Anything you want, you got it.

Due to recent events in my life, I have decided to downgrade it. To simplify it. I wont get into what events because, quite frankly, they're irrelevant. The fact remains that my life has been on a particular path. One in which things have become complicated and overcrowded.
My mind is like my home. And one day, I decide to have a party at my house. Good idea, right? Totally. So I start sending invitations out to this person or that person. I worry that so-and-so will be offended if I invite his best friend but not him, so I invite him. I kind of start to lose control of who is coming. And it sort of becomes an open-invitation party. So they all show up, and lots of them are people I don't even know in the first place, but I don't want to turn them away so I open the door. And before I know it, my house is a mess. People are throwing party cups on my carpet floors. I've got some douche smoking a cigarette in my living room. It's gone completely out of my control. Damn.

The only thing to do is to clear everyone out. And that's what I'm sort of doing. Clearing out the party so that I can straighten everything up, spray some Febreeze, and just bask in some peace and quiet. It's not to mean I can't have parties anymore, only that I need to be a bit more particular as to who I invite. And just invite those people who respect my house.

I was watching the movie Eat Pray Love recently and saw the scene where they're discussing what their "word" would be. I asked myself what mine was and I was surprised how quickly it came to me. Evolve. My life is about evolution in and of myself. I really think I came into this world a VERY blank slate and it took me a long time to realize just how influential I am as a person. I am the least stubborn person I know (although I know people who would disagree), and I can adapt to nearly anything without too much of a struggle. These are things about myself that I fought against for YEARS because I thought they were character flaws. It has only been recently that I'm seeing what incredible gifts they really are. I'm learning more and more that my adaptability has been my greatest asset. I mean, if I stuck by who I was when I was 19 and refused to change, I would probably have A) A great deal more tattoos and B) made a LOT more mistakes. Letting go of yesterday (see: evolution) can be our best chance of survival. And I know that I have that power in me- I just need to harness it and hone in on the portion where I let go of the things that aren't working in my life. 

I have a quote taped to my computer at work that says: Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense (Ralph Waldo Emerson). I'd like to think that could be my evolutionary credo. Change. Let go of what was and embrace what is. I like that.

So what's next on my path to evolution? I'd like to think quite a bit. I spent the early parts of this year making goals and proving to myself that I am capable of accomplishment. And I did that on my own, which was a first for me. These are things I'd like to continue, of course. But I also spent a lot of time this year, looking almost too far forward. I think I had a lot of aspirations, and that's absolutely fantastic. But some days (and I've heard this from other people) I would write these blogs that were like, "who is she trying to convince?" You know? What was I trying to prove, and to whom? So I think that my aim, my aspiration, for this point in my life- is to figure out what I want to convince MYSELF of. I want to throw a lot of the party outside. Just for a bit. I promise not to recluse- because that's not healthy. But I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to decipher what things I like to do and then: doing them. Like, what I'm doing and what I'm saying needs to be because it's what I want to do and say, and not because I'm trying to convince anyone that, you know, "I'm fine," or "I'm exciting." I've had friendships in my past where I haven't felt them reciprocated and I'd like to clear them out to make room for the people who actually make me feel good. I hung out with my friend Kim recently and after I left realized that my cheeks actually hurt from laughing so hard. Do you know when the last time that happened was? I don't... maybe when I was like 15. And that's what friendships are supposed to be like. I want those friendships I had when I was 8, where they're carefree and simple. Where it's not hours upon hours spent talking about dramatic events but a lost track of time spent laughing at nothing.
Simplicity. That's what I want. And if there is one thing I've learned this past year, it's that I'm halfway decent at setting goals and completely nailing them.