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Having said that... here is why I am both considerably self-sufficient and yet somehow freaking terrible at being single.
Ways In Which I make Being Single My Bitch:
1. I take care of my business. While I am not a lazy person, I have a tendency to lose focus on MY goals and aspirations when I get involved with someone else. I'll be all about making sure we do the things they want to do, and the things that make them happy. It's only when I've been single that I've started to cultivate goals and hobbies that are truly 100% my own. This is not to say that I don't DO stuff when I'm in a relationship. But they tend to be that person's stuff. I like to think I'm just broadening my horizons, but on some level I think I just forget that my stuff is just as (if not more) important than sitting on your couch watching re-runs of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
2. I get moving. Nothing motivates me to get in shape more than knowing that other people might see me in a bikini and be all, "Oh, hey girl!" Apparently when I'm in a relationship I have this false idea that no one looks at Relationship Girl (except, you know, the poor guy I'm dating... because THAT'S important). I don't have a wandering eye when I'm off the market, so I guess I assume no one else is checking me out. It's not until I look at photos from a pool party (attended whilst committed) and think "Really? REALLY?? You own self tanner and running shoes. Why were you allowing people to see you like that?" Being single is the equivalent of trying on fancy underpants in a harshly-lit dressing room. You can't do it and NOT immediately go to the gym. Generally speaking, the single version of me is the one you're seeing in any and all hiking, yoga, and running pictures. The relationship version is the one you'll see where I'm eating a crepe all like, "Lay off- I'm STARVING!" (Oh yes, who wants to date me now??)
In all fairness, I don't let myself go. But I tend to hold the same fitness levels of the people I date- and not many of the guys I've dated have been as outdoorsy as I tend to be when left to my own devices.
3. I do what I want. This also sort of relates to #1. I tend to center my schedule around people I date, so when that department is closed down I have time to finally do what I really wanted to do. Remember when I wanted to go to the beach more? Now I can. Or when it was Mexican food and Pacificos for dinner when I clearly stated I was trying to lose above said weight? Yeah, well, now I can Quinoa that $hit. If I feel like staying home on a Friday- or going out somewhere I would never have gotten "him" to go- now's my big chance to do whatever I want.
Ways In Which I Am The Worst Single Person Ever:
1. 90% of the time I am still committed. I have no idea how to "date." If I'm even casually dating someone, it doesn't matter if Ryan Gosling himself hit on me, I am not interested. Even my Mother has told me on multiple occasions that I need to, "date a bunch of people." I'm sure it's a good thing that I'm apparently incapable of having more than one guy in rotation, but in the mean time I sort of feel like if I'm going to be on the dating circuit, I need to actually DATE. I guess that to me, I see a really fine line between being socially flirtatious and just being a flat out floozy. Where's the line? Seriously. Someone please let me know.
2. I'm too lazy to date. If someone isn't actively pursuing me, I'm over it. If a guy tells me that he is talking to other girls, I'm over it. The second you have another option on the horizon and it isn't me- I have no interest in dating you anymore. I have no idea why I do this. Some girls see competition as an incentive to pursue a guy even more- I see it as an excuse to be like, "Congrats on your future life, it looks rad!" I guess it's a good thing, but I can't help but think that I just took the whole He's Just Not That Into You book WAY too seriously. If you're not telling me, point blank, "I like you like a whole, whole lot, Ima scream it from a mountain top" I'm assuming we're not that serious and I'm going to peace out of "whatever it is."
3. I suck at "The Game." If I say I am going to call you, I call you. If I say we should do something Tuesday night, I'm not making plans with other people instead. I don't wait to call or text you back, and if you do that with me, I think you're stupid and insecure. Apparently, some guys don't like this. One of my biggest complaints in relationships has always been that people seem to always say they are going to do things and then they turn out to be totally bogus. If I say I'm going to do something, I just... you know... DO IT. I don't see why you wouldn't, but apparently that's a thing.
4. BONUS ROUND: I suck at flirting. Oh, what's that? You think I'm cute?? I can't think of a better reason to tell you EVERY AWKWARD THING EVER.
But seriously, me flirting is exactly as painful as watching a car crash in slow motion. I have done the following while trying to be cute/sexy/flirty: Forgotten your name after a 4-hour date, sat in fish guts on the pier, told horribly offensive jokes, broken a chair, revealed that I have no friends and that my own mother doesn't even call me, run into stable objects, spilled food on myself, popped a press-on nail and sent it flying over the aisle and directly onto my high school crush's desk, stumbled on a pair of heels that were clearly WAY too high for me (immediately after assuring this person I could walk fine in them), tap-danced out of an awkward moment, told you I hated your style of clothing, and last but not least: made an off color joke to your friend- about your friend- to said friend's face.
Congratulations, world. You win.
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