Due to recent events in my life, I have decided to downgrade it. To simplify it. I wont get into what events because, quite frankly, they're irrelevant. The fact remains that my life has been on a particular path. One in which things have become complicated and overcrowded.
My mind is like my home. And one day, I decide to have a party at my house. Good idea, right? Totally. So I start sending invitations out to this person or that person. I worry that so-and-so will be offended if I invite his best friend but not him, so I invite him. I kind of start to lose control of who is coming. And it sort of becomes an open-invitation party. So they all show up, and lots of them are people I don't even know in the first place, but I don't want to turn them away so I open the door. And before I know it, my house is a mess. People are throwing party cups on my carpet floors. I've got some douche smoking a cigarette in my living room. It's gone completely out of my control. Damn.
So what's next on my path to evolution? I'd like to think quite a bit. I spent the early parts of this year making goals and proving to myself that I am capable of accomplishment. And I did that on my own, which was a first for me. These are things I'd like to continue, of course. But I also spent a lot of time this year, looking almost too far forward. I think I had a lot of aspirations, and that's absolutely fantastic. But some days (and I've heard this from other people) I would write these blogs that were like, "who is she trying to convince?" You know? What was I trying to prove, and to whom? So I think that my aim, my aspiration, for this point in my life- is to figure out what I want to convince MYSELF of. I want to throw a lot of the party outside. Just for a bit. I promise not to recluse- because that's not healthy. But I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to decipher what things I like to do and then: doing them. Like, what I'm doing and what I'm saying needs to be because it's what I want to do and say, and not because I'm trying to convince anyone that, you know, "I'm fine," or "I'm exciting." I've had friendships in my past where I haven't felt them reciprocated and I'd like to clear them out to make room for the people who actually make me feel good. I hung out with my friend Kim recently and after I left realized that my cheeks actually hurt from laughing so hard. Do you know when the last time that happened was? I don't... maybe when I was like 15. And that's what friendships are supposed to be like. I want those friendships I had when I was 8, where they're carefree and simple. Where it's not hours upon hours spent talking about dramatic events but a lost track of time spent laughing at nothing.
Simplicity. That's what I want. And if there is one thing I've learned this past year, it's that I'm halfway decent at setting goals and completely nailing them.