For The Fellas (A List of Awkward Requests).

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Because my personal life seems to be a favored topic, and because I am in a good mood today, I wanted to turn it into THAT kind of party. So here it goes:

I've been single for something like 2-3 months. I say that random figure because it took a month for things to kind of finalize. I have gone on a few dates, some good and some not-so-great, and discovered that the dating scene is more or less hilarious to me. I'm not saying that I'm sitting here laughing at these people, only that if you were to look at any person's dates from an outside perspective- they are SO awkward and SO random.

And so, I've decided to make a list. Of things to do, and things not to do, on first (or second or third) dates. You're welcome, and please take this with a grain of salt.

1. Please be awkward. I'm dead serious. I am the least cool person I know, and if you're really, really cool, I'm gonna get weird. I'll be intimidated and therefore start to do this mental thing I call the "Play It Cool, Play It Cool" game which involves a lot of eye darting and perspiration. Then I will try to overcompensate by making excuses to leave the room/date which apparently makes guys think I am not interested. Therefore: if you want me to act interested in you, you're going to need to be as uncomfortable as possible. Will accept: tripping over yourself, jumbling your words, and telling jokes that trail off into in-coherency. Now that I think about it, just act really drunk. But don't be really drunk. Because this isn't amateur hour.

2. Please don't think you're Rico Suave. I understand that you've seen Swingers and you've probably been on enough dates to think leaning back in your chair and being my First World Problem will make me like you. It doesn't. For one thing- and as mentioned- if you're cool, I simply cannot date you. For another thing- I have no interest in someone who has recently purchased the Cool Guy Starter Kit. If you've got some incredible stuff going on, or have had some grand adventures, I'll figure it out sooner or later. Remember: the journey to a woman finding out that you're something special is a marathon, not a sprint. And you laying it on extra thick just makes us think you're a sleazeball.

3. Please talk. Dates are rough. I think men believe that women want someone who is a great listener, and we do, but we also want someone who interests us. I can't think of anything more uncomfortable than sitting there trying to be clever and creative and cute while someone stares at me with their mouth shut. One major, glow-in-the-dark reason is that on a date, we are probably eating something. And if you're staring at me while I'm eating, I always always ALWAYS think it means I have food on my face. So you not talking can obviously only result in a lot of me trying to nonchalantly wipe my face off, very similar to just caressing my own mouth. No, I am not trying to signal to you that you should swoop in on these lips, I just assumed there was ketchup on them. Now please, tell me about your favorite comic book.

4. Please don't play The Game. I think there's this prehistoric notion guys get where they think if they play it cool and wait to call/text, women are going to think they're desirable and therefore chase them more. Here's the truth, at least according to my warped mind: People are going to mean what they say, and even moreso what they do. If you don't call me, I assume it's because you don't want to call me. If you don't make plans with me, I'm going to assume you don't want to make plans with me. And you know what I'm going to do? NOT pursue the guy who has no time for me. I know, it's crazy. It's blasphemy. It's madness. But if you like me- my guess is you're going to ACT like it.

Sidebar: This goes for my lady friends out there too. Please don't tell a guy you want something casual if you don't. Be honest. Because if you try to do what you think is "playing it cool," and let a guy think that you're not looking for something serious, expect to get exactly what you ask for. I love you, so please don't set yourselves up for that kind of disappointment. 

5. And finally, please be a gentleman. I'm sure there are girls out there who hate when a guy approaches women with what people used to call "Class," but I'm not one of them. The following things will get you bonus points with every female friend that I have, at least (Call me old fashioned): opening doors, opening CAR doors, saying 'please' and 'thank you' to her as well as anyone else you encounter on said date, wearing something nice, at least offering to buy her drink/food, not texting people unless it's an emergency (although I'm semi-guilty of this so I can't complain TOO much), showing up with some kind of cute or random gift (doesn't have to be expensive, but showing a girl you thought about the date ahead of time is hugely hawt), being open and adventurous about what to do on said date, complimenting her, texting her after the date to say if you had a great time (swoon), if you want to- ask permission to kiss her, if you run into friends please introduce her to them, and always-always-ALWAYS walk her to her car.

I realize that last one got more serious, but I figured I'd at least throw that out there. I can't say I speak for the entire female population. I have a few friends who are more interested in things that I don't necessarily seek out in a guy. But what I DO know is that wit, a sense of humor, good manners, and just not being a tool in general will get you a lot further with most women than having a great car and Chris Evans-esque looks will. But most importantly, on another serious note: just be yourself. He's going to come out sooner or later, and you're not trying to audition for a movie role. You're trying to find someone compatible with who you really are. The last thing anyone wants is to totally be into someone, only to find out 6 months down the line that they're not at all what they originally rep'd themselves as.

Let's just all be cool to each other, people.