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I can't say a lot of what has been going through my head the past week or so, but I can tell you that I feel renewed. My roommates have been out of town all weekend and I thought it would make me feel incredibly lonely, but it hasn't. I guess I needed the quiet- even though I was hardly sitting at home alone all weekend. It invigorated me and gave me some time to collect myself and sort of re-center.
The past few months have been filled with a lot of confusion for me and a mixture of not knowing why things were happening as well as what I intended to learn/do in response to it all. I'm sure this sounds very vague, but I can't get more specific for the privacy of myself and other people involved. I'm learning a lot more about secrecy as a means of respect and not just a way to be dramatic. I need to respect my own emotional privacy as well as other people's. That's important.
But that doesn't mean I wont blog about my own inner monologue and the things I'm learning.
There are a great many things that I think I had always assumed I wanted. For one example: I always assumed that if I could financially afford it- I'd prefer to live alone. After this weekend I can genuinely say I don't like the prospect of coming home to an empty house. It's too quiet, too boring to be permanent I miss not knowing what will happen when I get home from work- like a little daily dose of adventure. I also always thought that I knew what my life would be panning out to be, work-wise. I'd be in administrative work (see: someone else's %&^*) forever because it was my only option. I'm realizing that this may not be the case. I can't go into detail, but I think I am the most excited about this one. Doors opening for me with my writing have been surprising and exciting. I guess it really IS the stuff you never saw coming that have the biggest influence on your life. The funny thing about this is that the attitudes I held about work and work ethics are being challenged as I contemplate how I really feel when it's being presented as a viable option. I can feel my priorities changing, in this way among others.
With the mental/emotional changes happening, I'm noticing that I feel the word "possibility" creeping into other parts of my life too. I sort of knew this would happen. Any time a mild to great change happens in my life I have this tendency to (once I stop pushing against it) embrace it and grow. I've always liked myself in this place, even if it's uncomfortable at first.
Again, I know I'm being so vague in this entire entry. But if you're going to take one thing from my random ramblings it should be this quote:
Most of my major disappointments have turned out to be blessings in disguise. So whenever anything bad does happen to me, I kind of sit back and feel, well, if I give this enough time, it'll turn out that this was good. So I shouldn't worry about it too much. -William Gaines.
This is and has been one of my favorite quote for some time now. I hope you like it too!