there were still a lot of really hard days in there, and I still fought some demons. I still felt uneasy and I couldn't figure out why. But now I think I'm starting to get it... I wasn't being ME. I start acting the way I want people to perceive me and a lot of times that means behaving in ways that are sort of alien to what I'm really comfortable with. It's not natural for me and while I appear to be fine with it, I'm battling against it inside. Any behaviors including me being stubborn, or closed minded, or definitive... that's not who I am. Who I am is ever changing. Who I am is malleable, and peace-loving. Who I am is someone who knows when I'm acting in a way different to my nature, but occasionally tries to do what I think "better" people will do because I don't trust myself. And you know... I'm learning that trusting myself isn't the worst thing. I'm learning that my instincts are pretty good ones to trust in.
I think that a lot of the time, people lose faith in themselves. Mostly out of insecurity, of course. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that when it HAPPENS, we have a tendency to feel guilty or "unnatural" about it. We try to be someone who we're not, in order to please an audience who is just as imperfect as we are. And this, my darlings, is where the real stuff happens. Because now we are battling against ourselves, and we can't escape that. We can't escape our own mind or our own conscience no matter where we try to hide. When we try to behave in ways against our nature, we are telling our ego that it is wrong, and our ego can be a real pouty bitch if it wants to. I've always felt that our egos are so sensitive because we all work REALLY hard and for our entire lives to become the type of person that we think is "the best." So when someone (or worse yet, we ourselves) tell our ego that all that work is crap... well, our ego is going to get really upset and battle against those kind of thoughts. And no one can make you feel as bad as you can make yourself feel if you really put your mind to it.
I don't even know if I'm making any sense anymore to anyone except myself here. Ha. What I can say is that self-acceptance is a beautiful thing. Accepting that you're imperfect, accepting that you're a work in progress. Accepting that if you're in a room alone, you've got everyone you need- and that everyone else is a really wonderful added bonus. I don't need anyone to assure me that I don't suck. I don't need any more pairs of pretty shoes to feel worthwhile. Those things are great, and I'm not saying they hurt. But I don't NEED them. Ultimately what I'm saying is, everything will be okay. It will always be okay. You just have to trust in yourself and believe that life is meant to be a positive experience for you. Just don't go effing it up by trying to convince yourself otherwise.