Doin' it well.

"The truth is, most of us discover where we are headed when we arrive."

-Bill Watterson (Creator of Calvin and Hobbes)
Photo source: Unknown

I watched a documentary this week called "Happy." You can find it on Netflix. And it's had me in this entirely different state of mind all week.

The concept of the doc was that it sent cameras around the world to discover what truly made people happy. Now, let me preface this by saying that I am not generally a big fan of documentaries. I love the fact that you're seeing something informative, but I can't help but to think that this is ALSO something that somebody conceptualized to convince you that what they believed was correct. And there might be a lot of truth to what they're telling you, but that doesn't deter from the fact that you are seeing one side of the story. Do I think Vegans are mind-controllers? Of course not. But if you watch a documentary about meat being murder, I just feel that you're hearing some VERY convincing parts of one story, along with conveniently left out parts of another. Blame it on me wanting to see things spherically, I guess.

This documentary had some great points, showing that people tend to be happier with the use of several exercises. One being physical activity, along with a sense of community, taking care of their bodies, lessened focus on materialism, and a healthy balance of work with play. I don't think me telling people that is really "news" to anybody.

I felt good after watching the film, but not as elated as I'd hoped. I realized, later, why that was. I felt AWFUL.

This past weekend has been a series of rushing between work and play activities, highlighted by lack of sleep and just eating and drinking badly overall. Come Monday (the ACTUAL holiday), I was so tired it was all I could do to get to my living room. I felt like such a loser.

It's occurred to me since then, that I wasn't doing 'good.' I wasn't exercising, I wasn't eating properly, I wasn't contributing anything to the people around me. I was running on fumes. As much as I wanted to lay around and watch the new episodes of Arrested Development, I threw on my workout gear and did yoga. And drank some water. I watered my blossoming little garden. I read my book and I worked a LOT on some articles for the magazine. So much, in fact, that I haven't had time to blog. I got vegetables and salmon from the market instead of the chips and cheese dip I wanted. It was hard to get out of that funk- but I'm glad I did.

When I DO good, I FEEL good. When I exercise instead of go to "Half Price Bottle of Wine Night," I feel better. And not just physically. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And I feel even better because I know that I'm using my own opinions of what I think I should do and placing it over peer pressure to do what other people want from me. I feel strong; confident.

I also, to be fair, believe that being social should be on everyone's calenders. Get wild, sometimes. Have a crazy Friday night. Have some fun, and then get back to you. It's so important to take care of yourself and DO good for yourself. Eat a freakin' apple and poached eggs for breakfast, I don't know...

I spend A LOT of time feeling like kind of an ass. I come on this blog and I talk to my friends and I try to convince everybody about these very lofty ideals. And I feel like such a goody two shoes and a lot of the time, it makes me feel like a fake. But maybe... maybe I'm not convincing anybody but myself. Maybe all I'm doing is reminding myself that I SHOULD be doing good. That I should be better than I have been. I've spent most of my life doling out advice that I'm most likely not taking, and I guess 'where I'm at' lately has been realizing that I need to listen to myself. I live for other people's opinions of me more often than not, and all it's ever done has been to make me a people-pleaser and the girl who tries WAY too hard.

I don't want to be that person.

I want to be a better me for me. Not "I don't want to do that because so-and-so will judge me or think it's lame." Or even doing things motivated by what I think other people would want me to do. Why am I asking what someone else thinks is acceptable? Like... seriously. I just want to do good. The things that I believe are good, not somebody else.

This year has been loaded with thoughts of who I am, and what I want to make of myself.

And I kinda dig it.